On Taking a Break

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by paintscribe

nycindie -
I can't completely break off contact, as that would break up 2 gaming groups, and create many more problems.

Hmm, well, I don't know what a gaming group is, nor why it is that once you belong to one, you can never leave. Did you sign a contract in blood or something? Is keeping the group together more important than your sanity and health in a relationship? What if you moved somewhere else? They would find someone to take your place. So, really, how much does it matter for you to be a part of this gaming group for them to stay together? I think your priorities are mixed up. Gaming is a hobby; relationships are integral to life and your emotional health. But if you see gaming as that important, well, do as you see fit - but it doesn't make much sense to me. I would always choose to walk away from any activity or social situation if I had to in order to nurture my own emotional well-being. And being part of a relationship where you were under one impression about how things were, only to find out that everything was radically different from what you had thought, does not seem healthy to me.

I don't know. If your bf has been treating his wife with disrespect and inattention, and lavishing all the good stuff on you, I would be hesitant to be involved with him at all. I need to be with someone who can manage and balance all his relationships with love, respect, caring, and nurturing. I would never want to be the recipient of such lop-sided attention to the point where a spouse is set aside (just as much as I never want to be set aside to appease a spouse's insecurities).

[bookbug]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Is keeping the group together more important than your sanity and health in a relationship? .... So, really, how much does it matter for you to be a part of this gaming group for them to stay together? .... I would always choose to walk away from any activity or social situation if I had to in order to nurture my own emotional well-being.

While you make an excellent point, it could very well be that these gaming groups are part of her social support system. Alienating herself from them may just add insult to injury. While I agree it's wise for her to back away from their toxic situation, I certainly do not think she should have to give up the entirety of her social connections in order to preserve their marriage ~ unless it really is just too painful to see him in any situation. That is going above and beyond the call of duty, imo.

[nycindie]

Well, okay, I see your point, too. But I wasn't seeing a break as something only meant to "preserve their marriage." I see it as wanting to be part of something healthy, with someone who has integrity in all his relationships, and if he couldn't get it together for that, I'd walk.

[bookbug]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Well, okay, I see your point, too. But I wasn't seeing a break as something only meant to "preserve their marriage." I see it as wanting to be part of something healthy, with someone who has integrity in all his relationships, and if he couldn't get it together for that, I'd walk.

Also a good point. It all depends on the dynamic. Is the wife insecure and nothing he does will ever assuage her fears? Or is he really not able to manage his relationships well? Maybe the wife and the husband just aren't good together, but each would be fine on their own? Too many possibilities. Although I'm sure the OP probably has some ideas.

[nycindie]

PS - what does this mean, exactly? I have never heard this term:

Originally Posted by paintscribe

I am a prescriptive secondary...

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by nycindie

PS - what does this mean, exactly? I have never heard this term:

"prescriptive" secondary basically means you're "not allowed" to ever become more than a secondary, you'll never be as valued as the primary, and if your relationship ever becomes "too threatening" to the primary relationship, you're out the door.

Compare to "descriptive" secondary, where it's more like you just happen to have your life not as entangled (i.e. your partner has a wife with kids together, shared bills, and a joint mortgage) so the "secondary" status just describes the nature of your current relationship, without forcing it in a box that says it will never be allowed to become something more.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

"prescriptive" secondary basically means you're "not allowed" to ever become more than a secondary, you'll never be as valued as the primary, and if your relationship ever becomes "too threatening" to the primary relationship, you're out the door.

Compare to "descriptive" secondary, where it's more like you just happen to have your life not as entangled ... the "secondary" status just describes the nature of your current relationship, without forcing it in a box that says it will never be allowed to become something more.

Oh, is that common knowledge? I wonder how it is that I've been coming here for over a year and don't remember ever having come across that phrase! My lordy, I would never agree to someone else telling me that I am disposable and wouldn't "be allowed" to have a certain place in their life - I could only be a secondary by my choice and if my terms were met. Wow. Just wow.

[wildflowers]

Originally Posted by nycindie

If your bf has been treating his wife with disrespect and inattention, and lavishing all the good stuff on you, I would be hesitant to be involved with him at all. I need to be with someone who can manage and balance all his relationships with love, respect, caring, and nurturing.

I would never argue with this as a goal, but perhaps it's also worthwhile to inject some realism or tolerance, given that it seems the couple is new to all this? Basically, these relationship changes, new dynamics, NRE, etc, can be HARD, and expecting someone to get it all right the first time around is a lot to ask for. Each individual will have issues s/he needs to grapple with, as well each couple, and bumps in the road seem almost inevitable.

Which isn't at all meant to argue against any of the suggestions made for a break, or that there aren't serious issues here to be dealt with. It's just that to me the negativity above seemed a bit harsh.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by wildflowers

I would never argue with this as a goal, but perhaps it's also worthwhile to inject some realism or tolerance, given that it seems the couple is new to all this? ... It's just that to me the negativity above seemed a bit harsh.

Huh? All I'm saying is "BIG RED FLAG!" It's strange that you consider it intolerant of me to be hesitant about getting involved with someone after finding out things are not what they have seemed, and that his spouse feels mistreated. They're not that new to poly - they've been involved with the OP for nearly two years. The OP feels blindsided by stuff they were hiding from her. People who get involved with couples have to really stand up for themselves, it seems. Sure, I'd be tolerant and forgiving and acknowledge that there are inevitable bumps in the road, but I'd also be very HESITANT and CAUTIOUS.

How harsh and negative of me!

[wildflowers]

Originally Posted by nycindie

How harsh and negative of me!

Sorry, NYC, I think you took this as far more negative towards you than I had meant it. I simply hadn't gotten as negative a vibe from this situation overall as you had. I reread the thread, and I guess what I hadn't taken from it, and still find ambiguous, is whether this situation (ie neglect) has been a problem throughout or is more recent. I also didn't get a sense that all the issues should be attributed to the guy, or that there had been deliberate deception specifically from him.

Anyway, it was not meant as an attack on you at all, and I'm sorry if it seemed that way.