Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 01-06-2012, 05:14 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,255
Default

Unfortunately, I don't think Vanille will be coming back to this thread with an update nor, perhaps, to this forum (though I hope that's not the case). She PM'd me and, though I won't reveal the contents of her message, let's just say that Armani had a tough time with this discussion. Perhaps some friendly encouragement sent to both of them via PM will help - just a suggestion to anyone who feels like reaching out.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 01-06-2012 at 06:24 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 01-06-2012, 05:59 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,307
Default

Well, that's too bad. I hope both come back to the thread or the forum in general.
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 01-06-2012, 06:48 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

Personally, I want to apologize for my use of the word jerkface. :/ I stand by the substance of my post, but name-calling is never called for, and I regret writing with such a lack of respect, especially when there was not good reason to think that Armani was not, in fact, still trying to be a good, fair, and giving partner.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 01-06-2012, 08:04 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 330
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Personally, I want to apologize for my use of the word jerkface. :/ I stand by the substance of my post, but name-calling is never called for, and I regret writing with such a lack of respect, especially when there was not good reason to think that Armani was not, in fact, still trying to be a good, fair, and giving partner.
Oh you seem very sweet!

To me though, I try to benefit from that mirror effect situations like this can offer for personal growth. We don't always see ourselves and our actions the way others do. Sometimes the impression is unwarranted and other times we don't want the responsibility that comes with how we make others feel let alone other people knowing we have made them feel that way. When once someone shared a struggle they were having with me caused me to feel defensive over being seen in a poor light by others, it was put to me like this:

"If you don't want people to think you've been being a brat, stop being one and explain yourself!"
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 01-07-2012, 07:46 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Hm, too bad. Its hard to know what to PM if there is no indication as to why they aren't coming back. Its hard to know what I am asked to apologize about when no one is communicating. I can see how what some of what was said here would be hard to hear though.... that sucks. I can see how it would be hard to want to stick around for more of the same. I am not wanting to convince, but gaining more perspective on this would help.... I'd love to know what Armani thinks. Its so hard to gauge what is going on with only bits and pieces. It seems you have it all in hand anyway NYCindie. Maybe that is all that is needed.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 01-07-2012, 09:32 AM
vanille's Avatar
vanille vanille is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: New Orleans, Louisiana
Posts: 76
Default

I want to thank everyone for their support and advice.

Edit: Oh. And I'm not leaving the forum. Though out of respect for Armani, I will ask that this thread be deleted. If it can not be deleted, please do not be offended if I do not respond in it. Armani and I are a team. We should have approached this thread as a team.
__________________
In a relationship with Armani for ten years. New to the poly world and excited. Living in New Orleans...

Last edited by vanille; 01-07-2012 at 09:55 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 01-07-2012, 06:20 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,255
Default

Vanille, I don't think the Mods delete threads, because it could contain valuable information to help someone else out someday in the future. I believe (but am not totally sure) that you can ask for the thread to be locked to prevent anymore posts added to it.

Glad you're not leaving. But remember that a team has individuals on it and each person has a right to voice their own views and express their own perspectives. While it's great to have solidarity with your husband, you are two people with two brains and two hearts - you're not joined at the hip. So if Armani gets bent out of shape because you felt the need to express your frustration or find a solution for yourself, perhaps he needs to work on owning his own shit and question why he doesn't approve of you doing your own soul-searching here. It seems rather selfish and self-centered to me. I am not name-calling - I can be selfish and self-centered, too. But it's something to look at.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 01-07-2012, 08:19 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

ya sorry, this thread isn't going to be locked down or deleted, but please feel free to not write on it any more.

I find it so interesting that when shit hits the fan people want to delete everything. I include myself in that too. I can delete my own posts whenever I want and believe me I have been really close to doing that at times, but I don't because I reckon I wrote it, people wrote about me, I get to sit and be uncomfortable. Just like everyone else does on here.

I get that its a trigger, but maybe in a week or so you can read this again and see if there are any nuggets of information that can be learned from. I find that there is learning in what I get pissed off about. When people hold a mirror up to my face its a humbling and frustrating experience. They don't always have the facts and I don't always have to give them the facts, but outside perspective on how what I do effects people and causes them to see me a certain way can be super useful in determining how I want to portray myself and what I need to work on. Maybe both of you will find that in time also.

I agree with NYCindie, you have every right to vent Vanille. Just as he has every right to be pissed off. You are two different people.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 01-07-2012, 08:27 PM
vanille's Avatar
vanille vanille is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: New Orleans, Louisiana
Posts: 76
Default

I'm not asking to have it deleted because I regret what I said. I asked because it hurt a other (separate) member on this forum. Enough so that he doesn't feel comfortable coming back.

But I respect the decision.
__________________
In a relationship with Armani for ten years. New to the poly world and excited. Living in New Orleans...
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 01-07-2012, 09:00 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vanille View Post
But I respect the decision.
sorry, I wasn't clear. Its not my decision, its in the rules of the forum. We have made little exception to that rule from day one.

Sorry he's hurting. That really sucks. I hope he finds a way through it.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
marriage vs. polyamory, married dating

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:16 AM.