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  #11  
Old 01-06-2012, 05:54 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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When I choose love, I can't just choose for me, I choose it for all!

I know what y'all are talking about now with the rollercoaster shit. I really need to get some discipline into my thought process.

So, he was pissed cause I was pissed and he let himself sit around for five days and be depressed. He called me today, just like nothing was ever wrong. I had let him know his bank was calling here, and he was telling me all about the resolution of that (and that's what all the account deleting was about). I said, 'so you wanna come over and see me tonight?' 'uh, yah, i could do that' And that was at work. So then I was all twisted up new ways.

So he came over and I said 'are you angry with me?' and he said 'yup' And then we had a lovely conversation, and some dinner, and more lovely conversation. I can't recall when I have ever been so angry and felt so much love for someone at the same time. It was epically awesome.

Then he went home. I had been a fraidy cat and not talked to him about my weekend. So, I got on my comfy fleece, called him, and asked to come over because I wanted to talk a little more.

'So, remember when we had that conversation about me snogging on first bf?'
*confused look* 'um, yah'
'Well, if I were to actually do that, do you want to know, or would you prefer a DADT policy?'
(like if I could draw me with little exploding happy hearts, that's what would be here)
'either way works for me. I'm thinking first bf probably would rather DADT'
We both know him well.

His face was so warm and so open and we were sitting on the couch, alternating snuggling or sitting more apart, and always touching (it's kinda what we do).

So, I had already told him about the first part of the weekend, and had just left out 'and after that, I'm going to visit him' and he's totally fine with that.

I brought up this forum and how wonderful it's been for me. and told some stories. I told him I had mentioned that both of them want less sex than any man I've ever known, and he laughed and talked about why he thinks that's so.

As I was leaving, I mentioned the discussion about whether or not bisexuality leads to poly, and the gamers too. He said, 'co-op is fine; but we prefer multi-player.' I roared.

And I'm off! I'm doing laundry and dishes and packing like a madwoman.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #12  
Old 01-12-2012, 07:45 AM
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I remain completely obsessed with this forum. Srsly, ppl, I'm losing sleep.

I want to write and talk myself out of it by saying I have nothing interesting to say. I also fear the day my men may show up here to read these things. I think I need to add a wee bit of radical honesty into my radical self-love.

I had an absolutely fantastic weekend. Started with a session with my teacher. She had my file and pointed out that my first session was 10 years ago. I got to see her in person, and we had lunch first (a completely amazing salad, with blood orange vinegar being the ingredient I've never seen before). She yelled at me for being in relationship with two people not loving me full-out. She's known me longer than both of them have. AND she loves me completely and knows I'm doing what I'm doing.

Then a big family dinner. I was able to share with most of them my newfound love for both my men. Not at the dinner table (public restaurant) but privately, with most of them. I thanked them profusely for being the sort of people I felt comfortable to share this with. My step-dad's girlfriend is a true southern woman, she made extra effort to say something positive to me in the car on the way home. So sweet.

Then on to First bf's apartment. Got a big hug and a little kiss as I arrived, and he said 'how's me girl then?' With his arms wrapped around me, I assured him, 'better now!' I confessed to being afraid that it had been the vodka talking before.

He keeps much later hours than most of the world, and I was soooooooooo tired. He finally allowed as how we should turn in, and then proceeded to keep me awake for quite a while. Sunday we watched football and lazed around. Monday morning, I could tell he was done, but the sun was shining and I very much wanted to be out. So, I cheerfully packed up and got on the road. I pointed out I could tell he'd had enough. I think I said, 'I can tell you're done with me.' and he had the decency to look mildly distressed. 'FOR NOW. There's more. You know where I live. I can come back.'

Just too adorable all over.

I was so overcome with love for the whole freaking world on my way home. Especially Current bf for giving me this.

I'm trying not to think about the fact that they haven't talked to each other since before this all started. At least, I think they haven't. How would I know? I did mention to First bf that I am a little freaked out about the first time we're all together again. (just like I was when I had broken up with him and started dating Current bf. ~ it was fine, but I'm anxious just the same)

Regarding the DADT policy ~ I'm beginning to think that Current bf may prefer it also. I mentioned First bf a few times tonight and he discussed what was at hand, but seemed careful not to ask about the weekend.

Had a very sweet dinner date with Current bf tonight.

I am a much happier camper than I was three months ago.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #13  
Old 01-13-2012, 06:51 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
I remain completely obsessed with this forum. Srsly, ppl, I'm losing sleep.
Ditto. TGIB commented on me being "addicted".

Quote:
I want to write and talk myself out of it by saying I have nothing interesting to say.
While I totally understand the feeling, I'm gonna have to respectfully disagree. No one else in the entire world has YOUR unique perspective. Put it out there, if that's what you want to do. I've seen other people here connect with what you write and I bet there are others reading without posting who are also connecting with your story.

Quote:
I am a much happier camper than I was three months ago.
Huzzah!
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Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack

Last edited by ThatGirlInGray; 01-13-2012 at 06:52 AM. Reason: Because I always realize I forgot to say something.
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  #14  
Old 01-13-2012, 07:40 AM
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Thanks Gray (I saw someone called you TGIG, I like that).

I told another girlfriend tonight. Her hubs is out of town, and she had to be very brave and do something very emotional tonight, so Current bf and I went to 'hold her hand.' Then we got her some fro-yo and thai food (I never have to be asked twice for thai food). Back at her place, he went upstairs and I said 'we need to have a girl lunch sometime' 'WHAT?!?' It took three whats, but I finally whispered 'I have two boyfriends' 'Really?' So that was kinda fun. Then I told her who the other guy was and she was totally unsurprised. Looking very much forward to girl-lunch.

I've told my chiropractor, one of my staff (who is also my friend ~ I was a peer before I was a manager, and I know she's very open to alternative many-things), three of my parents (all I have left), two cousins...hmmm, it seemed like more than that, oh yah, my massage therapist and my teacher. And I did tell one work friend (peer) today about my new (First bf) but I neglected to tell her I'm still seeing Current bf. Looking forward to lunch with her too.

I'm happy that I have the sort of life that's full of people I'm okay with sharing this with. I'm happy that they're quality and even if it's shocking to them, they'll handle it and not try to make me feel badly.

I developed a distaste for being closeted when I lived mostly as a lesbian. I am excessively lazy and it's very easy to pass, especially when one is bisexual. So, in my twenties, I was mostly in lesbian community. I didn't feel the need to lie; but neither did I shout my proclivities. (mama always said, 'I don't care what folks do, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.')

When I first started 'hanging' in gay community, it was part of a political campaign (back in '78, in California, it was 'No On 6' ~ it would have banned queerfolk from working in California schools). Everyone I met assumed I was gay, and that was a very odd experience. Not entirely unpleasant, but odd. I thought I could like girls, and had had crushes, but zero experience. But in getting to know folks, everyone told their coming out stories. I took to heart all the horror stories of parents reacting badly. I knew my parents very well, and I certainly knew them well enough to be pretty sure they wouldn't care. But I worked it all up in my head and it was very difficult to tell them. My dad & step-mom spent about half an hour trying to find gentle ways to say 'so what?' Can't remember what my mom said, so it couldn't have been overly traumatic. I do remember her once saying to me, 'you can't meet a nice man in a gay bar' My reply? 'I don't go to gay bars to meet nice *men* mom.' *duh* <- I may have said that out loud too. I also remember, vividly, going to the gay parade with my first girlfriend, and how stunning it was to hold her hand in public and kiss her in the sunshine. So much so that it still feels like an exceedingly special and wonderful treat to kiss anyone in the sunshine.

Those things contributed to my distaste for 'passing' with the norm. Oh, also my invisible disability. I get to balance that with laziness. I come out with lots of people to tell and be 'out' with; and some people with whom I don't feel I can.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #15  
Old 01-13-2012, 07:46 AM
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In other news, First bf is still away being introverted. Or at least that's what I'm calling it, and working hard to not hallucinate that it was just six years of longing and now that we've investigated that, there's nothing left.

Human beings are endlessly different and challenging and interesting.

By away, I mean like John Gray talks about men going into caves. He spent all available energy for extraversion (with me, go me, last weekend) and is now in his cave regaining the desire/ability to be fully engaged with the world. He so much prefers not being engaged with the world.

And since that story makes me happy, I am telling myself that, until I hear otherwise. If there's otherwise to hear, I'll hear it soon enough, no need to worry about possibilities, when there are possibilities to consider that make me happy!
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #16  
Old 01-19-2012, 07:23 AM
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I've been working at loving myself.

Monday was a holiday, and I spent a little too much time alone through the weekend. I am an extrovert, but I am also highly sensitive to overstimulation, so my ideal balance of human interaction is an extremely tricky line for me to walk. Too much time alone and I get a little nutsy. I went and had lunch with Current bf on Monday, as he was at work.

Monday night (technically Tuesday morning, 2am) I had a very weird asthma attack. Mild asthma, but asthma and it's so new to me and had me pretty freaked out. Called Current bf to ask his opinion if I needed the emergency room or not. He used to be an EMT (ambulance person/medic). He asked the right questions, and assured me I was fine, I should go to bed. I had some Breathe Easy herbal tea and that helped the spasms to stop. I didn't want to use the inhaler because it gives me jitters and I'd never sleep. To love myself, I emailed boss (at 2am) and said what was happening and that I would be late to work as a result. Turned out boss was sick also and never did come in on Tuesday. (I got in just before lunch!) Current bf didn't even remember the phone call!

Got home from work Tuesday, and the towel I use to keep drafts from under the front door was soaking wet! Water heater had a slow leak. It had exploded a little a few days before. I didn't realize it because it was still functioning. The carpet was wet all along one wall. Called the after-hours line and one of our nicest maintenance guys came right over and fixed it. He said they'd get the carpet people to come over and do their magick today (which it seems they did).

I had a crappy old box that housed my stuffed animals from childhood (and some blankets and stuff). It's ridiculous that I had that stuff, but I did and it's a longer story than I can type. I sat down to whine at my facebook friends, and my computer seized. I lost it. Called Current bf and asked if he'd come over and 'help.' He didn't even ask why. He told me today he could hear that I was starting to cry. He came right over. He made me laugh and hugged me and kissed me. I just needed a witness to explain to about my old friends before I got rid of them. It just doesn't feel right to put my old bear in the garbage, you know? There were some other things I could toss. The box and I have been through the water trauma before.

I was really happy that I was willing to ask him for help, more happy that he was willing to help. I was so pleased that I was ready to let go of so much of that stuff. I also realized that could be a contributing factor to the asthma was the water in the living room.


Today, Current bf brought me lunch, which was sweet and fun. Then, I went to a social dinner. It's a group I'm in (it's where I met First bf)(same event, entirely different group of folks), they do a dinner once a month. I so rarely go, either because I'm exhausted, or it's too far, or I forget, or I'm actually committed to a different thing. So, I had no reason not to, and I went tonight. There were new folks and folks from the last one I went to, and even someone who remembered me from a million years ago. And it was fabulous food! (thai beef salad).

I'm exhausted and proud of myself.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #17  
Old 01-20-2012, 06:01 AM
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Got my hair cut today (well, all of them, akshully). Came out to my hairdresser. I love this girl. I've known her since she was four years old. She told me all these stories about poly people she knows. She's been with women for the last bunch of years, I'm not sure if she identifies as lesbian or bi. She was praising me for being open, and I thanked her for being the sort that I could tell. It was just so lovely to chat with her. At one time, her mother was my dearest friend. I didn't exactly end the relationship, but that woman never called me. I can't live in a one-directional relationship. I think she had judgment on me for being with an alcoholic, but I'm not certain. I've seen her once or twice, while I'm getting a haircut, and we're friendly. I get sad about the people who are no longer in my life for whatever reason.

I feel like maybe I have to apologize to a woman I put out of my life because she was cheating with a married man. She had previously been with married men, and said she'd never do it unless his wife knew about it. I didn't like it, but I figured to each his own and if the wife knows it's none of MY business. But then she told me about one whose wife did not know, and I ended our friendship. I said to her 'if you'd do that with him, why would I ever introduce you to one of my boyfriends?' She didn't get it. She also tried to tell me that by doing that she figured out how awful it was and wasn't planning on doing it again. To me, that made her even more dangerous as a friend. If you don't have the ability to reason out the rules that are in place for a purpose, if you have to break every rule to find out if it's a good rule or not, then you're a bit too dangerous for my life, thanks.
but somehow, I feel like since I've entered this poly-ness, I should tell her and apologize. For the judgment I had, even when I didn't act on it.

Almost the entire time they were married, my dad stepped out on my mom. They both had their reasons for what they did (I hate that I know them). But it's always been a hot-button for me.
Thus my statement to my lovers: I don't share.
Quite a conflict and it's all inside my own head!

__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #18  
Old 01-20-2012, 09:55 PM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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just some thoughts from my perspective...i think it would be an amazing gift to both your friend and yourself to be able to apologize to the woman you had judgment about. so much of judgment comes from our own fears and triggers, and even if you didn't agree with what your friend was doing, we are each on our own path and have to learn our lessons in our own way. maybe hearing about where you have been on your journay will help her to understand where your judgment was coming from, and maybe she will be able to clarify what was going on for her that led her to make the decisions she did. either way, i think so much energy could be freed up in a conversation like that, where perhaps you both might be ableto take responsibility for your part in what happened in your friendship.

i had a really close friend who totally dumped our friendship after i started seeing sam last summer and alex and i opened up our relationship. granted, alex and i weren't open when i first hooked up with sam, and me telling alex what happened is what led us to open up. not the ideal way to journey into poly, but that's what had to happen for me to finally own my desire. i was so bottled up and shut down that i couldn't talk about it and ended up acting out. alex and i are working it out, but my friend couldn't handle what was going on and totally dumped both of us even though she had been a really close friend. alex and i were both really hurt by this, but ultimately we know that it was because she was so triggered by it all. her own issues were coming up for her so intensely that she had to cut off our friendship. i hope that someday she might come around and decide she is ready to be friends with us again, but i realize how hard it is to apologize and be accountable and own your own stuff.

if you are able to do that with your friend, i say more power to you!! it takes a lot of courage but could be so healing for both of you.
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Old 01-21-2012, 04:52 AM
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Thanks, beginninglove, nice thoughts. I am often surprised at when I do (and also when I don't) remember that when other people are behaving strangely, it's usually because they have unknown stuff that's triggered. Could be known stuff, even.

It's been many years, and she's very far away now (another state). I am still looking at whether I need to apologize, for me. And whether I apologize or not, I would not take up the friendship again. In spite of my judgment about the married-man thing, she is a person who could not reason out that rules get made for reasons. I don't want someone in my life who has to DO everything to find out if it's good or bad (hurtful or not). A person who can't imagine possible consequences is dangerous, to my mind. And there's plenty of trouble to be had among people who can imagine the consequences.

We were very close. She knew my stance and she knew my reasons. We had talked very in-depth about all of our lives long before she started with the first married man. And we talked about it again when she took up with him. I knew the couple, and in fact, his wife was pushing them together. I was quite able to live with that, because it wasn't my business and it was all above board. When she started with a man without telling the wife, it still wasn't my business, but it was a boundary for me. I never told her she was bad or wrong, I just made clear it was unsafe for me to continue participating with her.

I have one other friend I put out of my life (for completely different reasons) and I still miss both of them. It's been hard for me to learn to stand for myself in my life. It was so hard to ask people to leave who had been so close and so good to me. But I won't tolerate abuse, nor the obvious potential for abuse. If I can see it coming, you won't get a first chance. If I don't see it coming, you won't get a second chance. Stupidity, that's a whole different story...I seem to have too much patience for that.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #20  
Old 02-07-2012, 03:01 AM
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It's been longer than I thought since I've been to post here.

I am still feeling ups and downs, but not quite so severe. First bf hadn't contacted me in any way at all for two days, and I thought, oh he's just being internal again. But I saw him interacting at social networks, so then I started to wonder if it was personal. I finally sent an email that only said, 'are you mad at me?' Which I just hate, but there I went. He replied 'not at all' and added a bit of conversation. When I replied, I included 'I wondered ,because I'd asked things in previous email, and it's not like you not to answer.' Reconnection and conversation flowed from there.

I went out into meatspace (I love that term)(can't remember where I heard it first ~ here?) and met real, live, poly people! It was fun! It was my local meet. The coffeehouse was a place I used to go regularly when I worked next door to it. I was amazed at how many there were.

Current bf also went, he arrived after I did and left sooner; but I thought it was SO sweet of him to go. He ran into a guy he used to work with there! Apparently, there are (or were) quite a few poly people there. Gamers/geeks/engineers, go figure. Someone was hitting on me, ever so politely; and I found that very cheerful. There was a baby; I didn't get to hold it, but I got to makes lots of faces in return for smiles.

Game day was much fun. Current bf and I shopped and made and ate much junk food. Unfortunately, I think I also started with postnasal drip and should've stayed in bed today. So dumb, I went to work. Boss was more sick than I (he was spending quantity time in the restroom), so he won in the going home department.

And I'm putting my tired old self to bed at 7pm.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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