Hmmm. The wife doesn't seem controlling at all. I think this is more a case of, J. wants to be poly but deep down, he worries that it's wrong. And he worries that his wife might feel "left out" if he pursues individual relationships. And also, since his past partners all started as his wife's good friends, it felt natural to continue including her in whatever he did with them. And since that was the relationship model he was used to, he continued to try to do it with me, even though my friendship was with him first and I really don't know his wife very well.
I really hate that this happened. I was just starting to have feelings for J. I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship.