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  #21  
Old 12-31-2011, 10:06 PM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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I am bummed my previous smiley faces didn't cut and paste into my last long reply. They showed up as boxes. My reply wasn't supposed to be one long whine, just several shorter whines punctuated by smiley faces. My life is confusing, but not terrible.

@GeminiGirl, itís so good to hear someone else has been in the same boat. Thanks for the encouragement!

@dingedheart, during the time I have been seeing my SO, I dated one other guy. Iíll call him ďDave.Ē Dave was a friend who turned into something more involved. I will say that while the relationship with Dave was developing, I didnít feel the need to make anything more out of my relationship with my SO. Dave and I had NRE in spades and it was great seeing both men. It is arguable that Dave and I never had a chance (or a foreseeable future) from the start, but with Dave I had adventure, regular companionship, and some other wants met. I continued to see my SO once a week. Life was exciting.

Dave didnít know anything about poly and before he and I became sexually involved. Before we got serious, I told him about my non-monogamy. To assure Dave I wasnít cheating and this was all on the up and up, I offered to introduce the men. My SO would have liked that. Dave avoided the topic. Dave was a terrible communicator, after numerous, frustrating attempts bridge an emotional gap in our relationship, I finally figured out that Dave only wanted to be friends with benefits or fuck buddies. He justified this by saying he assumed this was okay with me because I was promiscuous - his translation of non-monogamous. *sigh* I lay that at Daveís feet, I donít expect all men to behave that way.

I would love a full time partner. Someone whom I could wake up to in the morning, to tell about my day when I got home to work, to plan a future with, to travel with, to take on lifeís challenges with. Live-in partners arenít all wine and roses, and realistically, very few are forever, but the right ones have some great benefits while youíve got Ďem.

My SO and I text during the day, maybe 5-6 texts. We usually text each other right before bed with a ďGoodnight, Lover.Ē This can be warming for me or bittersweet since Iím in bed by myself. We donít talk by phone often, but thatís all me, I suck on the phone. If Iím upset about something, he makes the time to come over, even if I tell him Iím alright on my own. I can feel conflicted about this, I donít want to take him away from home or his other obligations and I really will be alright, whatever it is, Iím a capable human being. I do appreciate his effort, though. Just relating this makes me a little teary.
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  #22  
Old 12-31-2011, 10:27 PM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I can totally see poly as an option until such time as a monogamous relationship is needed and sought after. Both options are valid. Deciding what is right for you is what is important.
@Redpepper, I relieved to hear that you think it's not an either/or proposition. Still, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this. It is okay to have a "for now until a monogamous person comes along" relationship? I suppose all relationships could fall into the "this could change based on circumstances" category, but having "this is just for now" as an up front condition would be unusual. It would certainly take away some security on the part of the other partner. It's very possibly I'm misunderstanding your intent.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I think you could still love and spend time with your bf and your metamours and still be in his life but end the partnership aspect. He sounds very busy with several people, I can imagine that the time factor would be a big one and maybe its better to be loving friends instead.
I am giving this advice serious consideration. It would better manage my expectations and disappointments if I am unable to make the change to the new normal. Thank you.
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  #23  
Old 12-31-2011, 10:46 PM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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@bookbug, the other gf’s and I are cool and enjoy spending time together, but I don’t know that I would describe us as close. It’s possible they already know my struggles as information flows pretty freely through the group. They have primaries, so I don’t know what they could offer, but it never hurts to ask. It’s a little strange though, since they are part of my group and I’m talking about possibly ending a relationship with someone we all love. I’m sure they would be supportive, regardless.

@opalescent, I am okay with searching for additional partners while in a relationship with my SO. You are actually touching on what redpepper said above. Would you have been okay with SW leaving you if he found a monogamous primary? You may have been, and that’s great, it’s just disorienting to me.

I suspect that I would be just fine as a limited secondary if I had a primary. But maybe I’m only envisioning the ideal and not the reality. Sounds good, anyway. I’m glad it works for you.

Last edited by PaperGrace; 12-31-2011 at 10:53 PM.
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  #24  
Old 12-31-2011, 10:51 PM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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Hmmm, I submitted my reply to GeminiGirl and dingedheart, then a second reply to redpepper, but those are still being reviewed, so they may show up out of order. Sorry for any confusion!
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  #25  
Old 12-31-2011, 11:04 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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My only confusion is, who is reviewing your postings? And can I get that to clean up my poor grammar and flaws in logic ?
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  #26  
Old 12-31-2011, 11:16 PM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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LOL. I'm not sure, but every post I've submitted until #21 above has resulted in a message saying it's being reviewed and shows up later. I figured this was because I was a new poster and I was in some sort of trial period. I was surprised when #21 showed up immediately.
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  #27  
Old 01-01-2012, 12:50 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
My only confusion is, who is reviewing your postings? And can I get that to clean up my poor grammar and flaws in logic ?
Me, and Not a Hope!

Quote:
Originally Posted by PaperGrace View Post
LOL. I'm not sure, but every post I've submitted until #21 above has resulted in a message saying it's being reviewed and shows up later. I figured this was because I was a new poster and I was in some sort of trial period. I was surprised when #21 showed up immediately.
Spam filter checks on posters with less than five, and tends to catch long posts. You're over the hump now, so if your posts get moderated now, it's because you've been naughty!

Enjoy!
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  #28  
Old 01-02-2012, 02:45 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I think you need to think, plan and work toward finding full time partner. Life gets short ...build the life you want and be happy.

And with the current schedule you'll have plenty of time to work on that.
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  #29  
Old 01-02-2012, 05:36 AM
Bricklie Bricklie is offline
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Hi there,

Reading what you wrote made my heart go Ow. I have felt that pain of getting one of seven.

Everyone is right. There is enormous value in learning to be alone. Sadly, the process of getting to that zen mountain top is largely unpleasant. I've spent the last year climbing that mess and, while I'm far from the top yet, I can tell you it gets better.

The most important thing, I think, is to create a firmament in your pain. You have to separate pain from pain so it stops all looking the same--it comes in flavors. Pain of being without this one guy can come from your own personal hungers that he may not be able to cure.

One has to ask oneself why one fell in love with a guy who cannot provide the normal boyfriend stuff. I personally hate this question, but it's a necessary one.

I don't know how deeply you feel for this guy, but I'll assume it's heavy. In that case, get yourself to the point where you can present a coherent list of issues and honestly present it to your guy. If you're clear with yourself and clear with him, then the time comes for discussion, negotiation and possible changes for both of you. If he also feels a pull to spend more time with you, then perhaps he needs to make some time-edits in his life. If he cannot or will not carve out a You shape in his life, you might want to think about how much you're willing to compromise to keep him (even 1/7 of him) in your life and why.

Wishing you a happy solution.
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  #30  
Old 01-02-2012, 07:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PaperGrace View Post
@Redpepper, I relieved to hear that you think it's not an either/or proposition. Still, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this. It is okay to have a "for now until a monogamous person comes along" relationship? I suppose all relationships could fall into the "this could change based on circumstances" category, but having "this is just for now" as an up front condition would be unusual. It would certainly take away some security on the part of the other partner. It's very possibly I'm misunderstanding your intent.
Sure, why not have an "for now" relationship. If people can be poly and love someone for one night in a one night stand, why not poly date until your "soul mate" comes along. I think you can create what ever works for you as long as you are up front about how you feel.

Maybe don't say, "hey honey you aren't my soul mate but you'll do." lol but you could say you want to keep yourself open to other opportunities and see where things go. Poly until monogamy comes along is very common and we have seen many people here who subscribe to dating poly while they wait for Mr. or Mrs. right. Some are married to their job and don't want much on the relationship front too. The basis is honesty and integrity and keeping the communication open.
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