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Old 12-31-2011, 05:10 PM
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Question Need some advice on how to deal with this

Well, I will start by saying I have learned an awful lot about myself through this journey. I can also say I have learned a lot about people in general.

I have learned that I myself, who in the past has never been a jealous person or had any real insecurities in relationships, am quite capable of feeling those emotions. I know the reason, or should I say reasons, I'm feeling these things now. I am actively working on these things in myself.

I was cheated on in the past, by an x, which greatly hurt my trust in the person. I did not realize at that time how much that it would also affect future relationships. It has changed me, and while it's not necessarily a bad change, it's not necessarily a good one either. I have always been trusting of people. Now, I'm much more cautious. That is both good and bad, because, while I'm now more cautious, it's taking more effort and time to trust and feel secure, when that was never a problem for me before.

Here is where my jealously comes in. When they (my partners, who are legally married) are together alone, which I encourage, I become jealous. I'm not jealous of them having sex or of either one of them in particular getting alone time with the other. I get jealous of them both getting to just be alone together. I become jealous, because when they are together, I want to be with them, spending time with them, and enjoying time with my family all together. This doesn't always happen though (my feeling jealous) and I do actually quite often feel compersion when they are together. At times, like now, I feel an odd mixture of jealousy and compersion as well as longing to be with them.

I know that may seem somewhat hypocritical on my part, because I get alone time with each of them. I know that alone time is important for the individual relationships and our triad relationship as a whole. I know all of this, but the feelings I get still happen.

When the jealousy starts to hit I start to become insecure. I start to wonder what they may be discussing, and if that discussion could be about me and ending our relationship. All of that comes from a lot of the ups and downs we have had, which have been very difficult for all three of us to go through. I start to wonder if maybe this has just reached a point where it is to much for one or both of them and they don't want to put up with it any more. I know from their reassurance, and conversations, that they don't want to end our relationship.

We have discussed a lot of the insecurities, but something that makes me feel insecure, is how they show each other they love each other. I don't want them to change that about them. It is part of what I love about them. I just sometimes feel unwanted or un needed when I see it. That, I know comes back to a self esteem issues I have from having been cheated on. I have been reassured by them both, on numerous occasions, that they are fully commited to me, each other, and our triad, and that they are not going to leave me just because things become hard, or an issue arises. I have been told time and time again how much they both love me, but sometimes I can't stop the feelings once they start.

To me my feeling this way is not anyone's fault and I don't want to make either of them feel bad about it. I guess that due to past experience it's still sometimes hard for me to emotionally accept that they are not going anywhere. Intellectually, I know and believe what they are saying. They have never given me a reason not to trust and believe them.

I am trying so hard not to be obsessively needy and clingy. I'm trying not to let my own personal insecurities and jealousy become this out of control thing. Right now, for me, there are times, when I feel these things, that I don't mention it, or I down play it because I don't want to make anyone feel bad, and sometimes, I just want to talk or spend time with them without this being the topic of conversation. Sometimes, I have to pick it all apart first and figure it out before I mention it to them.

When the jealousy and insecurities hit, I try to find something else to occupy my time and attention. Then later when I'm not in the throws of the emotions and can be rational, I will sit and examine it. That is how I know where it all comes from and know why I feel the way I do. I try to find ways of working past it and I will often make myself sit and focus on the things they both say and do that show me how much they love each other and me. It doesn't always work though, and I'm really needing some ideas on how to deal with this.

I, fortunately, am not a secondary or thought of in that sense. Our triad, we have learned, is special in that it is as close to equilateral as one can get. We share pretty much everything, a home, child rearing, finances, etc... We make sure we have time together, as well as alone and in couples. We work and flow together much like any normal mono relationship would. We don't have set limits or boundaries. We talk about everything, and do not keep secrets. We consider each of us to be a spouse. We really do have quite a wonderful and amazing relationship. I have never loved or felt this loved by anyone. My love for them both continues to grow more each day.

I know where the feelings are coming from, but I don't understand why I'm having so much trouble working past them. Any ideas and/or advice would be much appreciated.
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Old 12-31-2011, 05:55 PM
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It sounds to me that your situation is very good (enviable in fact) and that you logically know that. And so the problem is that you are generalizing an issue that occurred in a specific circumstance with a specific person to situations that have the potential to be characteristically similar, but is in fact very different qualitatively speaking. I give you a lot of kudos for recognizing this.

It's a natural thing to do. A more simplistic idea, but a good analogy is like when a person gets the stomach a flu caused by a virus, but our brain blames the last thing we ate, and feels like that food should be avoided in the future. So your brain is looking at situation and getting all freaked out blaming the wrong thing.

Really, it's kind of like a glitch in your programming.

As silly as it sometimes is, I find affirmations to be helpful. And in your case, they need to come from your partners. For example, when they are getting ready to spend time alone, if they would take just a few minutes before embarking on their alone time to tell you how much they love and value you, perhaps at the same time encouraging to pamper yourself while you have time to yourself. Kind of like a ritual. I have a feeling that if you got that little bit of reassurance right before, it might began to over-ride the emotion. You'll have been showered with good feelings and begin to associate their alone time with an expression of their love.
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Old 12-31-2011, 06:07 PM
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how long have you all been together? And how long have they been together?

Have you struggle with these feeling since day one or has something changed now?

Who has the children? How many?
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Old 12-31-2011, 07:42 PM
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It sounds like you are dealing with jealousy just fine. Its just a matter of time and going through it to a point of confidence that its all okay and you can let go of the residual self talk that is going through your mind. What you speak of is part of your journey and you are still in it. When you reach a place of realization that you aren't holding on to jealousy any more you will be through it. Sometimes it all just takes time.
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Old 01-01-2012, 01:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyFiTri View Post
When the jealousy starts to hit I start to become insecure. I start to wonder what they may be discussing, and if that discussion could be about me and ending our relationship. All of that comes from a lot of the ups and downs we have had, which have been very difficult for all three of us to go through. I start to wonder if maybe this has just reached a point where it is to much for one or both of them and they don't want to put up with it any more. I know from their reassurance, and conversations, that they don't want to end our relationship.
Really it sounds like you trust them. All you can do is ask them to not discuss anything ABOUT you with each other without agreeing to cover the topic with you too, and trust that they will do so.

I also am going to suggest this book. If the Buddha Dated . When my life or relationships are stressed, I tend to start feeling insecure and worried 5-6 days after I haven't talked to, or seen, a partner, worrying that they think they're better off if they weren't dating me, etc etc. Opening this book almost anywhere and reading a bit often helps put things in perspective. I've shared it with a number of people and all of them seem to have found it helpful in some way.
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Old 01-01-2012, 10:41 AM
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Default i know the feeling

I can completely understand where u are comingg from. I too am in a triad relationship with a married couple. I have lived with them for four years and we too share a home, finances, and childrearing. We love eachother dearly. I also feel very jealous at times of their relationship. I have spent many an off night lying alone and wondering why I feel this way at times. I want my female spouse (I am not a secondary but considered an equal spouse to the male) to be happy and I don't mind them having sex or anything. So when I think long and hard about it I think that I am jealous of the years they had tgogeether before I arrived , her status as his legal wife, and that she is the mother of his children. Also, because of these things I feel he tries hardrer to keep her happy because if they split he has a lot more to lose. I also am jealous that she may display public affection towars him without consequence whereas with myself I must be careful that I only do this around people who are aware of our sitch. Perhaps it also has to do with the fact that they both cheated on me about two years back by both of them lying in order to sneak off to a swingers club in vegas for three days with another couple. They said they were going to a carshow with his folks. They knew I would have refused them to go as I made it clear that if I were to live with them swinging was out of the question. So to this day I worry that they are talking about me in private, and perhaps plotting against me. I am jealous that they shared this elaborate lie and plan together to fool me. It makes me feel that he loves her more and thinks that she is more precious than me. Also, he calls me his hot little mama and says that our sex is infinitely better, but I know that he holds her on a pedestal for being his wife and the mother of his childrren. I can't compete with that. So sometimes I come away feeling like a concubine. Anyway I guess what I am saying is that I empathise and understand. Those are some of me reasons for beingg jealous sometimes. U are not alone. I am sorry I rambled and shifted focus on me for a bit. I just so relate and needed to tell u my story.
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Old 01-01-2012, 04:42 PM
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Also, he calls me his hot little mama and says that our sex is infinitely better, but I know that he holds her on a pedestal for being his wife and the mother of his childrren. I can't compete with that. So sometimes I come away feeling like a concubine. Anyway I guess what I am saying is that I empathise and understand. Those are some of me reasons for beingg jealous sometimes. U are not alone. I am sorry I rambled and shifted focus on me for a bit. I just so relate and needed to tell u my story.
You and your female spouse do hold different positions in your male spouse's life. The two of you are not interchangeable. And yes, hers is society sanctioned wife and mother of his children. However, I would not be surprised if his legal wife feels a bit envious that you are his "hot little mama". And yes, I'm sure she is aware of this on some level.

I can certainly see why the deception in regard to the swinging bothers you. Deception in any relationship sucks. Period.

It sounds to me though that you also feel "less" because your position is not sanctioned by society ~ that you can't show affection to him in public etc. Sadly, this is nothing that any of you can fix. This situation is not your spouses' fault. Society is what it is. You may be able to flaunt your triad status once the children are grown, but for now, they must be considered.

It is important that you separate how society would define you (concubine for example) versus how the three of you choose define yourselves. It can be a difficult challenge as we are bombarded each day with the American standard "nuclear family".

Sounds to me that you are sorting through your issues very well. Perhaps, you'll find in getting them teased out, you'll be able to put some of them to rest. However, in the long run, it may come down to the fact that you want a more traditional (by societal standards) legally sanctioned relationship.

As the added one in a long term MFF triad that lasted until the death of our male spouse, I understand the struggle you are under in regard to society. In the end, for me it was worth it to deal with those restrictions. No one else in our triad liked having to hide the truth either, but that's the way it was.

And while there were lots of issues in my newest triad (read Need Some Perspective if you are interested), I think one of the problems was exactly the one you are struggling with about what society thinks. In our case, the legal wife had major issues with anybody finding out. While I don't mention it in my post, I think it was a huge part of her 180 degree turnaround, although she would not admit to it.
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Old 01-01-2012, 10:57 PM
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Feedhercandy Feedhercandy is offline
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Default Talking about the sexual or other strengths that one partner has to another partner

One of the rules I've created for myself that makes a lot of sense to me and, I think, has avoided me a world of trouble, is to never talk to one partner about the sexual (or other) strengths or weaknesses of the other partner. For example, it seems ill advised to me to tell my husband that he's a better lover than my boyfriend. Sometimes one or the other will fish for this kind of information and I gently but firmly stir away from it. That's not to say that both haven't acted as my friends and confidants at times of relationship stress (more my husband than my boyfriend); however, I try to be very careful about defining either one as in some concrete way better or worse than the other.

My reason for this is simply because, if the situation was such that I was one of multiple partners to my partner and he talked to me about her strengths or weaknesses, I would dwell on those conversations in a self-destructive way that wouldn't in any way help our relationship(s).
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Old 01-02-2012, 08:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I also am going to suggest this book. If the Buddha Dated . When my life or relationships are stressed, I tend to start feeling insecure and worried 5-6 days after I haven't talked to, or seen, a partner, worrying that they think they're better off if they weren't dating me, etc etc. Opening this book almost anywhere and reading a bit often helps put things in perspective. I've shared it with a number of people and all of them seem to have found it helpful in some way.
If this is a good book, could you add it to the book list in the "book rec..." sticky? Thanks.
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Last edited by redpepper; 01-03-2012 at 07:09 AM.
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Old 01-02-2012, 09:23 AM
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If this is a good book, could you add it to the book list in the "book rec..." sticky? Thanks.
Sure! That's one sticky I haven't checked, since I have more books about poly and relationship stuff than I know what to do with
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Last edited by redpepper; 01-03-2012 at 07:09 AM.
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