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  #11  
Old 01-04-2012, 01:46 AM
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vanille vanille is offline
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One of the concerns he has voiced is that it hurts him that I would want to find another man when he apparently fulfills all of my needs. Okay. Okay. I know that didn't come out right. See... we started on this poly journey initially because my sex drive is not as high as his. We have sex about every other day, but it's not enough! So, the idea was to bring another woman into the relationship.

After a lot of talks though, I realized that if we were going to open the relationship up, I didn't want to be denied any feelings I might have for a guy while he can sleep with whoever he wants. Especially since I'm not even sure if I am sexually attracted to girls.

I love him and will wait with him. I understand what you are saying about whether he is stalling or working through things. I told him that. I said, "Hey.. for me... it was like standing at the top of a cliff about to go cliff diving for the first time. I wavered and was scared. But eventually.. I jumped. I feel like you aren't even going to try to jump."
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  #12  
Old 01-04-2012, 02:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oh, of course, because that's a turn-on and he's a sexist who feels your being with a woman isn't a threat (a woman isn't like real person to have a relationship with, anyway, right?).
This. I keep getting the feeling that he hopes I'll find a girl to bring into the relationship for both of us.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Do you have any money of your own (ie., from student loans)?
No and that's a problem. If I was working, I think we would both feel a lot better. We would know that I'm not here because he takes care of me. (This isn't why I'm with him, but it's at the back of both of our minds sometimes)

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yes, you were very very brave and it certainly isn't fair. Have you told him this? Doesn't he know what you went through when he was with the hookers?
Yes, we have been talking in depth about all of this.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I have struggled with that for years! You can read about how it panned out and is panning out in my blog.... this time last year (early December) was a mess! It might be a good place to start.
I will check it out!

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I can tell you are beating yourself up about it, and this is feeding into your insecurities (about your chosen profession versus his, about you not "working as hard" as you feel he does, etc.) and pissing you off because he's letting it feed into his insecurities about poly and being unfair to you.
Very very true. But I only have myself to blame and I'm the only one who can get myself out of this mess.

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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I dated my boyfriend a month (and would likely date anybody that long) before talking with my husband about getting the ball rolling on being sexual. Waiting gives us plenty of time to get to know somebody, and to discuss anything stressing us.
<snip>
Oh wait, read Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, discuss the checklists in there, etc.
I don't think he's going to be comfortable with me meeting anyone until it looks like someone is interested in him first

I will check that book out!

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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
A month isn't that long a stretch of time. You pushed yourself when you may not have really been ready, which was not necessarily advisable, and he's not obligated to do the same.
<snip>
Is he committed to following through with opening up, or is he unwilling to do the hard work, even if it takes him longer? It can be hard to tell the difference between someone who is stalling and someone who is working, but there should be signs, or hopefully he can just honestly tell you which it is?
<snip>
All that said... maybe he really can't do this. Maybe he's not cut out for poly. Not everyone is.
I am trying to keep in mind that just because I could take the leap, doesn't mean I should absolutely force him into jumping too.

Eh.. I don't think he wants to do the work right now. I've asked him ... but I just don't get the impression he wants to try. He would rather not face the hard experience. He often says that now that he's tried it, he's not even sure if he wants to try poly anymore. But at the same time, I get the feeling that if someone showed him interest, he would be much more interested in trying poly.

That last bit is true.. he may not be cut out for this.
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  #13  
Old 01-04-2012, 06:01 AM
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My husband resisted re-opening up our relationship for a couple of years, and as soon as he realized there was somebody he liked, he warmed up to the idea in the space of a few hours, so I imagine your husband might do the same.

If you are OK with waiting for somebody to show him interest before you actively attempt to date.... is he LOOKING for interest? What do you think would qualify as such for him, somebody who wanted a one night stand or somebody who wanted to date him regularly? Are you OK with him looking, or do you feel stuck thinking that's not fair, because it is your turn?

Obvious problem with that is, lets say he starts having partners, and then you are "permitted" to date men, so you try dating and realize poly isn't right for you after all, then there's a whole other can of worms to deal with. Even worse if he starts finding partners and doesn't become OK with you dating men.

Hard place for you to be in. My limited and biased experience tells me that in general, men don't want to do the work. It is hard for them, so I don't blame them, but it sure is tiring when you know it needs to be done (and should be done, whether mono or poly). I personally am trying to focus on not "needing" my partner to do work/grow as a person, because I've found stressing how important that is to me has been having negative impact instead of being helpful.

I do think it's great that your husband seems to be good at being honest and open to the "best of his abilities" so try to appreciate that if you can, even if you wish he'd be able to actively identify what is really going on in his head and heart so you could get to the bottom of it and deal with the core issues.
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  #14  
Old 01-04-2012, 07:45 PM
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vanille vanille is offline
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Here is my fear. He suddenly gets an interested girl (he is still active on dating site). They try it out. He lets me date because he's doing it. Then it doesn't work out with them and he is left alone again. I have a feeling he will take back his allowance and by then I may be attached to this other man.

I can understand him not wanting me to get serious with a guy until he has a girl to take his mind off of us. But I don't want to find myself in a situation where I have to choose between them.

I agree, I'm trying to let him be without interference on my part. I encourage him to talk to me and I try not to judge. Which can be hard since I'm still a little hurt by how things have gone down. I end up feeling guilty for wanting what we agreed to.
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  #15  
Old 01-04-2012, 08:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vanille View Post
I can understand him not wanting me to get serious with a guy until he has a girl to take his mind off of us.
Why? I actually see this as problematic. You opened up to him having sex with someone else even though you didn't have a male sex partner lined up -- why does he need to go first every step of the way? Because of his insecurities? Dating someone else won't cure those. If he's serious about giving you this he needs to do so because he's ready to be brave, *really* brave, not just armored by a distracting gf who, as you pointed out, could disappear.

Where are your needs in this? Why would it be ok for you to again be the one to suffer while he takes the new step first... after all, if he gets a gf first you won't have a bf to distract you from the difficult feelings that it will inevitably bring up unless you meet a guy the very next day after he starts dating.

Unless I'm missing something, this just seems way lopsided to me.

And as for the money stuff... seriously, coffee dates. Costs a few bucks. It's kind of troubling if even a few bucks is subject to a veto on his part. Yeah, you're living on his money, but isn't the idea of a marriage that you support each other through hard times? Or, you could always tell any potential new guy "This is a little embarrassing but I'm broke right now, so until I'm out of school if you want to go out anywhere I can't pick up the bill... that said, I'm more than happy to stay in and chat." Or, hell, walk in the park.
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  #16  
Old 01-04-2012, 08:40 PM
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Is Armani reading this thread? I think it might be good to hear from him on this topic.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #17  
Old 01-04-2012, 08:44 PM
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I hope I don't appear meek and passive... or just justifying situations that are wrong.

Maybe I'm stronger than him? I'm not sure. But isn't it the consensus to go at the person with the slowest pace? I don't NEED to date. Sure, it would be fun. But it's not like I've already met someone, fallen in love with them, but am barred by my husband. I'm not in any pain by waiting.

The only thing that bothers me is when he says he's not sure he will be able to handle it after the fact. Like ... he was trying to explain that he will feel distanced from me and may not want to stay? This is something relatively new, so I'm still confused by it. If it's the case, then this hurts me more than anything. Because what he said before the prostitute, was that he wasn't sure if he could continue our relationship if we didn't try this. I'm not sure if this was stemming from his unfulfilled sexual needs or what. But it just sounds backwards to me.

And now he says that he's not even sure if he wants us to be poly... while still maintaining a profile on OKC and responding to girls if they message.

I'm just always left being confused.
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  #18  
Old 01-04-2012, 08:45 PM
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vanille vanille is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Is Armani reading this thread? I think it might be good to hear from him on this topic.
No. And there's nothing too new here. We do talk about everything. I'm sure I didn't paint him in a beautiful light (though I tried my best to defend him).

I do love him and am willing to do what he needs.
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  #19  
Old 01-04-2012, 08:58 PM
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I get what you're saying about moving at the pace of the slower person, there are just some troubling things here. I do think he needs to come here, get some perspective, and explain what the heck is going on. It's not ok to keep threatening your relationship ("I'll leave if you can't give me this! I'll leave if you need this!") and acting in ways that make you feel unvalued (doesn't want you to be poly but is actively entertaining potential new partners). Maybe seeing it all laid out and getting the chance to explain himself will help break some of these patterns before resentment builds up that could really damage your partnership.
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  #20  
Old 01-04-2012, 09:40 PM
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What he has wanted since the beginning is a triad or V. Am I perhaps pushing it by wanting to include men as well? I mean .. boundaries are an issue right? I mean, it's okay for someone to say "Hey. I'm not cool with that" - right?
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