Now He's Not Ready

[nycindie]

Unfortunately, I don't think Vanille will be coming back to this thread with an update nor, perhaps, to this forum (though I hope that's not the case). She PM'd me and, though I won't reveal the contents of her message, let's just say that Armani had a tough time with this discussion. Perhaps some friendly encouragement sent to both of them via PM will help - just a suggestion to anyone who feels like reaching out.

[opalescent]

Well, that's too bad. I hope both come back to the thread or the forum in general.

[AnnabelMore]

Personally, I want to apologize for my use of the word jerkface. :/ I stand by the substance of my post, but name-calling is never called for, and I regret writing with such a lack of respect, especially when there was not good reason to think that Armani was not, in fact, still trying to be a good, fair, and giving partner.

[Vinccenzo]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Personally, I want to apologize for my use of the word jerkface. :/ I stand by the substance of my post, but name-calling is never called for, and I regret writing with such a lack of respect, especially when there was not good reason to think that Armani was not, in fact, still trying to be a good, fair, and giving partner.

Oh you seem very sweet!

To me though, I try to benefit from that mirror effect situations like this can offer for personal growth. We don't always see ourselves and our actions the way others do. Sometimes the impression is unwarranted and other times we don't want the responsibility that comes with how we make others feel let alone other people knowing we have made them feel that way. When once someone shared a struggle they were having with me caused me to feel defensive over being seen in a poor light by others, it was put to me like this:

"If you don't want people to think you've been being a brat, stop being one and explain yourself!"

[redpepper]

Hm, too bad. Its hard to know what to PM if there is no indication as to why they aren't coming back. Its hard to know what I am asked to apologize about when no one is communicating. I can see how what some of what was said here would be hard to hear though.... that sucks. I can see how it would be hard to want to stick around for more of the same. I am not wanting to convince, but gaining more perspective on this would help.... I'd love to know what Armani thinks. Its so hard to gauge what is going on with only bits and pieces. It seems you have it all in hand anyway NYCindie. Maybe that is all that is needed.

[vanille]

I want to thank everyone for their support and advice.

Edit: Oh. And I'm not leaving the forum. Though out of respect for Armani, I will ask that this thread be deleted. If it can not be deleted, please do not be offended if I do not respond in it. Armani and I are a team. We should have approached this thread as a team.

[nycindie]

Vanille, I don't think the Mods delete threads, because it could contain valuable information to help someone else out someday in the future. I believe (but am not totally sure) that you can ask for the thread to be locked to prevent anymore posts added to it.

Glad you're not leaving. But remember that a team has individuals on it and each person has a right to voice their own views and express their own perspectives. While it's great to have solidarity with your husband, you are two people with two brains and two hearts - you're not joined at the hip. So if Armani gets bent out of shape because you felt the need to express your frustration or find a solution for yourself, perhaps he needs to work on owning his own shit and question why he doesn't approve of you doing your own soul-searching here. It seems rather selfish and self-centered to me. I am not name-calling - I can be selfish and self-centered, too. But it's something to look at.

[redpepper]

ya sorry, this thread isn't going to be locked down or deleted, but please feel free to not write on it any more.

I find it so interesting that when shit hits the fan people want to delete everything. I include myself in that too. I can delete my own posts whenever I want and believe me I have been really close to doing that at times, but I don't because I reckon I wrote it, people wrote about me, I get to sit and be uncomfortable. Just like everyone else does on here.

I get that its a trigger, but maybe in a week or so you can read this again and see if there are any nuggets of information that can be learned from. I find that there is learning in what I get pissed off about. When people hold a mirror up to my face its a humbling and frustrating experience. They don't always have the facts and I don't always have to give them the facts, but outside perspective on how what I do effects people and causes them to see me a certain way can be super useful in determining how I want to portray myself and what I need to work on. Maybe both of you will find that in time also.

I agree with NYCindie, you have every right to vent Vanille. Just as he has every right to be pissed off. You are two different people.

[vanille]

I'm not asking to have it deleted because I regret what I said. I asked because it hurt a other (separate) member on this forum. Enough so that he doesn't feel comfortable coming back.

But I respect the decision.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by vanille

But I respect the decision.

sorry, I wasn't clear. Its not my decision, its in the rules of the forum. We have made little exception to that rule from day one.

Sorry he's hurting. That really sucks. I hope he finds a way through it.