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  #1  
Old 01-12-2012, 01:07 AM
Bells Bells is offline
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Default Falling for a guy who is poly and a bit torn on the issue

So I knew straight from the get go this guy was poly, pretty much the first conversation we ever had was him explaining his relationships to me. I am pretty familiar with poly relationships, never really been in one though, I would describe what I have done as more of open relationships. While I have never been in a poly relationship it is something I am very open to the idea of and have actually tried to instigate it in a few past relationships.

Here is my dilemma. He is already very seriously involved with three other woman and while right now he is going tremendously out of his way to spend extra time with me and contacts me almost every day to at least say hello I am worried I might be the tipping point. Right now he has his relationships balanced, from everything I understand aside for the occasional little upsets everyone is getting when they want/need from everyone else. I don't want to be the girl to step into this and throw the balance off, 4 is a whole lot of relationships. I am also seeing other people, although nothing that is currently very serious, and just trying to keep this guy at arms length right now. I am afraid to become to emotionally invested, I do not have a history with him like these other woman do so I can imagine if things got sticky I would be the person who would need to step away.

Part of me says this is just a bad idea, the odds are really high I am going to get hurt and there is the possibility of me hurting other people already in his life. Another part of me says he has been doing this type of relationship a hell of a lot longer than me and knows what he can and cannot handle, so if he thinks I could fit into his life maybe there is space. He has never said anything along the lines of me being one to many, or that he is spreading himself to thin, but it is just my concern trying to objectively look at it.

I know that no one here can tell me what the right decision to make is here, but maybe I can get some advice and some realistic expectations. I have been enough relationships to know that there is defiantly a real spark between us. To the point that if I don't follow though with a relationship with him I still would want him to be part of my life as a good friend. Ack, just getting so frustrating, I finally meet someone I really click with and he has to be the most complicated man on earth lol.
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Old 01-12-2012, 01:30 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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With that much experience and that many relationships, I would hope he's very good at communication, so my advice would be: talk to him. Tell him about your concern, or even show him this post. See what he has to say about it. I would think that the person most qualified to decide if he has time for another relationship without short-changing/hurting anyone is him.

Also, since you already obviously have a connection to him and want him in your life at least as a friend, I would think giving a relationship a try would be good, if that's what you both want. At least then no matter how it went you wouldn't spend years wondering "What If??" (yes, I know this is a slightly selfish attitude and I applaud you for being concerned about the other people involved, but you can't live your life true to yourself if you're making your decisions based solely on OTHER people's needs)
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Old 01-12-2012, 03:34 AM
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It is a conversation we need to have. We have sort of been avoiding it, changing the topic when it comes up as to what we are.
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Old 01-12-2012, 03:44 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Four separate relationships for one person seems like maybe a little too much to me. Even if he can juggle it, you wouldn't get much of his time/energy. Do you think you would be cool with that or do you think you'd end up feeling like this: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19512
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Old 01-12-2012, 03:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Four separate relationships for one person seems like maybe a little too much to me. Even if he can juggle it, you wouldn't get much of his time/energy. Do you think you would be cool with that or do you think you'd end up feeling like this: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19512
Exactly what I am afraid of. Like I said I am seeing other people but I have yet to meet that person that I can take along to normal bring to SO occasions. I have not been looking terribly long though.
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Old 01-12-2012, 03:56 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hullo and welcome!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bells View Post
Another part of me says he has been doing this type of relationship a hell of a lot longer than me and knows what he can and cannot handle, so if he thinks I could fit into his life maybe there is space.
Part of me wants to say yes, he is an adult, his partners are all adults, and not your responsibility anyway. On the other hand, he may be kidding himself, with the new love interest in the picture he might be telling himself that he has more time in his life than he really does. When you are heavily attracted to someone you cut down on sleep and free-time activities to make time for that person. You mentioned him going out of his way, but on the other hand he has not mentioned anything about spreading himself too thin. Is the "going out of his way" your interpretation, or is there some actual evidence that he is neglecting some part of his life to make more time for you?

Are the other ladies in his life only involved with him right now? How much do you ideally think you would want to spend time with him on a weekly basis? Is that conceivable, taking into account everyone's existing commitments? The beginning stages of a new relationship, when both partners are highly motivated to spend more time together than apart, is really upsetting for most established partners. Even when physically apart, there's texting, IMing, phone convos etc.

I take it he lives alone. Does he have any long term plans with his other loves that you need to be aware of? Is he planning on moving in, making a legal commitment, having kids with one or more of his partners?
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bells View Post
...I have yet to meet that person that I can take along to normal bring to SO occasions.
Somewhat related to my earlier post: partnering up with a man who already has three serious connections going on for him means you lose out on many of the traditional benefits of partnerships, such as social recognition, legal perks and shared economics. It doens't have to be like that but it most likely will be. There will be occasions when one of his other SOs has an office party on the same night your friends from out-of-town are visiting and would like to meet him. Or times when you are having tough time at work and would like to talk to him, but another SO has just lost a relative and is in dire need of consolation. If you decide to pursue this, make sure your own support networks, your own life and interests are wide and active, because regardless if you find someone to be in more of a primary situation with you or not, you will not have as much of him as someone dating monogamously would.
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:06 AM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Hullo and welcome!



Part of me wants to say yes, he is an adult, his partners are all adults, and not your responsibility anyway. On the other hand, he may be kidding himself, with the new love interest in the picture he might be telling himself that he has more time in his life than he really does. When you are heavily attracted to someone you cut down on sleep and free-time activities to make time for that person. You mentioned him going out of his way, but on the other hand he has not mentioned anything about spreading himself too thin. Is the "going out of his way" your interpretation, or is there some actual evidence that he is neglecting some part of his life to make more time for you?

Are the other ladies in his life only involved with him right now? How much do you ideally think you would want to spend time with him on a weekly basis? Is that conceivable, taking into account everyone's existing commitments? The beginning stages of a new relationship, when both partners are highly motivated to spend more time together than apart, is really upsetting for most established partners. Even when physically apart, there's texting, IMing, phone convos etc.

I take it he lives alone. Does he have any long term plans with his other loves that you need to be aware of? Is he planning on moving in, making a legal commitment, having kids with one or more of his partners?
He has occasionally mentioned that he is skipping doing something in order to spend time with me, but never really important things. Just slightly inconveniencing himself in order to spend more time with me. Not cutting into time with the other woman.

All of his other partners as also seeing other people. However he does live with one of the women. He does not like to consider her his 'primary' partner though, he has to same emotions for the others as well...his words not mine. He is however planning to marry the partner who he does live with.

As far as physically seeing him I would like to be able to spend at least a few hours with him a week. Does not really matter if it is a long day together one week, then the next week I might see him a couple times but only for a short period of time. I am someone who likes a lot of space in a relationship. The fact that he calls and/or texts me every day is a lot for me.
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Old 01-12-2012, 06:55 AM
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I have four relationships. They vary in the amount of time I spend with each person. We negotiated time down to the two that I live with being the central amount of time and in a balance; one partner I spend social time with and occasionally go out with separately and the other I see once a month to six weeks. They all know this is all I have and if they need more then they have to look for other loves to fill the gap and not put it on me. I only have so much to give.

While I wish time were infinite, it isn't. I love spending time with all of them and it is occasionally frustrating, but that is how it is in poly so we are satisfied with what we have, get frustrated some times and keep at it until its done. Really, if you expect more then I would be looking for someone who wants less partners or someone that is monogamous... even that isn't a guarantee of more time together though. Its all in the negotiations I think.

I would be more worried about how much time he spends with his primary; himself. This is where I was neglectful. I am working on turning that around now as after 3-4 years it became evident that I was resentful and unpleasant to be around as a result of self neglect.
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Old 01-12-2012, 11:06 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Can you talk to any of his other partners about this? As you say you've been avoiding some of the harder conversations when the topic is "what are we, what can we be" Perhaps he is avoiding directly asking his other partners if they feel like adding another relationship will be problematic for them, and discussing what it would mean.

My boyfriend has a wife, and another long term partner. When our relationship ended up being something that looked like it would be lasting more than a few months, his wife and I had a bit of discussion how two additional "serious" relationships for him was probably pushing it time wise. I "think" it is being managed OK and everybody is tolerating/getting their needs met for the most part. I don't like to think how everybody would be feeling if he wasn't staying conscious of how he was splitting his time.

If he started dating a fourth person, I can only guess what that would mean for his other two partners, but even if it ended up meaning our one date a week ended up being skipped once a month, or even cut short by a couple hours here and there so he could spend time with them, I am guessing that might be the end of our relationship. Because in our case we don't talk between dates, I don't think I'd feel like we were having the time to connect. I think I'd rather not see him at all than be feeling like I wasn't quite getting enough on an ongoing basis.

That said, he might think it'd be fine (or being avoiding really thinking about it practically), some or all of his partners might think it'd be fine in theory, but unless he knows what time requirements he'd have to commit to so you'd be happy dating him, and THEY know how he will have to alter his schedule with them to accommodate him dating you, it is just a guess. And just maybe one ore more of them would be glad to cut down the amount of time with him so he can see you and they can have more free time to do the laundry!

Good luck.
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