Wife's bf's wife has a cuckquean and SM setup. Dysfunctional or am I being a dumbass?

[KindaPOd]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

Is he showing signs of abusive behaviour towards her? I would think that it was much more likely an agreed upon relationship dynamic between him and his wife if there isn't any evidence of the same kind of behaviour between him and your wife.

No signs of physical abuse. I could be overreacting. Kind of like that other issue of mine: It could go either way.

The thing about abusive spouses is that they come in two flavours.

One is incredibly easy to spot. They leave bruises. The neighbours can hear yelling and things being thrown around. They aren't subtle.

The other is incredibly two-faced. They know how to maintain their image in public. At home, they are free to do what they want.

The stuff that bf does in public with his wife is subtle. Average Joe wouldn't notice it. If you've ever been in an abusive relationship, you would notice it.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Does she seem happy?

No. Maybe that's just part of their play.

Originally Posted by Anneintherain

2. Is your wife one of the women who is having sex in front of her bf's wife to humiliate her? If this is the case, that's something I'd talk to your wife about why she does it, how it makes her feel and maybe you can see if you can make more sense of it. If she is and it's a big problem for you, but something she wants, then maybe you want to negotiate about it if she is willing - OR since you say you consider her your secondary now, you might just go with it being none of your business, as long as it's not affecting your relationship with her.

Yeah, she's had sex while bf's wife has watched.

Pretty obvious from the other thread here, but our marriage is in the crapper. I don't care about what my wife gets up to.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by KindaPOd

I don't care about what my wife gets up to.

I don't believe that. It seems there are quite a few things about your wife and your relationship that do bother you, so saying you don't care doesn't quite ring true.

[Anneintherain]

Originally Posted by KindaPOd

I don't care about what my wife gets up to.

Well if you don't care what your wife gets up to, I guess you do nothing, however I'm not sure then why you ask here what we think or what we'd do if in your position then, because if I didn't give a shit what my spouse was doing, I wouldn't bother to ask other people what they thought.

If you're asking about abuse, unless somebody is reaching out for help or being obviously abused, it's generally smart to mind your own business. She's an adult after all, and probably knows how to find the resources to get out of a situation if she doesn't want to be in it.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by KindaPOd

I can't remember exactly what I said. But I was specific. "Do you enjoy this? Is he abusing you? ect."

The thing about abusive spouses is that they come in two flavours.

One is incredibly easy to spot. They leave bruises. The neighbours can hear yelling and things being thrown around. They aren't subtle.

The other is incredibly two-faced. They know how to maintain their image in public. At home, they are free to do what they want.

The stuff that bf does in public with his wife is subtle. Average Joe wouldn't notice it. If you've ever been in an abusive relationship, you would notice it.

The other component is that abused people don't always realize they're in abusive relationships, especially with emotional/psychological abuse. Throw that into a BDSM scenario, and it easily enables the abuser to say "this is just part of our S&M play" and for the low self-esteem victim to believe him, despite her feelings that this is wrong or unpleasant.

[Sonic]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

The other component is that abused people don't always realize they're in abusive relationships, especially with emotional/psychological abuse. Throw that into a BDSM scenario, and it easily enables the abuser to say "this is just part of our S&M play" and for the low self-esteem victim to believe him, despite her feelings that this is wrong or unpleasant.

This.

The general distinction in my opinion would be that in a functional D/s relationship the humiliation and power play should be empowering and a positive experience for all parties concerned. If she doesn't seem happy, that would be a huge red flag for me.

I think you should address the issue.

What does your wife think about the situation?

I think it's a good thing you bring this up.

[KindaPOd]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I don't believe that. It seems there are quite a few things about your wife and your relationship that do bother you, so saying you don't care doesn't quite ring true.

One thing that you and I have in common, is that, unless something dramatic happens, we're both going to stick to our guns on this issue. Don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Originally Posted by Anneintherain

If you're asking about abuse, unless somebody is reaching out for help or being obviously abused, it's generally smart to mind your own business. She's an adult after all, and probably knows how to find the resources to get out of a situation if she doesn't want to be in it.

I don't care about my wife's sexual activities. I do care about a potentially abused woman. Especially since they usually aren't at their best state of mind.

You're suggesting that I take the route of apathy? At the very least, I'm going to offer a life-line to her.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

The other component is that abused people don't always realize they're in abusive relationships, especially with emotional/psychological abuse. Throw that into a BDSM scenario, and it easily enables the abuser to say "this is just part of our S&M play" and for the low self-esteem victim to believe him, despite her feelings that this is wrong or unpleasant.

That's what I'm worried about.

The less subtle abusers tend to vent their stress out on their spouse.

The more subtle types know how to manipulate their spouse(s). Abuse is just one form of manipulation. Saying "it's all just part of the dom/sub relationship" is another.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by KindaPOd

One thing that you and I have in common, is that, unless something dramatic happens, we're both going to stick to our guns on this issue. Don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Huh?? I don't get it.

[KindaPOd]

What does your wife think about the situation?

She thinks that asking bf's wife about it was as deep as I needed to go. But if there is a possibility that she is being abused, than my wife would want to know.

Originally Posted by nycindie

Huh?? I don't get it.

You think that I'm bitter and angry. You also think that I have a huge chip on my shoulder when it comes to my wife and her relationship with her bf.

My guess is that you also think I'm an asshole. But that's just a guess.

I disagree. Except about the asshole bit. That might be true.

We both have strong opinions and it's unlikely that we'll compromise.

[HappiestManAlive]

It is entirely possible that both points are true. I don't necessarily think it's healthy, but I've seen BDSM relationships work because one party was flat out abusive - and the other party liked it enough that it didn't matter. In an instance like this, the narcisist/codependant dynamic can function. :shrug:

The narcisist/abusive asshole threshold is what keeps me from being the Dom Violet wants me to be. The line isn't clear to me, and I'm scared of it.

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive

The narcisist/abusive asshole threshold is what keeps me from being the Dom Violet wants me to be. The line isn't clear to me, and I'm scared of it.

There is a lot of good writing about this out there if you're still interested. A good dom negotiates with their sub about what is and isn't permissible behavior for the dom, puts their sub's well-being first and keeps it in mind at all times, and stops when the sub asks for it to stop. An abusive asshole does none of this.

It's also a matter of sensitivity, of knowing your partner well enough to know if you're enriching their life or degrading it.