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  #11  
Old 01-10-2012, 12:49 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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Hmmm. The wife doesn't seem controlling at all. I think this is more a case of, J. wants to be poly but deep down, he worries that it's wrong. And he worries that his wife might feel "left out" if he pursues individual relationships. And also, since his past partners all started as his wife's good friends, it felt natural to continue including her in whatever he did with them. And since that was the relationship model he was used to, he continued to try to do it with me, even though my friendship was with him first and I really don't know his wife very well.

I really hate that this happened. I was just starting to have feelings for J. I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship.
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  #12  
Old 01-10-2012, 07:36 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Is there a chance you could talk to his wife about it, see if she will encourage or..."insist" J date you alone if he is interested as she encouraged your first date? If she is fine with it, maybe he needs to hear it clearly from here again that she is OK with it.

If she knows that you feel weird about the way the dating is going down, that could help change their dynamic for the better. I know that can be a weird conversation to have, but I have found the hardest and weirdest conversations I have had regarding poly relationships with people have often led to the most improvements in the situations I was uncomfortable with.
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  #13  
Old 01-11-2012, 02:25 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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I may try to talk to the wife. She is a FB friend, I just have to catch her on there. I do hear that she isn't pleased with me and this situation, so I may wait on that a bit.

I'm starting to feel that J. may be the dating equivalent of Rain Man. I talked to him last night and again was frustrated. I tried to explain to him that I felt awful for hurting him, but his seeming reluctance to see me alone, while still seeming to think that our relationship was proceeding, made me feel as if he didn't take our relationship, or me, seriously, and that was part of what I had reacted to. He then suggested we talk again in person, and I agreed to that. He wanted to drive over right away (he lives ten minutes from my house), but I nixed that, I was about to go to bed. I then pointed out to him that our jobs are 15 minutes apart by car, and having lunch together would be a simple matter (and, although I didn't point this out to him, I expected that lunch would HAVE to be one on one since neither of our spouses work nearby). Anyway, J. said, "I almost always have lunch with this particular coworker," I was DAMNED if I was going to spell it out AGAIN that I wanted to have lunch with him, and we ended the conversation with nothing planned at all!

I like this guy a lot, but this is just too hard!

Last edited by gwendolenthefair; 01-11-2012 at 02:54 PM.
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  #14  
Old 01-11-2012, 02:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair View Post
I like this guy a lot...
Why? LOL

He's definitely sounding like too much high maintenance. And she isn't pleased with you? For what? What's her problem? Probably a lot of headache to get involved with him, so be grateful you're seeing the signs early on. if it were me, I'd steer clear and chalk it up to incompatibility.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 01-11-2012 at 05:02 PM.
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  #15  
Old 01-11-2012, 04:49 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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He couldn't bail on the cho-worker for one single lunch? Wtf?
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  #16  
Old 01-11-2012, 05:03 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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Don't know, AnnabelMore, didn't ask. I know the coworker is female, but also know that she isn't a potential partner for him, so I would think he could vary his lunch routine a bit. Especially since he say he wants to talk to me? WTF, indeed. I am certainly not going to BEG any man to have lunch with me.
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