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Old 01-05-2012, 10:01 PM
TheMouseRan TheMouseRan is offline
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Default Poly in loving relationship with Mono. Advice?

I started dating my girlfriend around 4 years ago. I'm deeply in love with her and we are compatible in every way but one... she's mono and I have recently discovered I am poly.

She is the first long term exclusive relationship I have ever had. She's kind, intelligent, funny and beautiful. My friends and family love her (perhaps more than me? lol). When I imagine my future the fact that she is a part of it brings a smile to my face.

Yet through the relationship there have been a few bumps. Most notably being when I fell for another girl. I was honest with my girlfriend about it and very painfully and abruptly cut off my relationship with the new girl. Sometimes I still think about her. In fact for quiet a while I've had to be careful about making platonic relationships with desirable women, to spare myself the temptation and hurt of falling for them.

Some time after that I had talks with my girlfriend about the nature of love, and also about the possibility of exploring sexuality with other people together (I only mentioned a 3 way, perhaps with another man even). She asserted that she could not be happy doing that. After sharing that with her I agreed to continue a strictly Monogamous relationship, for I could not bear to lose her. I also thought that these drives might be a passing phase, I'm only 21...

This next bit is a failing on my part. My girlfriend recently discovered that I had asked other girls for naked pictures over the internet. These were people I never met, but I got a certain exhilaration from doing this. It sort of progressed... Some people may call this cheating, I understand that perspective. Needless to say, she's very upset. Though it did in a sense serve to benefit. It re-highlighted the main divisive force in our relationship, that being our differences in sexuality. Considering what I had done I sought counseling services online for my behavior. Instead I found Polyamorous communities...

I guess what I'm asking is, if I really love this woman, what should I do? Do you know any examples of Polys living in strictly Mono relationships long term? How do they do it? Really anything will help...



TL;DR Can a Poly have a strictly Mono relationship and be successful? What should a Poly do when in a strictly Mono relationship with someone he loves deeply?
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Old 01-06-2012, 04:29 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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Mono / poly relationships are common enough where the mono person usually chooses to be mono.

I have a poly friend who married a woman who can only accept monogamy. He said he will stay with her but he kind of regrets marrying her.

I would suggest asking her to read a book on polyamory. Ask her to make an informed decision about what you are feeling. But in the end, it may still come to a choice and only you can really answer if you think you can be monogamous.
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Old 01-06-2012, 05:23 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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This would be a good read for you.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14167
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Old 01-06-2012, 07:06 AM
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There is a lot written here on monogamous people attempting to achieve a happy healthy relationship with polyamorous people. You might want to try a search in the tags for mono/poly. Its our largest selection under one tag. There is lots of interesting stuff to read.

I don't think that asking for pictures is something that could be an issue. Its the deceit and untruth by which it happened that is concerning. It seems concerning for her too. Yes, it could be considered cheating, but there is far worse. I would be taking this as a warning that you have some work to do to figure out how to make this relationship work and your relationship life in the future.

Personally I wouldn't settle for sucking up how I feel because of who I am with at your age. I wouldn't do it with out any other partners either. I do with the bf I have because he is mono and we continue to work toward some kind of future regardless. It seem slightly hypocritical of me to make these suggestions really as I do suck up a lot for him, please take it as me understanding where you are coming from.
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:02 AM
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Hey there, welcome.

I am a poly woman living with two mono men at the moment. When we discovered that I am poly it was big news for all of us and an exiting journey up to now. I am not sure that my husband is mono by heart, but he told me that he isn't interested in pursuing other relationships at this point in time. Both of them had to do some deep soul searching to get comfortable with this kind of relationship, but lastly decided to accept who I am, and to let me be and feel the only way that could make me happy. That was a great day

I am not sure if I would have completely healed from such a loss that a forcefully shut down love can be for a person. I think that you could have chosen a really rocky path there. We always have a handle on our actions, but that really isn't easy and hardly managable sometimes when the emotions are too strong.

You said that you talked about a 3way with her to get her to consider the idea. I think that this maybe was a bit counterproductive. The polyamorous stuff is about you, not her. Don't lump her in, trying to get her on board like that can backfire. Because the explicit thing you talked about was just sex and exploration of new sexual encounters, not the pursuit of new relationships. I am not quite sure where your focus lies, maybe she was confused as well. Are you looking for relationships with multiple people or for recreational sexual encounters? Have you had the chance to talk about the girl you fell in love with (that one you had to cut out of your life) in depth after/while it happened? Maybe you shouldn't write the possibility off right away and can try to explain yourself a bit firstly.

Seeking counseling for asking random girls for their picture is a bit much maybe. I also regard the secretive nature of this attempt as more worrisome than the thing itself. Have you been able to explain what was so faszinating about it?

Maybe figuring out what it is you need and how you would like to pursue it and then taking your time to talk to your girlfriend about all this stuff would be a great way to start off. And a great possibility to get even closer to her.
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Last edited by Phy; 01-06-2012 at 08:49 AM.
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Old 01-06-2012, 12:55 PM
TheMouseRan TheMouseRan is offline
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Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. It means a lot to me, especially right now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
You said that you talked about a 3way with her to get her to consider the idea. I think that this maybe was a bit counterproductive. The polyamorous stuff is about you, not her. Don't lump her in, trying to get her on board like that can backfire. Because the explicit thing you talked about was just sex and exploration of new sexual encounters, not the pursuit of new relationships. I am not quite sure where your focus lies, maybe she was confused as well. Are you looking for relationships with multiple people or for recreational sexual encounters?
I've had poly relationships in the past and they've made me happy. In fact most of my relationships have been this way, though I didn't have a name for it at the time. Not that I wouldn't be open to exploring my sexuality.

You're right though, I think my approach did more harm than anything. I just wanted to open up with something we could do together ><;

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
Have you had the chance to talk about the girl you fell in love with (that one you had to cut out of your life) in depth after/while it happened? Maybe you shouldn't write the possibility off right away and can try to explain yourself a bit firstly.
The situation with the other girl (Megan) is complicated. It started when my girlfriend read about my interest in my Journal... Some times afterward when I started to develop a friendship with her I was reluctant to tell my SO. Stupid, I know. I remember quiet vividly getting coffee with her and having my SO call and ask what I was doing. There was a heavy pause before responding... she was not happy about that (it was indicative of my desire to conceal which was indicative of how I felt about Megan). When I saw her I admitted that I was falling for her, and I made the choice to abruptly shun Megan in order to not loose my SO.

So you're certainly right about to not being open and forward, I consider it to be my core wrong doing. I do try and be open, but it's hard sometimes. When these situations arise it seems that the response is cease and desist or the relationship will end. It's hard to confront that.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
Seeking counseling for asking random girls for their picture is a bit much maybe. I also regard the secretive nature of this attempt as more worrisome than the thing itself. Have you been able to explain what was so faszinating about it?
Now I'm more seeking support for dealing with the way that I feel in a strictly Mono relationship. I love my SO deeply, we're perfectly compatible in literally every other way, so it's certainly worth my utmost effort. Though I think I do need help managing my thoughts, drives, etc. For one thing it's apparent that I need to be more transparent more immediately.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
Maybe figuring out what it is you need and how you would like to pursue it and then taking your time to talk to your girlfriend about all this stuff would be a great way to start off. And a great possibility to get even closer to her.
She's made it absolutely clear that anything other than Monogamy, for either of us, will do nothing but hurt her. The very thought that I am Poly in our monogamous relationship is hurtful to her. Though when we get through this together I hope it will bring us closer.
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