Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-05-2012, 01:36 AM
countrygirl countrygirl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 17
Angry Well, I am out of options...

Hello All. I am seeking help, advise, I don't know what, before I lose my mind. I feel no matter which way I turn, there is no way out, and I just don't know what to do anymore.

My husband and I are in a "triad" with a lady we met seven months ago. She was married at the time, and all four of us were contemplating living together with our children as one big happy family. So that I don't get off track, they are now in the middle of a divorce for a variety of reasons, least of all was my husband and I.

First of all, ours is not the "standard" triad, if there is even such a thing. My husband and I live in a different state, with our son. Our "wife" lives a state away, and only gets to visit every other week because of custody arrangements with her ex-husband. The weeks that she doesn't have her son, she most of the time comes to the home we were building together because it gives her calm and inner peace to be here. I cannot blame her for that.

We all talk frequently and we all make a very concerted effort to make sure that no one is left out of anything, which has been very difficult for me. But for the sake of making this work, I have tried.

Now, my problem. She is a frequent visitor to this site as well. She recently posted about her being jealous/envious/etc. of my time with my husband. I can understand that to a degree. We have no control of my husband's work schedule or when he gets to come home most of the time. Therefore, there are times that my husband and I get to spend time together when she cannot be here or is not here.

When we decided to start this, it was my idea. It was also my idea that we all be on equal footing, i.e., husband, wife, wife. I will admit that this whole thing was not well thought out. We all knew there would be situations and issues to over come and get through, but at this point, there seems to be no happy medium.

No matter what happens, someone's feelings get hurt, then that is followed by hours upon hours of talking. I understand what the "wife" is currently going through with the separation from her son, and I have tried so hard to make her comfortable throughout this whole process. I have done this at all costs to me and what I have needed.

I read responses to her post that says she needs affirmation before we spend time together. Others have said that she is dealing well with the situation. Another even offered advise that she feels the way she does because of societal beliefs. I can understand each of the responses posted. However, I feel really angry that I had to read it on a "blog" on a website rather than her waiting until we could all sit down and talk. I feel angry that I am made to feel like a bad person because I get to spend time with the man I am legally married to and have spent the last 4 years of our life building together. I am angry that I am made to feel like I can no longer express my love or adoration for my husband in front of her because it makes her feel bad. But I am supposed to be totally understanding when he shows her love and affection...

I know this may sound completely crazy, and I will admit I do get emotional, but I just do not know what to do anymore. We have altered our entire lives to have her in it, and it seems like it is not working. We have invested so much time, energy and money into this, how can it be a sinking ship?!?

I would appreciate any comments/help/advise. I feel like I am drowning...
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-05-2012, 01:49 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,279
Default

Have you learned anything from her postings that you didn't know?

Have you express these thoughts and feeling to her before? If not,this could a good starting point for a conversation.

It seems like you're bending over backwards ...it might be time to take care of your own needs.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-05-2012, 02:14 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,368
Default

Hi there and welcome.

First of all, keep in mind that nothing you do or say "makes her feel bad." And nothing she feels or says can "make you" feel like a bad person. Each of you are responsible for your own feelings, both of which could simply be stemming from your unique perspectives on things. And while she has every right to feel whatever her feelings are, which are valid for her, that does not necessarily mean that she is clearly seeing the truth of the situation. However, it is her truth and she needs to honor that truth in order for her to come to terms with it. But your perspective is equally as valid. And just because she feels the way she does about the relationships she has with you does not mean you have to change your behavior with your husband when she is there. Nor does anyone's feelings, of hurt or upset or anger or whatever, mean the ship is sinking!

Now, I don't know who you or what thread you're referring to, and I may have given her advice or feedback, but would you mind telling us which thread that is (give a link)? That would be helpful for everyone all around in trying to offer feedback and/or suggestions.

I will say a few things just based only on your post now.

She may have needed a place to get stuff off her chest and work things out -- so she came here. Maybe she needed to hash things out with people who understand poly before she came to you and your hubs to talk about whatever is bothering her. Perhaps she just couldn't wait because it was bothering her so much. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Sometimes we are plagued with thoughts we know do not reflect reality but we can't be rid of them without a sounding board of some sort, to be able to see them in more light, so to speak. Or perhaps it is a real problem that neither of you has been able to talk about in any way that resolves it, so she is left to stew about it.

Of course, she might have done better to share with you first, or to show you the thread to get you taking part in it. But it sounds like all the "hours upon hours of talking" is frustrating for you. You state that it's been difficult but you tried, but perhaps your frustration puts a kind of barrier up so that what she really needs to express and what you all need to resolve doesn't really get heard -- I don't know, that's just a possibility. One guess -- it sounds to me like perhaps she has not clearly voiced her needs, and you have been bending over backward to try and accommodate what you think she needs - but there's still some dissatisfaction on her part. And maybe you have not expressed what you need, in deference to her situation at home, not wanting to rock the boat with all she's going through, etc. It sounds like you have neglected yourself somewhat, to be accommodating.

Does any of that ring true for you?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Last edited by nycindie; 01-05-2012 at 02:18 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-05-2012, 03:01 AM
countrygirl countrygirl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 17
Default

The link to her posting is : http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19612.

We have talked about these feelings in detail before, in fact, just after Christmas. I understand that we each are validated in feeling the way we feel, and I will admit to keeping things on an even keel to try not to further upset what she is currently going through.

I guess my thing is that me and my husband have spent four years building our relationship; she has only been around for seven months. I think by "putting us on even footing" that maybe she expects to be where we are emotionally, and I am sorry, but that won't ever happen. I may be wrong for saying that, but I do not know how else to put it.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-05-2012, 03:06 AM
countrygirl countrygirl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 17
Default

nycindie:

thank you for your comments. a lot of what you said does ring true for me. i admit that i am not always the best as expressing what i need, mostly out of fear of being seen as uncooperative, unfeeling, and just plain selfish. but honestly, i have gotten to the point that i really don't care how i am seen because my needs are not getting met so that everyone else's can be and that is just plain not fair.

it is not so much that she made the posting; i completely understand why she did it. there are often times that we just simply do not feel we can talk to each other about things and having someone/somewhere to just put it out there is very important. i am upset that she didn't let me know i guess...and according to her "we don't keep secrets."

thanks again for the insight...
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-05-2012, 03:15 AM
countrygirl countrygirl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 17
Default

dingedheart:

thanks for the reply. to be completely honest, i did not think there was any subject that had not been broached between the three of us. i know my reaction was probably not the best to her posting, but i am human just like every one else.

the one thing that hit me the worse is that she worries about what my husband and i talk about when we are alone. first of all, i don't ask what she and the hubs talks about. i don't ask what they do when they spend time together and i am not here. i think i deserve the same respect. as stated before, my husband and i have a four year relationship backing us, and she has only been here for seven months.

i would like to think what i am feeling is normal (whatever the hell normal is), but the more this goes on, i feel like i am teetering on a very thin line about to fall...and i hate that feeling
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-05-2012, 04:14 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,368
Default

Hi countrygirl,
Okay, I read her thread, which I really hadn't before, and I have to say I think you have personalized her issues way too much and are overreacting.

In that thread, it is clear to me that PolyFiTri is not complaining nor unhappy about anything you and your husband are doing. She is not saying she wants anything to change. Nor is she saying that she wants to assert herself into any position which would set you aside in any way. She is simply wrestling with her personal demons, which we all have no matter how happy a situation we find ourselves in, and sees her relationships with you two as something wonderful, and a valuable learning experience. She clearly loves you both and feels a deep appreciation for what she has with you, and is perplexed by her own insecurities:
Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyFiTri View Post
I, fortunately, am not a secondary or thought of in that sense. Our triad, we have learned, is special in that it is as close to equilateral as one can get. We share pretty much everything, a home, child rearing, finances, etc... We make sure we have time together, as well as alone and in couples. We work and flow together much like any normal mono relationship would. We don't have set limits or boundaries. We talk about everything, and do not keep secrets. We consider each of us to be a spouse. We really do have quite a wonderful and amazing relationship. I have never loved or felt this loved by anyone. My love for them both continues to grow more each day.

I know where the feelings are coming from, but I don't understand why I'm having so much trouble working past them. Any ideas and/or advice would be much appreciated.
Even though PolyFiTri starts off that thread saying she feels jealousy, it's obvious to me that it is actually envy about the closeness you have with your husband, which makes sense since she is going through a divorce, and to say that is very tough is a huge understatement. Even though she feels close to both of you, she is grieving. I can say, based on my experience struggling with my own divorce, no one can truly know how devastating a mindfuck divorce can be until you experience it yourself. It is a loss, full of pain, grief, and conflicting emotions, and that grief is a confusing rollercoaster. In a book I have called "Crazy Time," about recovering from divorce, the author says that most mental health professionals agree that it generally takes two years for a person to process it and get past all the intensely difficult feelings divorce brings up. It shatters self-esteem and makes one question everything. For me, the first year felt like the bottom had dropped out, and I was dangling there alone, even though I had many loving people in my life. Just to give you some perspective.

I would think that you would have taken comfort in PolyFiTri's last post in that thread where she realized it was envy:
Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyFiTri View Post
After talking with dh and doing some reading, I have come to realize I'm dealing with a lot of envy here, some jealousy, a little insecurity and some anger. The anger is not directly related to or caused by either of my partners. I am feeling more envy than anything else.

Now I do feel better because I understand what I am feeling and can take steps to deal with it.
So, countrygirl, my question for you is why did you react the way you did? This was her own personal, emotional journey, not an indictment against you or your husband. Yet you felt the "ship was sinking" and you were "drowning." Why so sensitive? Here are a few more questions to get you pondering... Do you feel accused of something? Or unappreciated in some way, even if it's at work or someplace else in your life so that it's affecting you here? Do you think that her having this inner struggle reflects poorly on all the work you have done? I also wonder what made you think she wanted to usurp you in some way and that you could "no longer express my love or adoration for my husband in front of her."

I find it interesting (and alarming) that you say you wanted from the start for her to be an equal partner and yet you resent her when you thought she wanted the same emotional closeness you "built over four years" with your husband. What was it that made you feel so defensive about the first few years of your relationship with your husband? Are you unwilling to face the very real possibility that in time she could truly be an equal with the same status in your husband's heart as you (each in your own unique way)? Because after a long time together the first four years you had as a headstart with him will be a small blip. So do you really want her as an equal or not? Is equal partnership threatening to you somehow?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Last edited by nycindie; 01-05-2012 at 05:32 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-05-2012, 04:28 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 747
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by countrygirl View Post
The link to her posting is : http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19612.

We have talked about these feelings in detail before, in fact, just after Christmas. I understand that we each are validated in feeling the way we feel, and I will admit to keeping things on an even keel to try not to further upset what she is currently going through.

.
You know when I read her post, I didn't take anything she said as a criticism of you and your husband. In fact, quite the opposite. It sounds to me like she realizes her feelings of envy are unwarranted, and came to the group in order to get some insight in order to deal with them.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01-05-2012, 04:47 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by countrygirl View Post
However, I feel really angry that I had to read it on a "blog" on a website rather than her waiting until we could all sit down and talk.
I agree with other comments in that I didn't see her post as a criticism of you or your husband or your actions (I'll admit I only read the first post, not the whole thread) but I am totally with you on this part.

I am really careful to let my guys know when I post something about them, whether it's this forum or somewhere else, so it's not a surprise to them and they have an opportunity to respond.

Even if she needed to talk about it specifically before sitting down with you two, to sort out her own thoughts ahead of time, she should have let you know and maybe asked that you not read that particular thread until she had a better handle on her own emotions. (Might change my mind about that second part later. I don't know how I'd feel if I were asked the same favor but I'm hoping I'd respect their need for some time on their own without my input, even if I didn't like it. I'm very much a "Let's deal with this NOW" kind of person and both my loves are "I need time to think about this before I say anything".)
__________________
~~~~~~~~~
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 01-05-2012, 05:16 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by countrygirl View Post
The link to her posting is : http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19612.
I guess my thing is that me and my husband have spent four years building our relationship; she has only been around for seven months. I think by "putting us on even footing" that maybe she expects to be where we are emotionally, and I am sorry, but that won't ever happen. I may be wrong for saying that, but I do not know how else to put it.

Whoa here...you were the one who stated that the original idea all of you had was to be on even footing. Now you're saying that won't ever happen because you and your husband have spent four years building your relationship and she's only 7 months in. To me, that's like saying that I couldn't possibly ever love one friend as much as another because the first friend and I have known each other longer and worked on our friendship longer. Or, I couldn't possibly love my youngest child as much as my oldest child because I have known my oldest longer and therefore spent more time in a relationship with my oldest. Or, how about, I couldn't possibly love my second husband as much as I loved my first husband because I knew my first husband longer and we were married longer. BULL CRAP!!

I sense a need on your behalf to feel special. Or....perhaps it's that when you CHOSE to put aside your needs and feelings to try and accommodate her/them you're now upset because your needs and feelings haven't been met or given enough consideration to "fill you up". Guess whose problem that is??!!

Last edited by dragonflysky; 01-05-2012 at 05:24 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anger, jealousy, moving fast, moving in, moving in together, new relationship energy, nre, triad, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:30 AM.