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  #11  
Old 01-07-2012, 11:23 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
As far as him dating someone and how that helps me, I need him to see first hand that he can feel something for another woman and still love me the same.
The thing is, this is not necessarily true. Not every mono person is a poly person waiting to happen. It may well be, if he feels staunchly mono and doesn't get poly, that he really is just wired that way, and that if he falls in love with another woman he might, in fact, fall out of love with you.

This is why I would never, ever try to nudge my mono partner into dating someone else. If he ever wants to I will support him every step of the way, no question, but as long as monogamy feels right for him I am going to accept that and not assume he can be anything else.

Are you willing to take the chance that your fiance might not work the same way as you and might leave if he falls for someone else?
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  #12  
Old 01-07-2012, 11:36 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I'm simply saying, I would enter into a relationship with someone that he wouldn't be intimidated by.
This begs the question - why would you put your boyfriend's apparent need to not be intimidated by someone before your own needs?

What if you met a guy and were instantly smitten? Let's say that, through whatever circumstances you met this guy, you get to know him better and are amazed at how compatible and perfect he is for you. He's great, and he thinks you're great, too. You can tell he's falling for you. You develop a crush, you fall for him... but your boyfriend is intimidated by him. So, you can't even go out on a coffee date with the dude.

Instead, you try to find a woman, because 1.) your boyfriend isn't intimidated by women; 2.) you aren't totally against the idea, even though vaginas scare you; and 3.) since you're not allowed by your boyfriend to love whomever you want to love, you'll at least have somebody and to prove to him... something (ick). Never mind that any woman you try to hook up with would feel like shit and second best - but hey, your boyfriend's insecurities are more important than anything else!

But you can't stop thinking of this guy that you have fallen for, because he has touched something in you and you really can't choose whom to love... and your heart breaks a little.

Do you not see that it's your boyfriends responsibility to handle his own insecurities by dealing with his feelings and making an effort to become as self-aware as possible? Why would you not even consider that it's YOUR CHOICE whom to be in relationship with, NOT HIS? Why do you let your boyfriend even think he owns you in that way? You should want him to know you have a mind of your own and that you need to fulfill your needs for yourself, not for him. Are you your own woman or not?
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-08-2012 at 03:19 AM.
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  #13  
Old 01-07-2012, 11:57 PM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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So, I either sacrifice myself and live monogamously or I end up with nothing.
Or, if the freedom to have other relationships is important to you, find another relationship where it IS allowed and you don't have to sacrifice yourself. That's also an option if your current relationship doesn't meet your needs.
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  #14  
Old 01-08-2012, 02:38 AM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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I choose him. At least now, we have an open line of communication.. and maybe we can renegotioate the terms of our relationship at a later time, but for now, and maybe forever.. he'll do just fine.
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  #15  
Old 01-08-2012, 02:43 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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I see what I'm doing now... I can't run seeking a relationship with a woman when 98% of me is fixed on men. It's not fair to me or her to embrace this 2% because it's the only thing my current relationship will allow. And I can't talk him into polyamory so he'll understand me better because he's just not into such a lifestyle. I'm so stupid/desperate.

So, I either sacrifice myself and live monogamously or I end up with nothing.
It's not an either or. There is another option. Since there isn't an actual person on the horizon who you want to date at this moment you can continue to talk to your fiance about what you truly want out of life. I suggest not getting married until you've come to a conclusion that you can both live with. You're going to need to work with each other on boundaries, which are likely to change over time. Worst case scenario is that you find out now that long term you aren't going to be compatible in a relationship. Even if that's the case it's better to know that sooner rather than later so that you can both go on and find relationships that do fulfill you 100%.

PS I'm glad you realize that you shouldn't be forcing yourself to be with women just because it's something he'd be ok with. You should never be with anyone who you don't want to be with 100%!
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  #16  
Old 01-08-2012, 04:04 AM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
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WE'RE COMMUNICATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's willing to at least talk about it because he doesn't want to otherwise lose me and he wants me to be happy! Ohhh and I'm soooo happy!!!!

And of course, part of me feels guilty for even having him have to go through this with me.
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  #17  
Old 01-08-2012, 04:18 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Icewraithonyx View Post
Blatant refusal to even try to educate himself about the subject seems worrisome.
Meh. Some people just aren't big readers. Also, if he feels he wants nothing to do with it, why would he want to educate himself? To use an extreme analogy: If your partner was into molesting children and wanted you to read books about why it was OK to molest children, don't you think your blatant refusal to do so would be completely appropriate?

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
As far as him dating someone and how that helps me, I need him to see first hand that he can feel something for another woman and still love me the same. He doesn't have to limit himself or deny himself connections with other people for the sake of not hurting me.
Assuming he is emotionally capable of being polyamorous himself, that is. If he's wired to be monoamorous, then pushing him to love another woman could be a form of rejecting him, because it could mean you're trying to get him to fall out of love with you, to make the break-up easier.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
I choose him. At least now, we have an open line of communication.. and maybe we can renegotioate the terms of our relationship at a later time, but for now, and maybe forever.. he'll do just fine.
It's good that you realize this could be a life-long decision. If he's not even the slightest bit open to the idea before marriage, it's extremely unlikely that he will ever warm up to the idea once the vows are said. Before you walk down that aisle, make sure you're 100% willing to be with only him for the rest of your life. If that changes, great, but it probably won't.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 01-08-2012 at 04:24 AM.
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  #18  
Old 01-08-2012, 08:59 PM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Before you walk down that aisle, make sure you're 100% willing to be with only him for the rest of your life. If that changes, great, but it probably won't.
This.

If I had that advice way back when and listened to it, it would have avoided a whole world of hurt.
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