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  #21  
Old 01-11-2012, 03:40 PM
Tesla Tesla is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Plus, when I get to the end of the list of things I like about myself and I see "my boobs" I always laugh. Funny and 100% true! They are awesome! Haha It makes for a good way to start my day.
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  #22  
Old 01-11-2012, 08:16 PM
Tesla Tesla is offline
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The party story really makes me sort of feel on the side of your guy, because he was trying to say, "See? Things are fun, everything's okay in the world, no need to be upset!" He was trying to share his happiness with you, and your own insecurities overlooked that meaning.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, you already feel that, but you need to understand that HE'S not making you jealous. Neither is his crush. YOU are making yourself jealous.
But knowing how uncomfortable I still am with the situation why go ahead and do something that it's clear I'm not going to be okay with at this point? It seems selfish to me and like it disregards my feelings and what I am comfortable with right now. It's somewhat provoking, is it not? I am making an effort to transition our relationship into something that he will be more comfortable with, while he's running out to cuddle with people all night, knowing I am home alone, upset and ignorant of what's happening at this party.

Listen, this whole party thing didn't even make me mad, we didn't fight or anything about it. It made me upset, mostly because I felt like he was putting me and my feelings aside in favor of his own pleasure before he knew I was ready to be okay with him cuddling, kissing, etc. with other women. Kind of just felt like, okay whatever, this is what I want to do and I don't care that you're most likely not okay with it.
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  #23  
Old 01-11-2012, 09:04 PM
vermin06 vermin06 is offline
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But knowing how uncomfortable I still am with the situation why go ahead and do something that it's clear I'm not going to be okay with at this point? It seems selfish to me and like it disregards my feelings and what I am comfortable with right now. It's somewhat provoking, is it not? I am making an effort to transition our relationship into something that he will be more comfortable with, while he's running out to cuddle with people all night, knowing I am home alone, upset and ignorant of what's happening at this party.

Listen, this whole party thing didn't even make me mad, we didn't fight or anything about it. It made me upset, mostly because I felt like he was putting me and my feelings aside in favor of his own pleasure before he knew I was ready to be okay with him cuddling, kissing, etc. with other women. Kind of just felt like, okay whatever, this is what I want to do and I don't care that you're most likely not okay with it.
That's understandable. My husband is uncomfortable with my being with guys, so I've agreed not to be with any guys until he's ready. In the meantime, he has some things he needs to deal with regarding himself, and that won't just benefit a poly situation, but it will greatly increase his quality of life, as will your working on your insecurities increase your quality of life. When your quality of life is better, your relationships actually reflect that.
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  #24  
Old 02-06-2012, 04:33 PM
Tesla Tesla is offline
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Smile A small step back, but a giant leap forward!

Well, his friend has cut he and I out of her life for the time being. She was upset with how long things are taking and believes he is lying to both of us. When he told me I was shocked. I then became upset. But I attributed all of my sadness to guilt because I didn't think sad was a fitting emotion. After all, isn't this what I wanted, her out of our lives? So I pegged it as guilt, blaming my emotions on my feeling responsible for what has happened (as I am the one who is slowing things down). That night after he told me I was thinking a lot about everything and for a moment I felt grief. I was grieving for the loss of this girl and her bf in our lives. Once I felt that I couldn't stop feeling it because I truly want them both in our lives. I know I have felt this way all along, but I've been so scared. I've been scared to admit it to him and even to an extent to myself. I know this because every time I let myself feel anything but anger towards either of them I would scream and yell inside until I was filled with the comfort and security of anger again. Anger is easy and familiar; conflicting feelings about multiple people, not so much.

We had talked about their relationship and ours after he revealed what was going on with her presently and discussed his hopes and desires for our future together as well as with them...again (because I like to talk things into the ground). But because I was grieving this time I wasn't listening to him through a filter of blind rage and I finally heard him and the earnestness behind his words. These things he had been telling me all along were not simple tales told to make the situation easier for me, they were true!

He and I spoke briefly about it and we will discuss it more tonight, but he's relieved that I feel this way and that I was able to talk to him about it. We are going to take this day by day, but hopefully something meaningful and full of love will grow from it. And hopefully we haven't lost them forever.

I would like to thank all of you who had replied to my original post for helping me to understand...everything. I would especially like to thank Bookbug for the suggestion of writing out the lists of things I like about myself and things I do well. It was incredibly difficult at first, but I am now very rarely berating myself in my head and I believe it shows in my day to day life.

Yikes! It felt so good to talk to him yesterday and so good to be able to write this today!

Last edited by Tesla; 02-06-2012 at 04:56 PM.
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  #25  
Old 02-07-2012, 01:52 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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This helped. It's incredibly easy to forget something as simple as that when you're so busy tearing yourself down.



I've actually heard this quite a few times before (and always immediately thought, what bs!), but after I read your post I decided to give it a go and started my own lists. It's amazing how much my psyche was fighting back. For every thing I wrote that I like it asked, "but what do you hate?" And, "is that *really* something worth liking about yourself? Really?" For every thing I'm good at it countered with, "you're not really that good at it. And you know what you're really bad at? This:_________ and this __________ and this _______." Yikes!

Once I started getting into the lists and was in the habit of telling that bitch in my head to shut up, I started feeling much better about myself and much more calm. So, thank you.
Sorry I'm so long in getting back to you! I'm so glad I was able to help. And your story about the negative self-talk as you made your list demonstrated exactly what I was trying to say. Good for you for telling that negative bitch to shut the hell up!
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  #26  
Old 02-07-2012, 01:58 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by Tesla View Post

I would like to thank all of you who had replied to my original post for helping me to understand...everything. I would especially like to thank Bookbug for the suggestion of writing out the lists of things I like about myself and things I do well. It was incredibly difficult at first, but I am now very rarely berating myself in my head and I believe it shows in my day to day life.

Yikes! It felt so good to talk to him yesterday and so good to be able to write this today!
I'm sorry that the gf broke it off, but it sounds like you are working through things and perhaps the situation is not irreparable.

And I'm ecstatic to hear you'r not giving your self bad messages any longer, and when they do creep in you stomp them out! Way to go!
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  #27  
Old 02-08-2012, 07:48 PM
Tesla Tesla is offline
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I'm sorry that the gf broke it off, but it sounds like you are working through things and perhaps the situation is not irreparable.

And I'm ecstatic to hear you'r not giving your self bad messages any longer, and when they do creep in you stomp them out! Way to go!
She wasn't his gf. She was still just a friend. Although they had emotional investment in one another, so probably better categorized as a non sexual relationship.

I'm not sure the situation can be fixed. I reached out to her and wrote a long email. She responded to let me know she had received it and from that I gather that this may not be fixable, at least not for a long time. I also gather that it doesn't have as much to do with me as it does with him and how she feels he handled this situation and all past situations with her.

It really, really sucks to lose not one but two friends (and whatever friends we've met through them) in all of this and to lose the opportunity for something so much bigger than its parts.

On a completely unrelated note, I lost a best friend this week due to her selfish, uncaring behavior that has lasted well over a year now. It's been a terrible week for friends.
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  #28  
Old 02-22-2012, 03:06 AM
Letitbe Letitbe is offline
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Does he tell you and show you that he loves you? My husband does that all the time, so when I tell him I'm feeling jealous he kind of feels like there's not much more he can say or do that he hasn't said or did. I've learned exactly how to approach the jealousy issue with him though as not to make him feel guilty. In the past when I've been angry or sad and I'd approach him he sort of felt defensive and felt I was trying to make him feel guilty. And maybe I was. Now when I do feel jealous I bring it up in a very calm, rational manner, so we can have a calm, rational discussion about it. He said when I'm calmer it's easier to discuss the jealousy issue. I can also identify with what you said about getting really quiet when he talks about her. I used to get this really sad look on my face when he would talk about her. But, then I realized that was hurting him and I didn't want to hurt him or make him feel guilty for doing nothing wrong. Dealing with jealousy is definitely a process, a journey I am still on. But, I will learn and grow, and I hope you do too.
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  #29  
Old 04-19-2012, 04:05 PM
Tesla Tesla is offline
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Question Messages of sweet nothings and the reactions

Okay, I have a bit of an update. After the girl broke off communication with us (she said, "I am done with all of this. Good luck in whatever you two do.") we began picking up the pieces. We saw her words as a finality. She was done being involved with us, she wasn't getting what she wanted and we were deteriorating as a couple as a result.

A few weeks later she sends my bf a text message telling him how much she misses him, etc. He doesn't respond. The next day she sends another text telling him that she's dedicating a dance that she was choreographing to their relationship and she just thought he should know that. He didn't answer.

By this point it has become clear to me that this is her M.O. with him. Introducing him to a relationship with her in spite of whatever monogamous relationship he's in at the time and then telling him how he'll never be happy if he doesn't allow himself the freedom to be with her. In the past this always turned into cheating and lying (their initial relationship was born of lies and deceit). With me he wanted to be honest because he valued me as a partner and didn't want what happened in the past to happen with me. So we worked on it. And it ended up not being fast enough (or whatever) for her, so she voluntarily removed herself from our relationship and life. Then all these messages started showing up.

A few weeks after the dance dedication text she contacts him again to tell him again how much she misses him and just wants to see him and can't we all talk and maybe she can just see him or maybe we can all four of us meet up even though she says she's positive I hate her. He doesn't answer at first, but eventually tells her he misses her friendship, but doesn't think getting together is the best idea.

Bf and I discuss and it's decided that he needs to be honest with her and he needs to explain to her that by contacting him like she's doing she is causing strain, anxiety and pain for him, for me, and for us. And that they cannot even be friends right now because her presence in our life is derailing the progress we have made with our relationship since she had left.

Her response is completely overblown dramatics. She's practically bawling through the text message, telling him he's being disrespectful by texting that and that he should look her in the eye and tell her and oh please can't they just have one last walk in the woods? Please. She begged him.

This is when I decided to get involved. I have to say, though, that I was extremely proud of myself for not becoming overly dramatic or emotional or nasty in my messages to her explaining how her messages to him made me feel disrespected. This little threesome is starting to really become a drag on my relationship with my bf. I decided to contact her and explained that if anyone has been disrespected in this situation it has been me. Not only when they kissed and kept it from me for months, but they had an emotional relationship for what probably lasted over a year while knowingly and purposefully keeping it from me. In my book that's cheating.

She removed herself from our relationship and then when it's him/us telling her, no, you really do need to stay away, suddenly she's bawling like he's just broken up with her.

By coming back to text him sweet nothings she knows fully well that she is placing strain on a relationship that's in the healing process. I explained to her just that. Coming back every month to tell him how much you miss/love him is going to be a huge hindrance to us working on and growing our relationship. She's not stupid. She may not be in a monogamous relationship, but she's well aware of how they work and she knows that right now we are in one and we are in a fragile place.

Certain things were said that I could understand and it's very clear to all of us now (I think) that no one is happy at where our individual relationships were left as a result of this. Meaning, I'm not happy that she and her bf aren't in our life, they're not happy that we're not in theirs and my bf's not happy that their not in ours either. But I explained to her that it's too soon and I not only don't feel like I can trust her, but I don't feel like I can trust him with her (because of what's transpired in the past).

My bf and I have decided together to work on our relationship, to help it become the most meaningful and love-filled that it can be. She knows this because she knows we are still together. I think it was incredibly disrespectful of her to try and worm her way back in. At least that's the impression I got from her messages.

Maybe one day I can trust her again, but that's not going to be until I have full confidence in my relationship with my bf. Only then will I be able to start the healing process with her.

Am I wrong for wanting her to butt out at this time (as she herself said she would and wanted to)? Should I even be entertaining the idea of letting her back into our life at some point in the future? For anyone who's had something similar happen in a relationship, is it at all possible to be able to trust someone who claims to be highly ethical, but who's actions in the past have proven otherwise (cheating with my bf, lying by omission)? I have seen nothing but selfishness from her in this last year and a half and I've been made to feel not like my bf's partner, but like a block to what she and he wanted. However, I do believe there's something better there. I think that if I knew her better it would be different (because we have different ideas about a lot of things and I am a firm believer that learning about and embracing the differences between us creates understanding and love), but I can't at the moment allow her into my life to be able to embrace her. I fear I would be always looking at her with suspicion, I would be micro-analyzing every conversation, every look and laugh directed at not only my bf, but me as well.

My bf and I are in an extremely good place right now. Things are starting to feel the way they did pre-poly talks, but better, with a stronger bond and love (and you all know poly talks are famous for producing that even if the relationship does not convert). I want us to be able to continue on this healing path, but I am also curious to know if anyone has advice as to what should be done in the future in regards to this girl and her bf, who we really would like to be involved in our life (even if only as friends)
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  #30  
Old 04-19-2012, 08:02 PM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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I am also curious to know if anyone has advice as to what should be done in the future in regards to this girl and her bf, who we really would like to be involved in our life (even if only as friends)
Easy. No contact. Cut them loose; she's toxic and he's willing to stay with toxic, so his judgment can't be that great. You and your bf work on your relationship, and if someone healthier comes along for either of you, great!
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