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  #21  
Old 11-12-2009, 07:22 PM
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lol
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  #22  
Old 11-12-2009, 11:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
bookworm, I'm curious to know what specifically changed within your relationships when you changed who was primary/secondary?

Amount of time spent together? How much/whether or not you say I love you? Living arrangements? Talk of children? ??
Me, too, curious. How does it work? How can you tell who's primary and who's secondary? I can understand if you live with someone, it's probably pretty clear, but if you don't.... How do people define this?

I don't live with anyone, so I think my definition of primary has to do with the level of attachment, trust, disclosure, etc. but I'm not sure I could just choose to put someone at one level or another.
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  #23  
Old 11-13-2009, 12:35 AM
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Hey sunnydee. I think, though this is all still formulating for me, that I'm the same. The amount of attachment definitely has a lot to do with it.

I am lovers with a woman, 'D', that I love very much, but I'm not in love with. I respect her, I love seeing her, we have fun, and she's dynamo in the sack but I know that her love is with her gf. I don't miss her the way I miss someone I'm in love with. I don't feel all gushy about spending my life with her, etc.

Trust and disclosure for me are pretty much across the board. There's not much that 'D' doesn't know about me. I trust her on many levels. I feel safe crying in front of her, being open to whatever it is she needs to express/do/be.

I guess the difference between primary and secondary is how much I'm willing to change my life around in order to be with that person. Hmm, gotta think about that one...
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  #24  
Old 11-13-2009, 12:46 AM
sunnydee sunnydee is offline
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Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
I am lovers with a woman, 'D', that I love very much, but I'm not <i>in</i> love with.

This is so interesting that you say it like that. I feel a little old-fashioned/monogacentric using such phrases, but I feel exactly that way, too. And, of course, there's no really good definition for being "in love" either, but we know what it feels like, right? And we know it's different?

I'm in a LDR right now where I'm sure that, if anyone is, he's my primary attachment, the only person I would say I'm in love with, the one relationship I'd be awfully depressed about if it ended. I think he would probably say he doesn't have a primary right now, rather he says there's someone he's "closest" to, someone living in the same time zone. :P We haven't defined anything because we only met physically once months ago, but now he's finally coming to visit and we are going to "see where it goes." In these few months and long distance, I've been fine with feeling he's my primary connection while dating freely here at home and knowing I'm not his. Not so sure that would work for me, though, in the same city. Who knows? Shrug.
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  #25  
Old 11-13-2009, 12:56 AM
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Huh, it's all so open, eh? I mean, I just defined primary as how much I'll change my life around to be with someone, but that doesn't include LDR, because if it's long-distance, then one of the things the two people aren't changing is their location. Rearraging schedules to talk to each other on the phone is a way to accommodate each other so...

So good that you feel good about the way things are with him, ie: him being your primary, while dating freely and knowing you're not "his".

I'm not sure I understand how feeling monogacentric relates to loving someone but not being in love?

roly
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  #26  
Old 11-13-2009, 12:58 AM
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Huh, it's all so open, eh? I mean, I just defined primary as how much I'll change my life around to be with someone, but that doesn't include LDR, because if it's long-distance, then one of the things the two people aren't changing is their location. Rearraging schedules to talk to each other on the phone is a way to accommodate each other so...

So good that you feel good about the way things are with him, ie: him being your primary, while dating freely and knowing you're not "his".

I'm not sure I understand how feeling monogacentric relates to loving someone but not being in love?

roly
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  #27  
Old 11-13-2009, 01:09 AM
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I think that is a good definition of primary. I re-arrange my life to be with my primary, altho it seems like I spend more time with my secondary. I love them both, but it seems like maybe on different levels. I would be pretty devestated if I lost either of them, but probably more so my primary. There's been a few times we have almost broken up (me and O) but I just couldn't let him go.
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  #28  
Old 11-13-2009, 02:09 AM
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Aww
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  #29  
Old 11-13-2009, 02:45 AM
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Default Rearranging your life

I've definitely rearranged my life around this connection. And now that we are both coming up on vacation time, we will be changing locations, too, at least for that time period. It's more to do with where I feel my emotional center is, though, or my level of attachment or whatever we want to call it. It's especially easy to see since I have other relationships to compare it to. I've dated a lot since LDR and I met (he's absolutely the reason I am now identifying as poly) and I really haven't become very attached beyond fond friendship to anyone else so far and, even though it maybe hasn't been the "smart" thing to do, I know it's because I'm keeping my life open to see what happens with LDR when we meet again.

I think I better leave the monogacentric language discussion for another thread so I don't hijack this one. :P Because, originally, we were asking bookworm how those relationships work.
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  #30  
Old 11-13-2009, 03:16 AM
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sunnydee, it might take a while before you attach beyond friendship with someone else. It was a major adjustment for me when I first came out as poly and had permission to explore other relationships.

Quote:
where I feel my emotional center is
I like the way you phrase this. One of the things I've been exploring lately is how to have a primary partner without shifting my core strength from "me" to "us". Hmm, how do I explain this? Staying centered and grounded in my life while also accommodating the needs and emotions of another person. It's freakin' hard!
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