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  #11  
Old 01-04-2012, 07:21 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hey, I 've heard a wife beater say the exact same thing ...got caught up in the heat of the moment....I said well we're having a heated conversation or moment right now feel like swinging on me, or rather what do I need to say to set you off. ....Nothing ..right, because you'll end up in the hospital. He made a decision. And then followed it up with another good decision.

Last edited by dingedheart; 01-04-2012 at 07:24 PM.
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  #12  
Old 01-04-2012, 07:29 PM
arondela arondela is offline
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Yes, you are totally correct about that assessment. It's something he's just going to have to work on, which we talked about a lot yesterday.

The party stress was from the mix of 2 totally vanilla people in a room full of kinky people, and wanting to make sure they felt like they fit in and had a good time. They know I'm kinky/poly, but they are new to that circle of friends.

And no, I don't know if they realized or saw. I was speaking more hypothetically.

The going back to bed thing, he says was because he knew I wanted to keep up appearances. Which was very true, at the time, I just couldn't make myself go in and sleep there. In the morning I told her and a friend who stayed the night that I was up all night with a bad hangover. I don't like going through emotional things in front of others, even close friends. Probably weird, but I've always been that way.
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  #13  
Old 01-05-2012, 12:04 AM
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I agree with NYCindie and Derby; ew and what the fuck?! Alcohol might of been involved but I would be so angry on so many levels! Angry at her, at him, at my friends. I would be doing some major assessment on who I spend my time with. None of what you say went down would be okay with me. There is a time and place for everything and no one did right by you the whole way through. Totally inappropriate behaviour for the situation.

Lesson learned for the bf, the rest could go to hell I think. I would be giving them a piece of my mind when I calm down. No wonder you're struggling. To me the way you are emotionally responding in this situaion is right on the money in terms of what is okay. It isnt anything to do with you and what is going on for you that concerns me, its everyone elses behaviour that is the issue. What they did caused this in you as they didn't empathize/consider you at all and now you are left with the burden of some how saving face and making it right. Total bullshit, they all owe you a big apology. They are the ones that should be taking this on, not you.
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Last edited by redpepper; 01-05-2012 at 12:09 AM.
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  #14  
Old 01-05-2012, 04:38 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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RP, you might want to reread derby's post. She caulked it up to him being caught up in the moment....shit happens, bad luck, forgive and forget. This moment happened what 4-6 ft away from the sister and her husband ..2 sets of eyes 2 sets of hears. So close he could have been in a conversation with her or them or had eye contact with her the entire time to add to the thrill. Or tried to involve the fingeree in that same conversation with the sister and BIL...to really push her fantasy to the limit.

"The caught up in the moment" defense to me is as offensive as the disrespectful act itself. Its in effect calling you stupid... telling you a story as if you weren't there...didn't see the proximity of everyone ...don't know the layout of the room. Its spin ...and bullshit trust me I know guys like this.
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  #15  
Old 01-05-2012, 04:53 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
RP, you might want to reread derby's post. She caulked it up to him being caught up in the moment....shit happens, bad luck, forgive and forget. This moment happened what 4-6 ft away from the sister and her husband ..2 sets of eyes 2 sets of hears. So close he could have been in a conversation with her or them or had eye contact with her the entire time to add to the thrill. Or tried to involve the fingeree in that same conversation with the sister and BIL...to really push her fantasy to the limit.

"The caught up in the moment" defense to me is as offensive as the disrespectful act itself. Its in effect calling you stupid... telling you a story as if you weren't there...didn't see the proximity of everyone ...don't know the layout of the room. Its spin ...and bullshit trust me I know guys like this.
I think you may have misunderstood me. I wasn't saying that it was ok that he had done what he had done on the couch with K but rather that when fuelled by alcohol and when your inhibitions are down sometimes you do dumb shit. It was the aftermath that I thought was really disrespectful.

And yes when you're drunk sometimes you really aren't aware of what's going on around you or who else is there. Been there done that unfortunately. But once I found out that my actions had caused waves I was incredibly remorseful and looking to make amends (and therein lies the difference).
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  #16  
Old 01-05-2012, 06:15 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I got it ...you never said ok you said people make mistakes they get caught up in the moment. It seemed to minimize

To add perspective ....and this is not something I'm proud of but I did more than my share of hard drinking. I worked in an industry in which entertaining clients was like a second job. The weapon of choice alcohol. Bottom line I now have a hyper active liver. So I'm not coming at this as some teetotaler.

Drunk enough to think that was a good idea. Not drunk enough to remember her profile comments or fantasy. Drunk enough to put his hands /fingers down there. Not so drunk as to try to conceal it(blanket). Drunk enough to get her good and ready .....not drunk enough that once started he got caught in this now secondary moment and jumped on top of her or drop down and give her head. ....Sober enough to pace his touch or read her reaction to deliver the orgasm after they left. And all of the same could be applied to her as well. Seems to me if they were both super drunk at some point in this they wouldn't have cared who was around them or even noticed. AND for his second offense he wasn't still drunk? Now his drunkenness doesn't get a pass. Apparently you haven't had many conversations with drunks. If he had been a weepy emotional drunk such a talk would have had him crying in a ball on the floor with her til morning. He's either not that type of drunk or he wasn't that drunk by that time. He chose to go finish what he started.... thinking with little Elvis... real simple. Too drunk that Little Elvis didn't work? or not so drunk ?

That's just how my formerly blood shots eyes see it. By the way during that time period I use to shower 3-4 mornings a week with glacier glasses on.
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  #17  
Old 01-05-2012, 06:25 PM
arondela arondela is offline
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To update a bit...I reached out to K, and she is pretty horrified/mortified by the situation. I should have done this earlier, instead of trying to leave her out of it. (Lesson learned there.) I had said some things earlier in the night that made her think I had lost interest in playing, so she assumed what he was doing was ok and I just didn't want to be part of it. We're talking it out and I feel better, and I still want to pursue at least friendship before she leaves.

What he did was still a major mistake on his part, and really stupid and selfish. Nothing changes that. The critical thing is it was out of character behavior (selfish/thoughtless), part of what made it so surprising and hurt so much I think. I'm still having twinges of anger, but they have largely subsided from all of the talking. He is very remorseful, he feels terrible about it and was ready to never see her again if that's what I wanted.

(Also, to clarify dingedheart's post above, there was no sex or sexual touching after he went to bed. She snuggled up to him, and that was all.)

Last edited by arondela; 01-05-2012 at 07:04 PM.
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  #18  
Old 01-05-2012, 09:29 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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the irony... the perfect time to let it rip and too tired or upset ...or drunk. A Drunk dinged would've tried something that I know.

Glad he's remorseful and trying to make it up to you. Good luck to you both ..or all three.
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  #19  
Old 01-05-2012, 09:53 PM
arondela arondela is offline
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Thanks to everyone who commented. I'm an external thinker, so it definitely helps to hear others' input on the situation, as well as knowing I wasn't out there in reacting the way I did.
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  #20  
Old 01-06-2012, 12:26 AM
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I agree that I think we all know more than we say we do when drunk and in a situation where we could say no or yes at the drop of a hat. The thing is that sometime alcohol gets us on a track that we realize is not right some how. Yet we can't figure out how, can't figure out how to get out of it so give up and keep on track even though we know that something isn't right. At least that is how I have experienced it.

I have been working super hard on that the last couple of years actually. I used to just say "fuck it" and do whatever anyway. Mostly putting myself in positions where I was used and disrespected yet everyone thought I was into what I was doing. It takes training, I think, to find ways to walk away from situations when we are drunk. Some of us aren't used to acknowledging sticky situations or know to train ourselves to walk away/say something. At least that is what I have noticed. I have noticed that having really clear boundaries helps. Although sometimes they aren't as clear as thought until something comes up. That doesn't make it okay, but it does give some indication of what needs to be worked on in the future.

For me its meant not getting that drunk with people I don't know the reputation of. I would never get that drunk in a group of BDSMers for instance, or with some sex positive groups. I know myself in the SOBER realm of these populations, and can think rationally. Drunk? Ya, I'm a crazy slut that does just about anything anyone suggests and even suggests stuff I wouldn't normally... The next day I am full of regret and for years after with some situations. Just not worth it.
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