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  #1  
Old 01-12-2012, 08:21 AM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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Default A question for the mono men

My fiance and I will talk about this in depth and as he processes his thoughts and feelings, but until then, I am curious to see other people's insights and thoughts, etc.

When first being introduced to the possibility of a mono/poly relationship, what was your reaction to the thought of another man being intimate (from glances and hand holding to oral and penetration sex) with your love? At this point, my fiance's stomach turns to knots when he thinks of it, so I'm not yet pressing to get a glimpse inside of his head.. so I wanted to ask you.

I always smiled at the thought of my man loving or loving on another woman, so I can't understand his feelings and he is not yet able to express them fully. I used to think it was simply a masculinity thing, but I think it goes deeper than that and I am so curious to find out then inner workings of a mono mind. Soooo intriguing!

Thanks!
-Kat
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Old 01-12-2012, 08:41 AM
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The whole idea of being mono is that you only want one person to have that intimacy with. Why he isn't comfortable that you are poly is probably because most people who are brought up around all this mono culture, feel that it is even wrong to be with more than one person. But it is something people can overcome.

I know it's a lot more complex than that really, but it gives you a basis. I think it could be an interesting question to ask my partner. =]
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Old 01-12-2012, 09:02 AM
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I was brought up in this mono culture as most of us probably were, so I simply thought we were all poly-minded but living with society's stringent rules. I am just now, at the age of 30, realizing that people don't think the way that I think and that there's actually a word for me (polyamourous). So, with that, I realize that my fiance's issues may be more than a masculinity thing.

I also wonder how each man got past their issues, beyond the, "I love her so I learned to [insert life lesson here]." What was the initial disgust about? Where did that feeling come from? Why does the thought of such things hurt? What made it hurt less? What realizations did you have to come to? How did the two of you communicate and work through things? How long did it take (understanding that each person is different)?

Do I hope that one day my man can move past his hang-ups? Of course. Do I expect it to happen in a day, month, year, ever? No, we'll just let things naturally work themselves out. I'm going to love, cherish, and be with him regardless.
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Old 01-12-2012, 09:38 AM
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There is the underlying message, handed down through the ages, that women are property. I mean, considering that even as late as the 1960s and 1970s most women could not even get a credit card in their own name, is it any wonder that inherent in the idea of marriage and relationships that men are taught to be very possessive toward women they get involved with. They are still taught that their sense of worth comes from working and supporting their loved ones, so no matter how enlightened or open-minded someone is, they have to get past that bullshit.

So, I think one of the ways this expresses itself is in the traditional mono attitude. Much of the disgust a male partner feels at the idea of another man being physically intimate with the woman he loves has to do with it being a violation of something that only he "has a right to" -- in essence, his property and possession. I think it is very strong in our culture for a man to feel that a commitment with a woman means she belongs to him. Of course, lots of women feel the same way about "their men," but this is a huge influence on our ideas of relationships and marriage in general.
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Old 01-12-2012, 11:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
I was brought up in this mono culture as most of us probably were, so I simply thought we were all poly-minded but living with society's stringent rules. I am just now, at the age of 30, realizing that people don't think the way that I think and that there's actually a word for me (polyamourous). So, with that, I realize that my fiance's issues may be more than a masculinity thing.

I also wonder how each man got past their issues, beyond the, "I love her so I learned to [insert life lesson here]." What was the initial disgust about? Where did that feeling come from? Why does the thought of such things hurt? What made it hurt less? What realizations did you have to come to? How did the two of you communicate and work through things? How long did it take (understanding that each person is different)?

Do I hope that one day my man can move past his hang-ups? Of course. Do I expect it to happen in a day, month, year, ever? No, we'll just let things naturally work themselves out. I'm going to love, cherish, and be with him regardless.
I've had those feelings before myself. Even though mono never made sense to me and have always been poly at heart. I was just brought up around mono culture. My mother is weirded out by the fact my sister is bi, never mind bringing poly up. =P

So my answer would be, I was just brought up to believe what indie says. That women were like property I guess? Though I can't say I ever felt that. I "got past it" by just learning about who -I- was. I'm big on freedom and everyone having it. I never worked with a partner or anything to fix that. It was a literal wake up one day and realised I needed to be myself. Some people go their whole lives not figuring themselves out. There's a lot to learn. I bet I'll be finding things out about myself for a long time too. =]
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:06 PM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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Well, I assume the two of you (and anyone who reads this thread buy has not chosen to reply) have poly friends and know people in mono/poly relationships, so if you could poll the ones you know and answer the following questions, that'd be great!

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
I also wonder how each man got past their issues, beyond the, "I love her so I learned to [insert life lesson here]." What was the initial disgust about? Where did that feeling come from? Why does the thought of such things hurt? What made it hurt less? What realizations did you have to come to? How did the two of you communicate and work through things? How long did it take (understanding that each person is different)?
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:16 PM
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What, our input has no merit for you? I know you want to hear from "mono men," but... sheesh.

You just posted your questions today (at shortly after 3am in my time zone), and it's still early morning in North America. You will surely get some responses from members who have experience to share, and you are asking for answers that require some thoughtful consideration. Be patient. The day is young.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-12-2012 at 12:20 PM.
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Old 01-12-2012, 12:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
What, our input has no merit for you? Sheesh.

You just posted your questions today (at shortly after 3am in my time zone), and it's still early morning in North America. You will surely get some responses from members who have experience to share, and you are asking for answers that require some thoughtful consideration. Be patient. The day is young.
I'm sure Kat isn't meaning to sound pushy. ^_^ But yes, it is early yet. Just gone midday over here in England. Most people on the site are American and Canadian, who are 5-8 hours behind or something.
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Old 01-12-2012, 03:14 PM
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My two men are mono, but aren't able to answer you directly. Language boundaries and such. I will translate the discussion that ensued when I asked them your question
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Lin: Poly wasn't the matter for me. Phy could have been promiscuous, or could have called it whatever you can think of, it was the same for me. In the beginning, when we discussed the topic (I was still at home, separated from them), I wasn't envious that she could love more than one, I was envious that Sward was able to get what I wanted to have. When we processed to a more practical handling and I got to know Sward better, we met and talked, the envy vanished in that regard and a new issue arose: They knew each other so much longer and every time they talked about 'Ah, do you remember this or that, wasn't it fun?' envy hit home again.

Regarding the sex-matter: Yes, of course it isn't a pleasant feeling at first, but it depends tremendously on the other partner. On which level of friendship you are with him. Do you hate him? Do you envy him? Do you accept him/ still feeling uncomfortable? At that stage it depends on what type of guy you are. If you are like

(Sward skipping in) having no problems with your wife being intimate with another man, in a certain way even like to think about that.

(Lin again): Yeah, right, you are strange *pokes him* Or one proceeds as I did: You accept that there is another one, doing different things with your spouse that she likes, having been together long enough to know everything about her and such; But I am mostly pretending to just have a mono relationship with her. I don't think about Sward, I am satisfied with what I have with her and I normally don't think about her husband at all. It's just OK. I can't say that I still have problems with them being intimate most of the time.

But the most important point for me is: How does my partner behave? The poly person of the relationship just has to get across that she is able to distinguish between the other persons who are in a relationship with her. Phy did that right from the start, tried to explain to us that we are so different, giving her different things, evoking different feelings and such. This assurance isn't necessary all the time, but it has to come across as true and secure, because the real understanding how 'this poly mind' works will never be there for a mono person. It helped me when she pointed out in what parts her husband and I were different, taking note of special personal traits and quirks, expressing that she liked this particularities about me and so on.

You don't have to see the other person as a friend in all cases, but you have to be able to accept him in her life. Comprehending that she loves another person like she loves you *jokingly* like she preaches: one level for all, no one is more important to me, no hierarchy, one level for all .... *serious again* and the most important point: She has to get across that you are something special, giving her something that the other isn't able to give her. That's how it works for me. And talk! Communicate, communicate communicate. Lot's of communication helps. *smiles*

Me to Sward: Anything to add? Initial thoughts?

Sward: Well, my situation has been different. I have been the one who has been in a long relationship with her, I had to share suddenly. It took a lot of trust in regard to her. I had to trust her that the love was strong enough that she wouldn't leave me, that this wasn't a scam, that this was truly what she felt. At first, I lost some of that trust, because it was so new. But when I talked to Lin, I regained that trust, when we build this friendship, it helped to deal with this situation because we got along with each other.

I liked talking about Phy with him, exchanging experiences and ...

(Lin skipping in)Yep, profiting from experience of the person who has been in the relationship longer, knowing all her spleens and quirks *laughs*

Sward: Yeah, right *grins back at him* But talking about problems as well.

In regard to physical intimacy: I am a bit different, I like thinking about stuff that they may do with each other, therefore I don't have that many problems with that side of things. Emotional intimacy was my problem when things got started. What would have problematic for me, would have been to maintain different households. It is important for me to be able to see them, experience them together, share chores, helping each other

(Lin skipping in) But it would have been problematic if we would have been more like alpha males. This works because we are both like we are, *glancing at me* we have our alpha right there .

Sward: Well, I even clean your room from time to time when I got the mopping water ready and am at it.
Lin: Right, that's what I mean, we are homemakers.

Sward: And finally: Communication is the key
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  #10  
Old 01-12-2012, 03:20 PM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
What, our input has no merit for you? I know you want to hear from "mono men," but... sheesh.
Your insight is most appreciated, of course! I do fear, however, that this thread will turn into a discussion on culture and our use of possessive words, etc. and my original thought will be lost in the discussion. No offense though. Again, I appreciate you both. All insight is good insight.

And yes, the day is young and I'm running off of a little over a week with next to no sleep (work related) and a furiously curious mind (relationship related). So pardon my posting, checking and reposting within what was probably a few short hours... sleep did actually happen between the posts.. I think.
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