Need some advice on how to deal with this
Well, I will start by saying I have learned an awful lot about myself through this journey. I can also say I have learned a lot about people in general.
I have learned that I myself, who in the past has never been a jealous person or had any real insecurities in relationships, am quite capable of feeling those emotions. I know the reason, or should I say reasons, I'm feeling these things now. I am actively working on these things in myself.
I was cheated on in the past, by an x, which greatly hurt my trust in the person. I did not realize at that time how much that it would also affect future relationships. It has changed me, and while it's not necessarily a bad change, it's not necessarily a good one either. I have always been trusting of people. Now, I'm much more cautious. That is both good and bad, because, while I'm now more cautious, it's taking more effort and time to trust and feel secure, when that was never a problem for me before.
Here is where my jealously comes in. When they (my partners, who are legally married) are together alone, which I encourage, I become jealous. I'm not jealous of them having sex or of either one of them in particular getting alone time with the other. I get jealous of them both getting to just be alone together. I become jealous, because when they are together, I want to be with them, spending time with them, and enjoying time with my family all together. This doesn't always happen though (my feeling jealous) and I do actually quite often feel compersion when they are together. At times, like now, I feel an odd mixture of jealousy and compersion as well as longing to be with them.
I know that may seem somewhat hypocritical on my part, because I get alone time with each of them. I know that alone time is important for the individual relationships and our triad relationship as a whole. I know all of this, but the feelings I get still happen.
When the jealousy starts to hit I start to become insecure. I start to wonder what they may be discussing, and if that discussion could be about me and ending our relationship. All of that comes from a lot of the ups and downs we have had, which have been very difficult for all three of us to go through. I start to wonder if maybe this has just reached a point where it is to much for one or both of them and they don't want to put up with it any more. I know from their reassurance, and conversations, that they don't want to end our relationship.
We have discussed a lot of the insecurities, but something that makes me feel insecure, is how they show each other they love each other. I don't want them to change that about them. It is part of what I love about them. I just sometimes feel unwanted or un needed when I see it. That, I know comes back to a self esteem issues I have from having been cheated on. I have been reassured by them both, on numerous occasions, that they are fully commited to me, each other, and our triad, and that they are not going to leave me just because things become hard, or an issue arises. I have been told time and time again how much they both love me, but sometimes I can't stop the feelings once they start.
To me my feeling this way is not anyone's fault and I don't want to make either of them feel bad about it. I guess that due to past experience it's still sometimes hard for me to emotionally accept that they are not going anywhere. Intellectually, I know and believe what they are saying. They have never given me a reason not to trust and believe them.
I am trying so hard not to be obsessively needy and clingy. I'm trying not to let my own personal insecurities and jealousy become this out of control thing. Right now, for me, there are times, when I feel these things, that I don't mention it, or I down play it because I don't want to make anyone feel bad, and sometimes, I just want to talk or spend time with them without this being the topic of conversation. Sometimes, I have to pick it all apart first and figure it out before I mention it to them.
When the jealousy and insecurities hit, I try to find something else to occupy my time and attention. Then later when I'm not in the throws of the emotions and can be rational, I will sit and examine it. That is how I know where it all comes from and know why I feel the way I do. I try to find ways of working past it and I will often make myself sit and focus on the things they both say and do that show me how much they love each other and me. It doesn't always work though, and I'm really needing some ideas on how to deal with this.
I, fortunately, am not a secondary or thought of in that sense. Our triad, we have learned, is special in that it is as close to equilateral as one can get. We share pretty much everything, a home, child rearing, finances, etc... We make sure we have time together, as well as alone and in couples. We work and flow together much like any normal mono relationship would. We don't have set limits or boundaries. We talk about everything, and do not keep secrets. We consider each of us to be a spouse. We really do have quite a wonderful and amazing relationship. I have never loved or felt this loved by anyone. My love for them both continues to grow more each day.
I know where the feelings are coming from, but I don't understand why I'm having so much trouble working past them. Any ideas and/or advice would be much appreciated.
~If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies.~
|coping, insecurity, jealousy|