Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 01-03-2012, 02:16 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,331
Default

KoP (see what I did there?),

The 'did she, didn't she' of if your wife had an affair or not appears to be a weight on you. Secrets and uncertainty are often like invisible chains wrapped around us. I realize that it's been some time since the possible affair but our emotions, pain and anxiety, can go underground in the psyche if not dealt with and fester. Ask your wife to talk fully and truthfully with you about the past. Get a counselor to help if this is hard, as I expect it will be. Knowing what happened, if anything, and why, may make you 'lighter'. You may not be able to repair your relationship with your wife and you may not want to. And that's ok. But putting the past truly behind both of you may have the effect of easing dealing with each other.
Reply With Quote
  #52  
Old 01-03-2012, 07:30 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
The book is "What you feel, You can Heal." I've been given a lot of book titles to deal with other issues, including hereditary, and they are dry and some hard to read and be helpful. This one is good. It makes simple points, then expounds on them. I'll admit to reading the beginning and feeling a tad pouty when I would see myself in scenarios that weren't handled the best. However, you get past that and then find ways to do things better. If only to stop and rethink your reaction.
more books! Yay, please add it to the "book and link rec..." sticky? Thanks... it could be useful for those in similar situations.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 01-03-2012, 12:21 PM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 40
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I'd think if it was revenge or pay back you'd be able to see that quite clearly...unless you've been doing it so long it just a habit or something.

During your counseling didn't they touch on the 4 R's . Wasn't the topic of her possible cheating thoroughly discussed?

what did you mean " basic concern for another human beings feelings" are you talking about you or her? I was talking about her "new" motivation to fix this.
I'm worried about that. Acting out in revenge but not seeing it. How many people damage the lives of everybody surrounding them without realising it? Plenty.

Counseling did discuss cheating. She said that she didn't do it. I was split 50/50 on the issue. Can't prove it, can't deny it. Only thing left to do was accept that you can't always know everything.

Four Rs were not brought up.

"Basic concern for another human being" refers to my actions towards her. If I'm going to act like a dick, I can at least be a considerate dick.

Why do I think that she is suddenly so motivated? I think that she doesn't like the shift in the status quo.

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Ask your wife to talk fully and truthfully with you about the past
Already did. Years ago.

Fact is, if I continue to worry about this, I'd only be chasing after a shadow. Maybe I always was. You can't "win" them all.
Reply With Quote
  #54  
Old 01-03-2012, 01:09 PM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 40
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You keep saying in this thread that you're "over it" regarding your suspicions that your wife was having an affair before you two officially opened your marriage -- but if you really were over it, why would you have mentioned it so much? In giving us background, you would've simply said, "we opened up our marriage eleven years ago... blablabla," and not even mention your old doubts.
I think that I mentioned it once in the OP. It was relevant when we first started polyamory. I mean, it's a pretty ugly way to start things off.

The big theory here is that I'm doing this out of revenge because of her affair, so I'm going to keep on bringing it up. If I don't, everyone will say "Why are you avoiding this issue?"

Quote:
I had a very wise teacher a long time ago who used to say, "The degree to which you succeed and have satisfaction in life is directly proportionate to the amount of resentments you carry."
Gotta say I'm genuinely impressed that you managed to get all of that out of around 20 posts.

What did your wise teacher teach?

Am I stubborn? Definitely. Proud? Dunno. Probably. Threatened manhood? Nah, I never bought into that macho manly man stuff. Leave it to the sea monkeys to fight over their females.

Don't remember asking for affirmation. Just asked if I was a bad person or not. Not being a bad person doesn't necessarily make me a good person.

Believe it or not, I am just incredibly cynical. Hard to be a cynic these days without people calling you angry and bitter.

I was definitely disappointed in how my marriage turned out when I as younger. I can accept relationships ending but it's still hard to see a relationship go south like that. Around 6-7 years ago, I just accepted that the reality of my situation wasn't so hot.

I'd be disappointed in my wife if she was lying to me all this time. I'd be disappointed in myself if I was just chasing shadows. Scratch that, whether or not she was actually cheating on me at the time, I was chasing shadows.

Quote:
I think that, with lots of self-examination and a real willingness to feel vulnerable, you can do the inner work necessary to arrive at a place where you feel relief and being at peace with yourself, where you are no longer angry at her, and even a place where you can re-write your ideas of what marriage is "supposed to be" and be happy with that.
Already did that years ago. That's when I reached the "weary" stage. But I guess I could reopen the flood gates.
Reply With Quote
  #55  
Old 01-03-2012, 05:14 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,279
Default

vinncenzo, Unfortunately it is the unintended consequence of her having another partner. This happens all the time especially here. One partner wants/needs other partners and thus the marriage ends. A couple agree to swing and make the agreement of no emotional affairs ...oups someone falls in love...runs off with the new partner.

He was never on board....didn't like it for 6-7 yrs ...expressed it. Plainly stated that by doing so she risked his connection to her. She weighed the consequences and to be true to herself and her nature she continued. Hard to say what her response was in the first 7 yrs ....but now her image of the relationship she wanted is slipping away fast.

Kinda,

My impression is that under the new dynamic long heart to heart conversations really don't happen ...or rather you not interested in having them...water under the bridge type thing.

Have you flatly told your wife you have more attraction and love for your other partner and the reasons for that ?

Does she know about this web site ? Does she visit and read this thread?

Does she think you're a vindictive prick....( specifically about this topic)
Reply With Quote
  #56  
Old 01-03-2012, 09:51 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 337
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
vinncenzo, Unfortunately it is the unintended consequence of her having another partner. This happens all the time especially here. One partner wants/needs other partners and thus the marriage ends. A couple agree to swing and make the agreement of no emotional affairs ...oups someone falls in love...runs off with the new partner.

He was never on board....didn't like it for 6-7 yrs ...expressed it. Plainly stated that by doing so she risked his connection to her. She weighed the consequences and to be true to herself and her nature she continued. Hard to say what her response was in the first 7 yrs ....but now her image of the relationship she wanted is slipping away fast.

Kinda,

My impression is that under the new dynamic long heart to heart conversations really don't happen ...or rather you not interested in having them...water under the bridge type thing.

Have you flatly told your wife you have more attraction and love for your other partner and the reasons for that ?

Does she know about this web site ? Does she visit and read this thread?

Does she think you're a vindictive prick....( specifically about this topic)
I think its easier to see this outside of romantic association context. Its a trick I use on myself to check my own actions for subconscious motivations when I feel challenged in my own relationships. Much of what builds resentments in romantic associations is due to our socialized view of caring for someone we are intimate with and what they should or shouldn't do to show they care for us. We judge the people we claim we love most much more harshly than we tend to do with close friends. When we do to our friends what is more typical in romantic associations, it becomes more noticeable even to ourselves.

We've all experienced the drifting apart of close friendships when we were growing up. A natural occurrence; circumstances make what use to be a strong connection weaken and new ones get built. At what point is it natural when it is happening to announce to the friend who built a new association and their new friend that they should now be best friends instead of the original two? Especially when it is previously discussed that it is a possible outcome?
When you want to wound them. Otherwise it just happens quietly over time.

I watched my brother do this very thing when his best friend got chummy with another kid he took French lessons with. My brother spoke not a lick and began to suspect that when his BFF and the new friend would speak French in front of him that they were talking about him. Maybe they were and maybe they were not; it was never provable. That suspicion was what ended up killing the friendship before time could do it naturally. My brother began to act out to the BFF causing the BFF to ask why my brother was acting the way he was. Eventually my brother announced to them both that they should be best friends now because he was going to be best friends with someone he played hockey with. Very unnecessarily dramatic and they long since stopped any contact at all.
I too have old friends I grew apart from over time after a very close association. One of which did behave like it was intentional - their new friendship with someone else. KOP's words remind me very much of that dynamic. Others that I've drifted from or they from I, this dynamic is usually lacking and those friendships faded without resentments. No announcing to anyone who should or shouldn't be closest to who because it happened naturally.

Really, I'm not weighing in to make KOP feel bad about himself in this but to caution how far this can go into ugliness if he lets it. And I have no idea how all this is playing out in their home. None of us know if his wife is an emotional wreck trying to hold this together or if he is only answering her concerns as she pushes him to tell her whats what. Just that he mentions staying with his wife for the child he has with her. That can be noble IF it is indeed to ensure the well being of the child and not to make the child stand witness to payback tactics. As he said, the kid isn't stupid. So staying for the child can become pointless if it turns home life into a vindictive minefield. Staying with mum for the kid means staying with mum and not just residing in the same home. It means being there for mum when she needs him to be because its the example he should want for his daughter to accept as a standard for her own relationships and from her own partner(s) as an adult.
Reply With Quote
  #57  
Old 01-04-2012, 12:28 AM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 40
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
My impression is that under the new dynamic long heart to heart conversations really don't happen ...or rather you not interested in having them...water under the bridge type thing.

Have you flatly told your wife you have more attraction and love for your other partner and the reasons for that ?

Does she know about this web site ? Does she visit and read this thread?

Does she think you're a vindictive prick....( specifically about this topic)
Remember how I said on page 1 or 2 that we had long discussions about where things were going? Those were the heart to heart conversations. I'm always up for a chat if my wife has something to say.

Yes.

Yes and yes.

No. Or if she does think that I am a vindictive prick, she wouldn't say anything. She's playing the role of super-wife at the moment. Calling me names isn't the smartest way to get what she wants.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
Really, I'm not weighing in to make KOP feel bad about himself in this but to caution how far this can go into ugliness if he lets it. And I have no idea how all this is playing out in their home. None of us know if his wife is an emotional wreck trying to hold this together or if he is only answering her concerns as she pushes him to tell her whats what. Just that he mentions staying with his wife for the child he has with her. That can be noble IF it is indeed to ensure the well being of the child and not to make the child stand witness to payback tactics. As he said, the kid isn't stupid. So staying for the child can become pointless if it turns home life into a vindictive minefield. Staying with mum for the kid means staying with mum and not just residing in the same home. It means being there for mum when she needs him to be because its the example he should want for his daughter to accept as a standard for her own relationships and from her own partner(s) as an adult.
I agree. One lesson that I hope my daughter learns is "don't be as poor as mummy and daddy."
Reply With Quote
  #58  
Old 01-04-2012, 10:02 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,279
Default

Sorry, I forgot that.


Does your wife have a username and any threads of her own either about her relationship with you or her bf in the archive ?

What does she think of this thread so far? Or rather ...what do you think of the thread so far Mrs Kpd?
Reply With Quote
  #59  
Old 01-04-2012, 12:54 PM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 40
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Sorry, I forgot that.


Does your wife have a username and any threads of her own either about her relationship with you or her bf in the archive ?

What does she think of this thread so far? Or rather ...what do you think of the thread so far Mrs Kpd?
She says that she has never created any accounts or threads here.

Guess we could share this account. We aren't breaking any rules by doing that right?

I'll quote her response to your second question.

"Interesting."

She had a big grin on her face when she said that.
Reply With Quote
  #60  
Old 01-04-2012, 02:06 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,722
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KindaPOd View Post
She says that she has never created any accounts or threads here.

Guess we could share this account. We aren't breaking any rules by doing that right?
Not breaking a rule, per se, but most of us find it confusing when a married couple shares an account, unless each partner begins each post by stating who they are.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
hierarchy, marriage vs. polyamory, primary, secondaries, secondary, trust issues

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:58 AM.