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Old 01-11-2012, 02:51 PM
sasha72star sasha72star is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Western North Carolina
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Talking A New Girlfriend? The beginnings of a triad

My nesting partner and I met a beautiful woman about a month ago and since then have been spending time with her, getting to know her, and bestowing her with our affections, both verbal and physical. His and my communication has been clear and open since the beginning and has indicated a seemingly mutual interest in her for both of us. Hence, our primary struggles in this interaction has not been fear of loss or jealousy. We both feel we each have enough love and intimacy in our primary relationship to just let her go on her way, depending entirely on her personal desires.

So, having little or nothing to potentially lose, she and I went out for a late lunch yesterday (sushi=romance!), and I, being the candid and often less-than-coy individual I am, laid all available information on the table for her to plainly see.

"I'm going to tell you something I think you may already know." I started. (Oops, already awkward!) "I'm really good at making these things awkward, just so you know..." (I smile now, and she smiles back. Maybe awkwardness is okay, or endearing, even, in this situation.) "I have got a serious crush on you, girl!" (She smiles. I take this as encouragement.) "T and I have an open relationship. ...More in theory than in practice up to this point. But we are all at different points along the path, and our path encountered you, and you've sparked our poly-interest. We both like you. We are both interested in seeing you more in a romantic way."

She shares that she has already considered the possibility, and that she hasn't been entirely sure of the nature of our relationship up to this point. She raises some concerns. We talk about them. They are traditional concerns when approaching polyamory: fear of jealousy, balancing relationships and affection, fear of damaging a friendship. I share what I have come to understand since I've started considering a poly avenue. "I'm still just not sure." She confides.

"We're not ready to rush headstrong into this thing. We care too much about our primary romantic relationship, and too much about you and our friendship with you, to push anything before it comes naturally." (She nods. I can tell, she still has concerns.) "We would want to start with just dating you..." (She asks me what that means. "We want to spend time with you! We like you, and would love for us all to just spend some time together, getting to know each other, going out, staying in, what-have-you..." (She smiles.) "Isn't that what we're already doing?" She asks. "Well, uh, yeah... But we haven't talked about the romantic nature of this interaction yet..." I fumble. "So, would you be interested in trying this out? Just going out with us, flirting, showing affection all around, and continuing down this path as far as it might go?" (She smiles.) "OK." We both smile. "So... You wanna go out with both of us tonight?" I ask. "Yeah! Sure!" We laugh, and text T to come out when he's off work. Unable to wait, however, we rush back to my and T's nesting home.

We spent a most wonderful evening together! Eating dinner out, walking with her and her dog, holding hands. I don't know where this is going. I don't even care. I'm just so thrilled by what is happening RIGHT NOW, I'm not concerned about the future. All I want is to ensure everyone's well being, to continue to consider everyone's feelings, wants and needs, and to keep moving together as long as our togetherness lasts.

I'm almost scared by how easily this is happening. I've struggled so much with my feelings, thinking about "What will happen when..." but the interaction we all share makes me so comfortable, I have no fear. No jealousy. Just joy. ...Part of me questions whether that is possible, and wants to warn me that negative aspects will eventually arise. I'm working to keep that fear at bay, to recognize and accept what is really happening now for what it really is, which is WONDERFUL.
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Old 01-11-2012, 04:47 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Sounds like you approached it perfectly! And nice and slow is the perfect pace to start.

One thought immediately springs to mind. Often when there's a couple and a third person, attraction may start out equal then become more lop-sided. She may end up falling for you but not your husband, or falling for your husband but not you. Would those potential scenarios be ok with him? With you?

This essay may provide some useful thoughts as you move forward: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

Best of luck!
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 01-11-2012, 05:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

It all sounds great. Do you plan on each of you going out with her on dates individually as well?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 01-14-2012, 11:48 PM
ChloeJane ChloeJane is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Small Town, British Columbia
Posts: 45
Default Amazing!

That is so exciting! Sounds like a natural progression, and I am always a fan of the lady taking the lead in poly!! I think a huge part of it is finding someone who will be compatible with both of you.

Yes, of course things will come up, but for now.... YAY!!!!!
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jealousy, new relationship energy, secondary feelings, triad, trust

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