the story of a secondary

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

G&E are having troubles with money. And Gia just posted to a small circle of friends on a social network that she is upset, stressed, and worried about finding new childcare she trusts for Bee. It kinda stings that she hasn't asked me to step up and do a day a week, when I've offered multiple times. They need two days a week, so it wouldn't solve their whole problem, but it would save them money and I know they trust me with him, so what the heck? Are they uncomfortable with the idea of me stepping into a role that feels too co-parent-y? Or do they just not think I was serious?

Having friends and loved ones watch your kids full time is tricky, don't take it personally. One wrong move then everyone is upset with eveyone else and resentments start building on both sides. As parents, we want things done OUR way and it's hard to insist on certain things when we are dealing with family and friends verses those we pay to do a job. I was always worried that family and friends would think I was taking advantage of them. So I wouldn't automatically assume it's about trust or feeling too co-parent-y. My advice, sit them down and make them an official offer, not just something said in passing. Put a time limit on your offer (2, 3, 6 months or such) so they have time to find another care provider and save some money in the mean time.

[BlackUnicorn]

I'm proud of you for having made a decision on the Davis case! Love reading your blog, as always.

[AnnabelMore]

Updates!

I took SN's advice about coming up with a specific proposal for watching Bee -- one month of me taking off one weekday a month -- and brought it up to Gia on the lazy Saturday afternoon that we spent together this past weekend. Her response was that they think they can get Liza (their MILF friend that Eric has been hooking up with) to take on Bee's daycare needs, which will be really helpful to her since she could use extra cash. She said that I could help by filling in if there's an emergency, even though I cautioned her that it's hard for me to take off work without notice.

I finally asked Gia if she's interested at all in Liza, which has remained a faint, back-of-the-mind insecurity. She said that 1) no, she's not interested, and 2) Liza is completely straight anyway. Ha! I can't believe I didn't just ask earlier.

We talked online today and we finally set up a once-a-month recurring babysitting evening for me and Bee, so that she and Eric can go out. She now has two people committed to doing this, as our friend Bill has also volunteered, and she has two more friends she plans to ask, which would give them one night free per week and would actually lead to she and I having real, regular date nights again!!

During the course of the convo, I long-windedly reiterated that I won't be able to do the last minute fill-in thing often and she got a little exasperated, asking why I kept going over that point while simultaneously saying she should feel free to ask me... what was I trying to say?

I took a deep metaphorical breath and laid it all out on the table, saying that what was driving my words was something I hadn't felt comfortable expressing quite straightforwardly... that I really wanted to spend more time with Bee and that, as irrational as it is since I can't handle of all his daycare needs, I've been jealous of the women who've gotten the opportunity to do so. And I've been scared to ask for more time with him when it wasn't for a serious need of theirs or at their request, because I've felt unsure of my place in his life. I basically want to co-parent but haven't brought it up in those terms because 1) it's not really feasible now anyway, and 2) it might seem like too much to be offering, like it would be somehow intimidating or inappropriate for me to want that.

Gia explained again that they need someone who can reliably and consistently cover the two days of daycare he needs per week (which I knew), but said that she'd be happy to have me more involved and that one way I could do that would be to come over during the week on one of the days that she or Eric is home with him and just hang out, allowing them to be with their child but also to get work done around the house and keep things in better order. I said that sounded like a really good idea. We may also set up a second monthly recurring babysitting night for me, after they've had a chance to adjust to this new schedule and see how it's going. One concern for them is that they actually don't want to spend too much time away from their child, even if they do have the offers to babysit, because the time is just so precious.

She also said, in regards to co-parenting, that she didn't think it was something Eric would ever be down for. This is what I would have guessed... he can be so private and insular, I just can't imagine him thinking of an outside person as a third parent to his child without some radical changes to his thinking or a LOT more time and involvement. Opening up to one person, Gia, took so long for him, and he seems to be happy to leave it at that when it comes to his internal, emotional life. Add to that the fact that he's so fiercely and fully bonded to her and to Bee, and clearly puts that family unit miles above any other person or concern, and it becomes hard to see that mindset softening into something less rigid. Those are my musings on the matter, anyway.

Any time I begin to drift into triadic daydreams about Gia and Eric, like the idea of living with them at some point, I can just stop and remind myself exactly who Eric is and I come back to earth. Maybe he could open up, some day, but it's not worth expecting or pining for. I'm proud of how much more realistic I've become about this fact.

All that said, Gia told me that she thinks of the whole co-parenting concept much more fluidly than that. She pointed out that regular care-taking IS basically co-parenting, just without the making of life decisions.

Phew. It was an intense conversation, to be sure. I was glad to have it all out in the open, and grateful to her for taking the time to work through it with me. I *almost* brought up the whole "I think of us as family" discussion in the midst of it all, but I thought better of it. One heavy topic at a time. And I still don't feel like it's the right time for that... I have a need to talk about most issues, but some things ought to be given their own time to mature and just be what they are, and I think this is one of them. Note also all the stuff I said above about Eric and the way he is. If some sort of formal, verbal declaration of relation is something I don't think he can give me any more than he could tell me he loves me, then why force him into the position of rejecting me? Especially when I feel treated with great consideration and fairness in my position In their lives?

There's just one more thing to be resolved at the moment on this front. It actually occurred to me while I was writing this. I want very much for Gia and Eric to have "adult alone time" together in their house on a regular basis... in other words, I want them to be able to get it on, which I know is waaay hard for them when Bee is around. In theory, I could facilitate that by watching Bee. But in reality, I think I wouldn't be able to handle it if, say, I were down the street at the diner watching Bee while they were intimate, like Eric did for me, or god forbid if I were in the living room while they were in the bedroom. Not while Gia and I still don't have that. I would just freak out. :/

So, I need to set a boundary about that. No sex while I'm babysitting *unless* I'm taking Bee to my house, which I think somehow would make it ok for me. Hard to explain, but I'm pretty sure that would be alright. Wow, a for-real boundary! I feel like such a poly grown-up... and I am SO fucking frustrated that things are still at this point. I understand why it's this way, and I know that I'm doing the right thing for both Gia and myself by continuing to invest in this relationship and being patient, but I'm worried I won't be able to do this indefinitely. Hopefully, it won't be too much longer.

I honestly somehow thought this would be a fairly short post. Hah! Fat chance. More later on my conversation with Davis.

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Having friends and loved ones watch your kids full time is tricky, don't take it personally. One wrong move then everyone is upset with eveyone else and resentments start building on both sides. As parents, we want things done OUR way and it's hard to insist on certain things when we are dealing with family and friends verses those we pay to do a job. I was always worried that family and friends would think I was taking advantage of them. So I wouldn't automatically assume it's about trust or feeling too co-parent-y. My advice, sit them down and make them an official offer, not just something said in passing. Put a time limit on your offer (2, 3, 6 months or such) so they have time to find another care provider and save some money in the mean time.

Thanks, SN, this advice really helped, and I incorporated it into my approach as mentioned in my last post. It's soooo useful to have the perspective of someone who's been there. I miss LR's presence on the boards...

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

I'm proud of you for having made a decision on the Davis case! Love reading your blog, as always.

That's really sweet, BU, thank you! It's good to "see" you, and to hear that things are going well in your life.

[rory]

It seems that you really got to talk! That's good. I really admire how you take into account Eric's personality and boundaries even as you dream about more involvement. I think as long as it isn't a need for you, but a want, you aren't selling yourself short, and you are accepting and respecting him as he is. That isn't always so easy, but I find it to be essential in loving relationships (whether romantic or not).

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Any time I begin to drift into triadic daydreams...

I love this phrase, it could be the title of a poly romance novel - Triadic Daydreams. Haha!

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

I want very much for Gia and Eric to have "adult alone time" together in their house on a regular basis... in reality, I think I wouldn't be able to handle it if, say, I were down the street at the diner watching Bee while they were intimate, like Eric did for me, or god forbid if I were in the living room while they were in the bedroom. Not while Gia and I still don't have that. I would just freak out. :/

This really surprises me, and confuses me a bit, considering how well you know them and that they are married, and you have been sort of waiting to regain your relationship with Gia, and everyone's been honest and open, and all along you've diligently been working on your shit, so to speak. It's not like they've taken a break from each other or something. What would make you uncomfortable? Aren't they having sex now, when Bee is sleeping? Why would you babysitting Bee make their "adult alone time" any different? I guess I'm confused because I know how much you love them both and I picture you just beaming if they were given the opportunity to have romantic sexy times together without worrying about Bee. It sounds a little like envy, and like you've been influenced in some way (perhaps by someone else's insecurities?) because I don't "get" you as the type of partner that would freak out about that.

[AnnabelMore]

@Nyc -- I love the idea of them having sex, I want that for them. And I've been considering whether or not this would *actually* happen, but... I have this all too plausible vision of them in their bedroom while I'm in the living room with Bee and me hearing them moaning and then me just starting to cry. It's one thing to understand and accept rationally why I'm not sharing that sort of contact with her/them right now. I think it'd be another to have it so close, to be given aural and visual cues to help me visualize it, and to STILL not be sharing in it myself and not knowing when I might get to do so. I would remember all the times we were intimate in that house, that it was the three of us in that bed, which is normally something I try NOT to dwell on in order to stay in a mindset where I can be accepting and patient and chill.

I don't see it as a matter of insecurity, I see it as a matter of avoiding a situation that might bring all of my sad feelings about my physical separation from my partners to a painful boil. So, envy, yes. But insecurity would be being afraid of being left out and this isn't a matter of irrational fear... I AM being left out, completely, and have been for more than a year. It hadn't been easy, not at all, even though I've managed to be pretty sanguine about it lately.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

I don't see it as a matter of insecurity, I see it as a matter of avoiding a situation that might bring all of my sad feelings about my physical separation from my partners to a painful boil. So, envy, yes. But insecurity would be being afraid of being left out and this isn't a matter of irrational fear... I AM being left out, completely, and have been for more than a year. It hadn't been easy, not at all, even though I've managed to be pretty sanguine about it lately.

I didn't mean by what I said that you sounded insecure, but I wondered if someone else you know who might be feeling a little insecure and emotionally shaky might have triggered you regarding this situation. It was just a hunch and I could be totally wrong.

I guess what surprises me is that I got the impression that you've been around them so much over the last year even while not being as involved with Gia as much as you were before, and I guess I assumed that you'd been nearby or in proximity while they were intimate -- and I thought you had come to a much more okay place about it all because she has made some attempts at rekindling what you had.

Sorry, didn't mean to stir up anything more about it, but it sounds like you're pretty clear about how you feel and what's going on with you. I think asking for a boundary that you take Bee out so you don't have to hear them would be a good thing, if hearing them would make you cry (although crying when you're alone can be so healing).

[AnnabelMore]

Gotcha. I can't think of any outside thing that would have triggered this, though I appreciate the opportunity to consider it. And no, I haven't seen them do more than kiss briefly since Gia conceived, I really appreciate their circumspection. If it did all go down in the way I'm fearing, regardless of whether the tears were healing for me I think Gia would be utterly traumatized and ashamed if she happened to realize that her intimacy with Eric had made me cry (it's a small house and sound travels well). Feeling selfish is very painful for her.