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  #11  
Old 01-05-2012, 05:53 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hey, I'm sorry you're hurting.

I see posting here as very similar to writing in a diary. We're all anonymous strangers... we can provide some guidance and feedback, but in the end posters are generally just trying to get their thoughts and feelings together. Would you have been upset if she had written about difficult feelings in her diary without telling you? If not, why be upset about this? You will never meet us, we may as well be chatbots programmed to respond to keywords with stock phrases like "stay flexible in your expectations" and "reconsider your one penis policy."

You say you're angry that you had to read about this here, and upset that she wonders what you and your husband talk about when she's not around. My take on that is that the reason she didn't share that with you directly is because she knew it was irrational and unfair, so she wanted to deal with it on her own. I have all sorts of messed up and irrational fears sometimes. Seeking a safe space to release them so that I don't dump the patently sillier ones on my partners seems to me like the loving thing to do. Try to see it that way, and not as an attack. Her working on her feelings means she is actively trying to deal with her issues and become capable of a better relationship with you guys and that's good, right?

"I have tried so hard to make her comfortable throughout this whole process. I have done this at all costs to me and what I have needed." Now this is a big problem. If you're not taking care of your own needs, if you're crying out on the inside and becoming resentful, how can you expect to have strong, healthy relationships with the others in your life? I would advise you to stop stuffing down your own emotions and needs for the sake of keeping things on an even keel. Be honest even when it's hard, ask for what you need even if it will hurt someone... ask with all the consideration, respect, and caring you can, but give your loves a chance to take care of you.

I wonder, as an exercise, in a few sentences each, can you tell us what your needs are in this situation, what your vision is for the future, what makes you jealous or is hard for you (specifics), and what you want from each of your partners? Feel free to ignore this bit of course, you're not in class, but I think it could help to make things clearer.
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 01-05-2012 at 05:56 AM.
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  #12  
Old 01-05-2012, 05:59 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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I have to second dragonsky, that part confused me as well.

I have taken the challenge of a new love as well after being in a relationship with my husband 10+ years. I have to say, that obviously each relationship is unique and has it's own pace, but I wouldn't compare them or say that one will always be the more deep and important one for me. It's like degrading my feelings for my boyfriend. Love is love, why would I want to dimmish it just because it hasn't lasted as long as the other relationship has? The older relationship has naturally developed different and more things that are important to me, just because it has been around longer, but that doesn't affect the fact that I simply love them for who they are.

I know that many don't do the co-primary thing, but you have explicitly agreed to try it and saying that you can't picture her in an equal position next to you is kind of nullifying this concept right from the start, leaving her in a really awkward position to be in. Maybe some of her insecurities and problems stem from the unconscious vibe you are sending while keeping this negative attitude in mind.

My husband has expressed the need for being primary (in a primary/secondary arrangement) in terms of his coping with the thought that my 'new' love (actually some years old at that point in time, but never mind) would degrade the importance he bears to me. It didn't take him long to see how unhealthy that wish was for us and especially for me. Because he tried to dictate how I should feel, should act on my feelings and how the relationship of my boyfriend and I has to be. This highly unfair attitude was off the table after some weeks (could have been days even, he was really fast back then). The main factor that caused this uncertainty was the new situation, in which he wasn't exclusive with me any longer. Meaning for him: he had to let go of his sense of ownership of my emotions and me in general. This never meant in return that I was less committed to him. Or that my feelings for him changed in the slightest in a negative direction (the opposite was true, I loved him even more for the work he did and the deepened connection we were able to establish).

You have been in this for quite some time and I wonder, if this was a problem from the start that hasn't been addressed or if it just came up after polyfitri lost her husband and appears now as a greater threat to your relationship with your husband than before. IF some of this sounds somehow right, maybe you could talk to your husband first and try to figure out, why you aren't able to feel secure in your relationship. Because that's what it came down to, when my husband has had those problems. He was easily assured after those weeks that I love him like before and still rests assured till today that we are on a healthy way and nothing in regard to our feelings for each other has changed for the worse by me having another love in my life.

I hope you are able to find some peace of mind soon.
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  #13  
Old 01-05-2012, 07:22 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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It sounds to me like your back bending efforts were not received in the spirit in which they were given.....which has greatly lowered your personal frustration tolerance. 4 yrs does mean something to me....I hear ya. Probably pulled each other out of the muck more than a few times. I do understand the love argument the others have pointed out....I think the subtle difference is the relationship not the love. Love is a component of the relationship.
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  #14  
Old 01-05-2012, 08:08 AM
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It sounds to me like it might be time to renegotiate some boundaries based on what you've said. Maybe this should back way up and not be as serious. 7 months is NRE time, not life changing, move in, there are now two wives time. I think you might of sold her a bill of goods on that one. To me its way to fast to decide such things and not appropriate pacing of a poly dynamic. Your reaction to her blog and your claim to your husband now, is why. It becomes threatening, and emotionally overwhelming when the NRE ends and everyone finds themselves in a situation where promises were made in haste and in the glow of good times. To me its better to just enjoy NRE and wait for the rest. Wait to come down from the drunk feeling of a new relationship before talking about serious stuff.

If I were you I would say it like it seems to be and that is that this has changed to a vee, or at best an emotional triad. It doesn't seem you and her are partners. I would request and end to all moving in discussions, have him go visit her for a change so he can see how she lives (or both of you go. After all, she is suppose to move in, wouldn't you want to get to know her life more?) and back right up and do some of the hard work for a bit (like her getting her divorce and being on her own for a bit, you working on feeling a sense of your place in your marriage) before continuing further discussions on a future together.
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  #15  
Old 01-05-2012, 10:33 AM
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As the second wife in a triad going on five years it is my opinion that if you are going to maintain that your relationship is more special and important simply because you and your husband share a peice of paper and four extra years together then you are greatly misjudging and underestimating the mechinations of the human heart. Those things can be inconsequential if two people share an intense connection. I think that you are being entirely unfair and cruel to on one hand give this woman the expectation that she is to be hissother wife and on the other hand state that she has no right to expect and in fact does not deserve the bond you share with your spouse. That is just mean. If you truly believe that then don't try to tell her she is to be his wife and quit this poly business with her entirely. Its cruel and she sounds as though she is going through enough already without having to deal with this heartbreaking farce of jealousy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by countrygirl View Post
The link to her posting is : http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19612.

We have talked about these feelings in detail before, in fact, just after Christmas. I understand that we each are validated in feeling the way we feel, and I will admit to keeping things on an even keel to try not to further upset what she is currently going through.

I guess my thing is that me and my husband have spent four years building our relationship; she has only been around for seven months. I think by "putting us on even footing" that maybe she expects to be where we are emotionally, and I am sorry, but that won't ever happen. I may be wrong for saying that, but I do not know how else to put it.
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Last edited by redpepper; 01-05-2012 at 03:33 PM.
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  #16  
Old 01-05-2012, 12:01 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Quote:
I guess my thing is that me and my husband have spent four years building our relationship; she has only been around for seven months. I think by "putting us on even footing" that maybe she expects to be where we are emotionally, and I am sorry, but that won't ever happen. I may be wrong for saying that, but I do not know how else to put it.

Okay just for myself, when I read that I didn't see her saying they will NEVER be on equal footing. Only that they will not be in the same place emotionally. I am of two minds on that, personally. DH and I have been together almost 20 years, married going on 17. So yes, there is a lot of history, a lot of emotional work, and a lot of things we have gone through together, worked through together, that a new relationship just won't have. So no, not on the same emotional footing.

HOWEVER, I don't think any two relationships are on the same emotional footing. They are two different relationships. That doesn't measure how much you love someone. I love both my men equally in amount. (if you are going to try and measure) The two relationships are just different. No, I am not as 'attuned' to DC as I am DH, but that comes with time and the gap between how long I have known them each intimately is large. Can it be overcome with time? Yeah, sure. DC is learning more about me faster than DH did. Not because he's a savant, but because *I* have had time to know myself better. To be able to express myself and my needs, flaws, issues, quirks better.


So yeah. . . no need to be all confrontational. I think people read things and put their own emotional spin on it. Just as OP did with the 'wife's' post. She saw the negatives but not the positives. We read things with our own emotional baggage not with the posters.
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  #17  
Old 01-05-2012, 07:09 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I too had responded to her thread, and the truth is, That is probably one of the LEAST judgmental or blaming threads I have ever seen anybody write. She didn't want you or your husband to change, she was just owning her own feelings and trying to figure out how she could change so she could better deal them and not be hurting your or your husband with her insecurities. I know I'd be glad to have a partner like that when it came time to deal with hard emotions.

I agree with redpepper that you might want to talk about starting the discussions from scratch, and truthfully this is because you read so much into her post. She didn't say you weren't bending over backwards for her, she didn't say she didn't appreciate you or like you, and that you read all that into her neutral post, there are obviously some issues that you have to work on, and from what you say here, I'd guess it's because you aren't being honest about your wants and needs.

"I have done this at all costs to me and what I have needed. "
Well that's the problem, you can't build healthy relationships when you are doing that. So stop giving up things that are obviously important to you. I know you feel like you should give up things because it was all your idea, but you should stop that right now.

You deserve a relationship based on everybody being honest about what they really want and need. If you want to compromise and give some of that up AFTER you've been truthful about what would really be ideal for you, then it's less likely you will be resentful about what you have "given up" (And likely you'd find that your partners don't want you to give up some of the stuff that you have sacrificed for them).
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  #18  
Old 01-06-2012, 12:17 AM
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I would first like to thank all of you for your responses (and any others that might come). I will admit that when I first started reading them, I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. I wanted to defend myself, but instead I thought I would try something different. I pondered on each post all day, thinking about what each one of you have said and took it to heart.

I feel I should apologize first to my wife...I should have talked to her instead of blasting all of my feelings here for her to just happen up on (like I bitched about her doing to me). I did it partly out of anger and that was just the wrong thing to do.

I do not know that I can truly express my feelings for her and how deep they actually go. I never thought another person (except for my husband) would ever get the real me and accept me just as I am. No matter what rolls our way, we withstand it all. And no matter how moody I get, she stands there and takes it all, saying each time she understands why I do what I do.

I will also admit that some of my needs are not being met, but these are not something that I can express to anyone but my husband and wife.

Again, I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart...you gave me the brutal honesty I needed to re-evaluate this. I feel so much better now...
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  #19  
Old 01-06-2012, 12:37 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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One thing I really like about this board, is that the people here really want your relationships to work, not matter what form it takes. I can't tell you how much being here and reading advice to others has helped my marriage and my view on relationships and dealing with people in general. They will be honest and frankly sometimes it takes an outsider to help us see the forest instead of just the tree trunk we've been slamming into for the last week. Standing up for what we need, is a big part of keeping a relationship working. Our partners aren't mind readers, we have to keep them up to date and in the loop. I'm sure there are some threads out there about expressing your needs and even help in determining what they really are. Good Luck!
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  #20  
Old 01-14-2012, 11:49 PM
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StumblingAlong StumblingAlong is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by countrygirl View Post
I would first like to thank all of you for your responses (and any others that might come). I will admit that when I first started reading them, I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. I wanted to defend myself, but instead I thought I would try something different. I pondered on each post all day, thinking about what each one of you have said and took it to heart.

I feel I should apologize first to my wife...I should have talked to her instead of blasting all of my feelings here for her to just happen up on (like I bitched about her doing to me). I did it partly out of anger and that was just the wrong thing to do.

I do not know that I can truly express my feelings for her and how deep they actually go. I never thought another person (except for my husband) would ever get the real me and accept me just as I am. No matter what rolls our way, we withstand it all. And no matter how moody I get, she stands there and takes it all, saying each time she understands why I do what I do.

I will also admit that some of my needs are not being met, but these are not something that I can express to anyone but my husband and wife.

Again, I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart...you gave me the brutal honesty I needed to re-evaluate this. I feel so much better now...
Thank you, beautiful, but it is ok. I understand why you did it. I understand how you feel about it. I cannot be nor am I mad or upset with you over any of it or how you feel. I know none of this really matters now, but I wanted you to know I understand.

I hope you know I would not have posted what I did here if we had not already discussed it. I didn't feel it was keeping a secret from you since we had discussed it and I knew you would see it. If I wanted to keep it secret I would not have posted it where you could find it. You knew how I was feeling. I wanted to work on that and I wanted you to see that I was working on it and know that I loved you both enough to try to work on it.

Ahhh... Beautiful, I never wanted you to compromise yourself or give up what you needed for me. I would have dealt with it. We, you and I, talked about this several times over the last few months. I have always said that you have been so focused on our needs and giving to us that you were neglecting your own. I never wanted that.

I may be over stepping boundaries here and if I am then I apologize. countrygirl, her husband and I have separated very recently, just to clarify that, countrygirl and her husband are still together. I am just not with them and they are no longer with me. It was not over this, but due to other matters entirely. I greatly admire them for the courage it took to end our relationship. I know it was not easy for them and I know that they, like myself, are hurting right now.

I admire countrygirl for the work she put into our relaitonship and for the personal growth she had during that time. It was not easy for her, but she dealt with it the only way she knows how, head on. She never backed down from anything.

Our relationship is and was the triad dreams are made of. We had what most search for their entire lives. I am blessed to have experienced it. I am blessed to have seen the love between countrygirl and her husband. Their love is the love you hear of in fairy tales that is almost never found in real life. I am blessed to have been loved just as deeply by them both. The love I felt for them and from them has set the benchmark for any and all future relationships I may have.

Our relationship was always based on a very deep strong friendship with a connection none of us can explain. That friendship still stands and will always stand. I have a feeling we will always need each other to draw strength and understanding from. We get each other when no one else does.

We have always said that together we can get through anything. Guess what, It's true. Together we CAN get through anything. Even this.
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