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Old 01-03-2012, 05:38 PM
Tesla Tesla is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 23
Unhappy New to poly and so many questions...

Hello All,

First, I'd like to apologize for the length of this post. Although I have read many of these forums as a visitor, this is the first time I am posting. My boyfriend introduced the poly idea to me about a year ago (maybe longer) and said that we'd talk about it in the future as it was something that didn't feel right in our relationship at the time.

He admitted to having feelings for a friend, an ex-girlfriend. And he said that she felt the same way. I had always known their history, but had never felt any ill will towards her until the moment those words left his mouth. Suddenly, I wanted her blood (okay, I'm being a bit dramatic, but it felt like a dragon had risen up inside of me and wanted to breathe fire across the earth, as if this was the only solution to my problem-I have quite a vivid imagination). I asked him some questions as calmly as I could and tried to listen to and absorb his answers above the sound of the ringing in my ears. He told me to think about what we had talked about, to realize that this is who he is and what he wants and how he had hurt people in the past, but now he was going to be honest and hope that things could work out.

So I thought and I wrote about it and I researched poly. And I really do think it's something I can embrace for him and for myself. But I am having the same problem so many before me have struggled with...that so very predictable green-eyed monster . I am on a roller coaster of emotion. One day I think this is a great idea and the next I am sure the world is going to end if we proceed.

Before he revealed his feelings I was very friendly with this girl and her boyfriend (they are both poly). We spent time at their house hanging out, but now I am a different person around them. I barely talk or smile. I just stare and inside I'm crying and/or furious that they would step into my life and try to ruin everything (because obviously this is their fault! Kidding). I know I am placing blame where it doesn't belong. I know there is no one to blame for anything because a)nothing has happened that is worthy of blame (i.e. no lying, cheating, or deception), and b)the only person I can blame for my terrible reaction is myself.

I have talked to my boyfriend numerous times about this. About what he wants and why he needs her in that capacity in his life. And I try to tell him about my jealousy because I think that talking about it will make it go away. This is where lies a big hurdle for us. He thinks I should keep my jealousies to myself because a)if I don't give it the attention it craves I'll see that it will pass and b)he doesn't want to talk to me about it anymore because he'll just be restating things he's said many times in the past. I asked him how it would be if it were the other way around and I was the one who admitted to feelings for a friend....would he feel this way? He said that even if he did he wouldn't tell me and he wouldn't make me feel guilty about talking to or spending time with the person. I never thought i did anything to make him feel guilty, but upon further review, I "turn off" when he starts talking about her, only nodding and/or saying, "uh huh." And if he is talking to her on the phone, my eyes probably reveal my pain and I again "turn off" and sit tight lipped and stare ahead. He tries to make me feel better, puts his hand on my leg or rubs my back or shoulder while he's chatting with her, but it doesn't change my reaction.

The other night we talked about it again and I told him that yes, I am jealous/envious of her even if nothing has happened between them yet. He said he has nothing more to say to me, that he's told me everything and I have to work it out myself because she's not going anywhere (although right now I'd like her to go to hell and, no, I'm not proud of that feeling. I'd like for it to disappear because at one point I really liked her. *sigh*). I told him that's not fair because I don't have anyone to talk to about this (I most certainly cannot go to my fiercely mono friends and family) and he has her to talk to and I'm sure he's told her about my issues with everything (he has-another thing I am not happy about). He suggested that I talk to her bf. He keeps trying to throw her bf on me, who is attracted to me, as if he's going to have a relationship with her, I'll have one with her bf, and he and I will have ours and we'll all live happily ever after. How would I even go about bringing something up to this person?

What can I do? Am I being difficult to deal with? I am trying so hard to make this work, but it's very difficult to get past the way I was raised and how I was taught romantic relationships should be. Should I talk to this girl's bf? He really is easy to talk to although I've never spoken to him about something this serious. How do you bring something like this up? Do you think I'll be able to eventually get over my upbringing and be able to embrace this fully? In theory I think it's wonderful, but the minute she's around or brought up I want to put on my hulk hands and smash everything in sight. Am I doing something wrong? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
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Tags
anger, envy, help sought, jealousy, new to polyamory

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