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  #11  
Old 11-09-2009, 09:25 PM
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Sorry my friend, but it just doesn't seem to be in your best interest to stay. He doesn't seem all that into you for the long haul. I am not so sure that a poly relationship can be considered a long term serious relationship when its ones first. I would think at his age and stage, being monogamous that he would do better to find a mono woman.

Yup, I think you better start protecting your heart and think about what you will do if he leaves, because it sounds like he is thinking theses things.

Sorry you don't want to hear this and it isn't the answers you want, but I see no other option for either of you
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  #12  
Old 11-09-2009, 09:33 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
He doesn't seem all that into you for the long haul. I am not so sure that a poly relationship can be considered a long term serious relationship when its ones first. I would think at his age and stage, being monogamous that he would do better to find a mono woman.
This is the fundamental reason (what Mono said about it too) that things didn't go anywhere with my Other Guy from my first post on this forum.

He has never been in a "serious" relationship before, where he could bring someone home to his family for the holidays, etc. And he wants kids, which I would not be prepared to do even if I WEREN'T married to someone else. He saw a poly relationship as having "no future" - none for HIM that is, according to the life-script he felt compelled to follow.
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  #13  
Old 11-11-2009, 08:04 AM
Riunin Riunin is offline
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On the half a realashionship comment I think I may be able to clarifly as I'm in a similar situation, albeit less complicated as its onlly the two of us talking about my girlfriend taking another partner. He is Mono and only seeing you. In his mind you are the only person he needs, you are on the level of family, probably higher even. He probably sees you caring about him on the same level you care about someone else as cheating, worse because there is sex involved. For mono people like myself partner or lover is one of the highest levels of realashionship and it is reserved for oly one person you care about above all else, at least in such a way. He sees himself as only being able to be half of what you need to be happy. He sees your husband as being what he cant be to you. It's painful and hard to explain but thats my attempt. I hope its helpful to you.

If it doesn't make sense I apologize, I'm nit good at articulating myself, worse still at explaining emotions

Last edited by Riunin; 11-11-2009 at 08:09 AM.
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  #14  
Old 11-11-2009, 09:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Riunin View Post
On the half a realashionship comment I think I may be able to clarifly as I'm in a similar situation, albeit less complicated as its onlly the two of us talking about my girlfriend taking another partner. He is Mono and only seeing you. In his mind you are the only person he needs, you are on the level of family, probably higher even. He probably sees you caring about him on the same level you care about someone else as cheating, worse because there is sex involved. For mono people like myself partner or lover is one of the highest levels of realashionship and it is reserved for oly one person you care about above all else, at least in such a way. He sees himself as only being able to be half of what you need to be happy. He sees your husband as being what he cant be to you. It's painful and hard to explain but thats my attempt. I hope its helpful to you.

If it doesn't make sense I apologize, I'm nit good at articulating myself, worse still at explaining emotions
very well said and a good point! Mono has talked about this before to me and while I don't live it, I get it.
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Old 11-11-2009, 09:19 AM
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Ok, well ive talked to him and first off he would like to say: thanks for the support (or lack there of...) as he does not feel that many have actually said: hey, it can work.

to quote him from an email about this:

Yes, I do not want to meet him (at this time), have a relationship with him (at this time) and will not frequently bring him up in conversation with you. BUT I HAVE NO PROBLEM TALKING ABOUT HIM WITH YOU (sorry for yelling, but I am both worked up and feel like I have been trying to say that for weeks now and apparently you still havenít heard me). Yes, I might get quiet at times (I just donít have anything to say, but it is not because I am uncomfortable), but in all honesty I quite like hearing about what you and him get up to as he is an important part of your life

In a way, I know part of the emotion in me is the fact these people are somewhat rightÖ if I didnít see a future for us (the three of us), then I would have to agree with them and move on out. But I do! I donít know exactly what it looks like and when I try to pin it down right now I canít see how it could work for all of us (hey, common, letís remember we are only 3+ months into this, plenty can change and I hope it does). I know that I am immature when it comes to relationships, I canít say whether it would be any easier in a Mono relationship (maybe harder because it would be easier just to move on because we donít want to work through our concerns)

As for the half a relationship, he makes a good point. I have always thought about those things in my life, but letís be honest, if they meant that much to me, I would have been doing much more, much sooner and I wouldnít be here with you!

Lastly (I am sorry for ranting on here), the one that really sticks in my back is the comment about how I am apparently giving you an ultimatum!?!?! I wonít lie, it has crossed my mind, but I know that is not what I want anyway (for MANY MANY reasons)! When have I ever demanded to have more?!?! Yes, I may ask and when you say no, I know it is for good reason.


Yea, so Im not ready to just let him go just yet
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  #16  
Old 11-13-2009, 04:54 AM
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sounds like you got it figured good luck.
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  #17  
Old 11-13-2009, 07:48 AM
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I understand it is hard for your b/f to come to terms with the situation. I was talking about cowgirls/cowboys today w/ my lover, Bee.

COWBOY: Colloquial A monogamous man who engages in a relationship with a polyamorous woman with the intention of separating her from any other partners and bringing her into a monogamous relationship.

The thing is, being poly puts you in this minority... at least where I live. And anyone who finds out you're poly, if they are attracted to you, it makes you even more attractive. But sometimes as illustrated by rolypoly here, not exactly the way you want.

But that's the paradigms butting heads. The mono is trying to make sense of the poly in mono terms. The poly doing the vice vs. That's how a lot of people get beat up on these forums (like your b/f)... also because there's a lot of support here. We see the jealousy, the possessiveness, the insecurity and we think "aw damn girl, you don't need that!"

We're all humans, we all have faults and most of us are trying to do our best to do right by the people we meet and develop caring and trust for. Your b/f might want to change, or he might like himself just the way he is. The big concern I have is that statement you made about him seeing your husband as the enemy whom he hates. Your husband has the decency to knowingly, metaphorically, let a man walk into his house to enjoy the company of his wife and that man sees him as an enemy to be hated?
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  #18  
Old 11-13-2009, 08:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Legion View Post
The big concern I have is that statement you made about him seeing your husband as the enemy whom he hates. Your husband has the decency to knowingly, metaphorically, let a man walk into his house to enjoy the company of his wife and that man sees him as an enemy to be hated?
That was the big warning bell for me too. It's hard to take that kind of statement back.
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  #19  
Old 11-13-2009, 08:05 AM
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yup, I think she's done Legion... we have been over it.... don't get me wrong, I totally agree, but she thinks he is worth sticking with and that is the end of it for her. She came here hoping for someone to tell her that they thought there is good news. There was next to none given and that seemed to piss her off. Time will tell and that is that. I am sure we won't hear about it if it doesn't work out and will perhaps get it rubbed in our face if it does.

I am refreshed that you, Legion, see the value in being pushed to look at thinks differently by those on this forum. That to me is what it is all about, we don't know each other from Adam, so what does it really matter other than we can take others opinions in and use them to educate ourselves... that is certainly what I have gained!
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  #20  
Old 11-13-2009, 08:15 AM
JonnyAce JonnyAce is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
That to me is what it is all about, we don't know each other from Adam, so what does it really matter other than we can take others opinions in and use them to educate ourselves... that is certainly what I have gained!
that's exactly what i've gained from this forum, and i'm very grateful to see all the different opinions here, whether i agree w/them, or not, it makes me think, and reflect. *Group Hug*
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