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  #41  
Old 12-31-2011, 03:34 AM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I'm having a hard time feeling sympathetic to your situation, KindaPOd.
Makes sense. Not the most sympathetic situation to be in.

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It sounds like you want to punish your wife for loving someone else for all these years, and reward your ex-girlfriend-now-primary-girlfriend for pining for you / loving only you for all these years.

Why don't you care about your wife's feeling? She loved both you and her boyfriend for many years, and tried to make it work with both of you. But you checked out as soon as you had your adoring ex-girlfriend back.
Probably a large element of truth in this interpretation.

I've never bought into the revenge angle. Can't remember if I made that clear earlier on in the thread. Not impossible that I'm just a vindictive asswipe. I just don't see it.

My gf moved on after our first breakup. If anything, there was a part of me that couldn't let go of her. I think it was guilt. You can do some stupid things when you're younger. And when you are older too. Guess that I wanted to make amends.

I care enough about my wife's feelings that I don't want to lead her on.

Not fully checked out of my marriage, but I actually don't know if I would've started a relationship with my gf, had our marriage not gotten into the shape that it's in.

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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Not trying to hurt her ...just doesn't really care if it happens as a consequence of this dynamic that she created.
That's not entirely true. Not hard to figure out that my wife is putting herself through the wringer for me. Don't really know how I can stop her at this point.

If you've ever been in a situation where your SO(s) were more into you than you were into them...it's not that great.
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  #42  
Old 12-31-2011, 07:40 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Not entirely true, which part. So you do care... sorta.... just don't know how to help her see your new (old ) position.

Has anything life changes occurred (outside of your actions) that may have brought about this concern for her. Like a death, family members divorce daughters getting older planning to leave the nest...stuff like that.
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  #43  
Old 01-01-2012, 02:48 AM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Has anything life changes occurred (outside of your actions) that may have brought about this concern for her. Like a death, family members divorce daughters getting older planning to leave the nest...stuff like that.
Nothing special. She's my wife. She's a person.

Basic consideration for another human being's feelings, probably.

General trend is that I'm doing this out of revenge. That's what everybody here thinks. Going to look into it.

Last edited by KindaPOd; 01-01-2012 at 03:00 AM.
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  #44  
Old 01-01-2012, 04:36 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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If it helps, I don't think you are being vindictive. As the poly person who got into an emotional affair first, I get that it feels embarrassing and/or belittling to admit to lying or cheating. the wish to just clean slate it and move on from where you are. However, I also know DH could not move on until I admitted, and showed genuine remorse for the lying. Without the truth having been given for years, there's no solid foundation to build on. In one of our communication books we use it talks about how if you don't work on things, communicate you end up with the four Rs. Resistance, Resentment, Rejection, Repression. One thing the book was clear on was these were the steps to the death of a relationship.

Basically waiting for the truth, not sure if she has cheated or not and not getting the conversation to finally clear things and really be able to work through them and THEN try and move on. I think you've just gone through all four stages. First there's space, you start Resisting what the other person is saying and doing. You start pulling away. Then you start Resenting things. Blaming and disliking things they are doing. You haven't had what you feel is the truth so you start resenting the 'truth' she does give you. Not able to trust it. The little voice in your head almost rolling it's eyes at things. Then there's Rejection. You dont' really want time with her, dont' want to discuss it, don't want to be emotionally connected. It's too hard. Actually maybe that's the stage you are at. Though it feels like you are at Repression. Where you just get to a state of numbness emotionally.

We took trips into these four Rs ourselves during our marriage, but the book helped, even if it hurt as well to go over things you had emotionally numbed yourself to. You had to reopen wounds. Honestly if your wife really wants things to get back to you two being primaries for each other, she may want to look into opening those wounds and admitting things, talking them out and actually cares about the hurt you felt. Right now you might seem numb about it, but that's probably you just covering it up because feeling hurt all the time is too hard. So it's heal or repress it. You've been repressing, she wants better, she needs to help with the healing.

That's what I get when I read this thread anyway.
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  #45  
Old 01-02-2012, 09:52 AM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
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If it helps, I don't think you are being vindictive.
Oh good. Thought it was just me. And DH too.

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Resistance, Resentment, Rejection, Repression.
Pretty accurate way of putting it. Do you remember the name of the book?

Quote:
Honestly if your wife really wants things to get back to you two being primaries for each other, she may want to look into opening those wounds and admitting things, talking them out and actually cares about the hurt you felt.
Doubt that is going to happen. It's been over a decade. Besides, even if she did admit it, the fact that it took over a decade to happen sorta minimises the sincerity of a confession. What the hell would I even say?

"Thanks for finally doing what you should have done immediately after you began your affair. Maybe we should have discussed non-monogamy before you did anything."

On the plus side, I'd finally know that I wasn't crazy.

I'm also running along with the assumption that she did have an affair. If she didn't and she is speaking the truth, just says that I don't trust her as much as she deserves to be trusted.

But like I said way back on page 1, I've put it behind me. Or maybe I've "repressed" it. I've seen what holding onto pain can do to a man. Not pretty.
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  #46  
Old 01-02-2012, 03:46 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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The book is "What you feel, You can Heal." I've been given a lot of book titles to deal with other issues, including hereditary, and they are dry and some hard to read and be helpful. This one is good. It makes simple points, then expounds on them. I'll admit to reading the beginning and feeling a tad pouty when I would see myself in scenarios that weren't handled the best. However, you get past that and then find ways to do things better. If only to stop and rethink your reaction.
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  #47  
Old 01-02-2012, 04:10 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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When anyone talks about a "primary" being replaced or moved to a lower status that's blasphemous talk....which is a little funny because a good majority don't believe in such terms or hierarchy but indirectly function that way.

I'd think if it was revenge or pay back you'd be able to see that quite clearly...unless you've been doing it so long it just a habit or something.

During your counseling didn't they touch on the 4 R's . Wasn't the topic of her possible cheating thoroughly discussed?

what did you mean " basic concern for another human beings feelings" are you talking about you or her? I was talking about her "new" motivation to fix this.
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  #48  
Old 01-02-2012, 07:42 PM
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You keep saying in this thread that you're "over it" regarding your suspicions that your wife was having an affair before you two officially opened your marriage -- but if you really were over it, why would you have mentioned it so much? In giving us background, you would've simply said, "we opened up our marriage eleven years ago... blablabla," and not even mention your old doubts.

I had a very wise teacher a long time ago who used to say, "The degree to which you succeed and have satisfaction in life is directly proportionate to the amount of resentments you carry." I don't think you have let go of your resentment toward your wife about wanting a polyamorous relationship and you are still attached to the idea that she cheated. I get the sense that you are stubborn and proud, and that somewhere in you, there is a feeling that your idea of manhood, being a good husband and provider, and the very meaning of marriage to you, has been "under attack" or eroded by her wanting poly. You say that you have "neglected" your wife and wanted some sort of affirmation that doing so is justified. In all of your posts about your wife, there is a very clear expression of anger and bitterness toward her.

Your pain comes through loud and clear in all your anger and frustration. It seems to me that you are supremely disappointed in her and how your marriage turned out, and how you feel about yourself as a man because of it, and I wonder if you have looked at this in any kind of therapeutic setting -- because I think it will continue to eat at you and prevent you from feeling happy and satisfied until it is addressed.

Maybe you and your wife are finished and ready to move on. Maybe you can turn it around and embrace poly with forgiveness (for her and yourself) and generosity of spirit, and not hurt anymore. I think that, with lots of self-examination and a real willingness to feel vulnerable, you can do the inner work necessary to arrive at a place where you feel relief and being at peace with yourself, where you are no longer angry at her, and even a place where you can re-write your ideas of what marriage is "supposed to be" and be happy with that. Whether the two of you stay together or not. I wish you well in this effort, if you are brave enough to go there.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-02-2012 at 07:49 PM.
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  #49  
Old 01-02-2012, 08:06 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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To be fair others keep bringing that up, myself included. And now by vix.

Cindie, what part did you read that gave you that insight on his feeling of providing and manhood related things...could you please quote those so I could learn.
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  #50  
Old 01-02-2012, 09:03 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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What I keep getting out of the OP's posts is the sense of revenge as well. She hurt him by wanting another love in her life despite still wanting him. That request made her capable of anything in his mind including cheating before asking to become poly.

Instead of saying no or choosing to leave the marriage for the disparity of values he has stayed till he found someone to move on with. Ready with the unprovable suspicions of cheating to absolve motivations. This allows him to "do it back to her" before leaving. So not poly like her in any sense other than throwing the wife the occasional bone. His mind is still mono. The GF as the ready replacement when he goes. But he has to make sure the wife feels as he did, replaced, before he goes and has to make sure both his wife and her BF know he is replacing her.

Of course I'm guessing here, but I doubt this is what his wife was asking to happen in being poly. So that suggestion of this being the result of what his wife asked for doesn't seem to hold water. This isn't the natural result of anything. If this wasn't the result he wants to have happen and simply how it all played out, why the request that the wife become the secondary to the GF? Seems a bit more stringent that just wanting to do away with the labels.
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