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Old 12-31-2011, 08:53 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Mintcar, have you had a look at some of the other threads here on secondaries? You will find quite a few if you go to the search engine on the toolbar and press tags. There are a number of threads tagged "secondary" "secondaries" "hierarchy" "primary/secondary" and many others. Have a look, maybe someone's story or thoughts will give you an idea on what you can do to improve your situation.
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Old 12-31-2011, 06:11 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
NR, is this a vee you describe? You say you have been "involved with them," but that the romantic relationship is with him. That would mean a vee, but perhaps an emotional triad.
Thanks, redpepper I was going to comment, as I was reading the definitions thread, I was uncomfortable with the distinction in vee and triad.

I think that describes it exactly, it's a vee as an emotional triad. They love each other very much. I always want to have sex with people I love and it's a mystery to me, their loving friendship without wanting sex. (even though I'm perfectly capable of the intellectual understanding that LOTS of people don't want to have sex with their good friends)

First bf, I was deeply in love and involved with for three years (in a traditional, serial monogamy kind of way). When I broke up with him, I was still just good friends with current bf, until one day my ovaries lit up and we fell deeply in love as well. I credit current bf with re-uniting our triad friendship (I was pretty mad at first bf). Here we are at six year later. So we've been an emotional triad for about 8 years.

It is, to ME, now completely romantic with both of them.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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Old 01-05-2012, 04:52 PM
peabean peabean is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 57

I'm sorry you are being treated this way. I'm in a triad with my husband and my girlfriend. We are not a vee, but a triangle. I think that is the key to how our relationship works. Given that he and I have been married for 10 years and she has been with us for a year it can be a struggle to make sure she is always included, but it gets easier all the time.

The relationship I have with her is great. One thing is that she dated only women before us, so she comes at this without the expectations of 'looking to the man' to be the head of the relationship. We make decisions all together. This sometimes means a decision takes longer to make, or that there are a million texts to answer, but that is fine.

As for the children thing, I think that in any long term relationship people have to agree on whether to have children or not. If one person wants them and the other doesn't, its a set up for a lifetime of resentment and anguish. If you want children and he doesn't, is that something you're willing to compromise?

My girlfriend would like to have children. We already have one child and would like more so we are discussing how to move forward. I would like to have a child with her, and also bear more children myself. Even contemplating this has kept the three of us late into the night discussing things. Having children in a poly relationship seems incredibly daunting! Especially in a FFM triad, where the woman giving birth is not the legal spouse. That said, I totally think it can be done.
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Old 01-05-2012, 06:07 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by Mintcar View Post
Yes I was told I would be a primary. An equal wife. When I explain how I feel I am told that I am too needy and that I am just jealous and crazy. I am constantly reminded of how much she does and how I should be more like her. Her and I are friends but opposites. I would say he and I have more passion for eachother but he def respects her more and she is the bottom line. He had kids with her btw. I want kids so badly but he says no more which I feel really messes up the ultimate power play in the dynamic. Oh and thank u so much everyone I appreciate it so much. I finally feel not alone!
Cutting the discussion off at "you're crazy" is an incredibly uncool and hurtful response. The fact that he doesn't see that is troubling and would be whether you were poly or not. Maybe couple's counseling?

Why couldn't you have kids with someone else? Does this have to be a closed triad? Why should he have two partners and you and her only one (since it sounds like you and she are friends but not partners per se)?
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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