Interesting PoV on Veto

[Juntas]

When my wife and I became poly, we decided we would have veto power, and I have only ever used it once, and even then it was after a discussion. And the only reason it came up was due to the guy not accepting the rules and boundaries we had set up, he crossed them and it didn't sit well with either of us. So I vetoed it, so my wife didn't feel like the bad guy ending that relationship. I don't think its necessary unless the other person crosses the boundaries in which you and your partner have set up.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Juntas

When my wife and I became poly, we decided we would have veto power, and I have only ever used it once, and even then it was after a discussion. And the only reason it came up was due to the guy not accepting the rules and boundaries we had set up, he crossed them and it didn't sit well with either of us. So I vetoed it, so my wife didn't feel like the bad guy ending that relationship. I don't think its necessary unless the other person crosses the boundaries in which you and your partner have set up.

Again, not a veto as far as I can see. You both agreed with your wife to end the relationship. A veto would be if she DIDN'T agree and you called him up and said, "sorry buddy, yer out," while your wife cried "nooooo" in the back ground. This didn't happen by the account you are relaying; not a veto.

[riftara]

everyone, welcome Juntas - my John.

Our poly journey has been one of communication - but I have to say if I hadnt agreed in that case, I still would have respected John's wishes that I not be with this guy anymore. Mainly because he had never used his veto before, so I know that he wouldn't use it lightly.

[Ttree]

Originally Posted by zylya

http://www.scarletletters.com/current/021403_nf_rk.html



I've always been against the veto since I don't agree with an outside party being able to end a relationship, but I thought this was an interesting point of view - the idea that you trust someone enough to make the right decision by you instead of the right one for them. I'm still not sure I'd feel entirely comfortable giving someone that power thought. Thoughts?

I agree with your POV. I don't think love should have to be "proven" through demonstrations of trust and allowing someone else to control or limit you. Love is not demanding like that. (Bear in mind, anyone reading this, that I am referring specifically to the veto as defined "allowing someone the right to TELL you whom you may not date (and by my own extension, declare your love to and maybe at some point express your love via physical intimacy with said person/s)", under any or specific circumstances, I am not addressing the right to advise, or to veto oher things one may issue with regarding such things as who is allowed around the children, who is allowed in whose house, etc).

My own experience (more in very close friendships and family relationships than romantic relationships) has been that one tool that was frequently used by people to manipulate me was the "I'm trusting you to do this, don't let me down" or "if you really care you'll let me make this decision for you" angle, which I fell for many times. In the emotionally abusive and manipulative friendship(s) I was in it was basically a way for them to establish control over me.

However I am against the veto on principle because I see "love" as a big part of my personality, and wanting to be there for those I love, and tell those I deeply care about that I do really love them. Nobody can tell me whom to love and whom of my lovers I may lend my strength to. I see it as being about more than me and as an activist I see love as one of the things I fight for. Love is not wrong! However, other people may not have the same feelings as me, or form the same emotional and protective attachments I do. For me, to be able to love whomever I love and be able to be there on all levels when the person I love needs me is very important. I consider myself (currently) non-hierarchical for this reason, because I don't want to be held back or limited by someone else's veto whenever someone I care about needs me to be there for them. Maybe other people prefer a primary or see things differently?