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  #11  
Old 11-11-2009, 07:03 PM
Manno Manno is offline
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Default Sorry this has been rough

I will say though, my wife and I have alluded all of this for years, and we had some flirting model that was a great placeholder, but we never wanted to make things too complicated for either of us, plus the place where we lived would not have been conducive to this lifestyle.

It took us years to get to where we are, and even in here, some people think it was a rough way for it to happen, but it was what was needed. Sometimes I wish that we'd have done this years ago, but that would not have made this any easier.

Now, as I'm realizing I might never have been monogamously-minded (I've been reflecting on my old relationships lately), perhaps this was easy for me to hear from my wife, it was the shock that it didn't shock me that startled me. I could not imagine how it would have gone had I probably not been poly all along.

Best of luck. Make sure you openly communicate with him and make sure this sparks up your relationship with him and that he should understand that this is not just about you but both of you.
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  #12  
Old 11-12-2009, 02:49 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Just a thought, but this is why I think a forum for us oldy goldies that have been in poly for awhile would be ideal.... I think that anyone who knows nothing about poly and comes on here, would have their minds blown away if their partner was asking for this kind of lifestyle....

That way, there is a forum for those just starting out, to ask questions and feel comfortable at the first stage.

again, just a thought
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  #13  
Old 11-12-2009, 03:05 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Honestly, I think the forum format had less to do with the issues than the general fact that polyamory was going on the table for him.

If people want to educate partners about polyamory, they're much better off with all sorts of other educational material that's online than to look to a forum where people are posting their dramas. Forums of any topic by their very nature are interactive in how they educate. They generally aren't as effective for education when looking on as a bystander. There's a wealth of info online that goes way beyond what these forums offer in that regard.

Last edited by Ceoli; 11-12-2009 at 03:07 AM.
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  #14  
Old 11-12-2009, 03:12 AM
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I totally agree, however, if people are going to come here looking for an intro to poly and support I think it would be responsible to leave them the "new to poly" forum. Then others can go and get into their relationships more on a thread for those who have been "living the life" for awhile... I don't know... maybe I'm crazy for insisting here... but I would love to be able to not have to wade through stuff I am not interested in so much... *sigh* whatever... it's not that important really in the grand scheme of things
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  #15  
Old 11-12-2009, 03:16 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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I see your point, but honestly, I think people would have more to learn from looking through more experienced people's stories instead of the blind leading the blind. However I just tend not to visit or respond to the threads I'm not interested in and that seems to work just fine
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  #16  
Old 11-12-2009, 09:37 PM
polymusing polymusing is offline
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I have swung from regretting that I ever even let my private thoughts out into the world (by telling both men that I loved both of them) to wishing I'd moved at a slower pace - glacial perhaps? (even though it would have meant pretending I didn't feel what I felt) to thinking maybe this might work out okay in the end (maybe not how I want it to end, but okay).

The thing that hurts the most is the realization that's come in my discussions with my husband (because we are talking - I'll say that much) is that what I'd thought was a strong, good relationship, obviously had problems. We were married long enough to fall into behavior ruts that were not good. But since we weren't "unhappy" with each other, we didn't see it. This has maybe bumped us out of our rut. Which may be a good thing. But I shook the foundation of my husband's world and I'm not sure what the new structure will look like when we rebuild.

He said he wants this other man out of his life. He did not say out of mine (he understands our relationship is so long-standing that if he did that, it might mean the end of all relationships).

So, why am I still writing here? Because I still love both of them. I cannot choose one over the other. Though the one (the one I've called my lover here even though he's not really) is backing away from me, since he's been on both sides and remembers how he felt.

There are times when I feel like I've screwed up so many lives here in such a short period of time, that I feel overwhelmed. Yet, I'm still functioning and handling day to day stuff, so I guess I'm not that bad off.

I just wish I had thought about this some more.
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  #17  
Old 11-12-2009, 09:43 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Major fundamental life-changing self-discovery like that is freaking hard no matter how you go about it. Hang in there.
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  #18  
Old 11-12-2009, 11:17 PM
sunnydee sunnydee is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polymusing View Post
But I shook the foundation of my husband's world and I'm not sure what the new structure will look like when we rebuild.

He said he wants this other man out of his life. He did not say out of mine (he understands our relationship is so long-standing that if he did that, it might mean the end of all relationships).

Though the one (the one I've called my lover here even though he's not really) is backing away from me, since he's been on both sides and remembers how he felt.

There are times when I feel like I've screwed up so many lives here in such a short period of time, that I feel overwhelmed. Yet, I'm still functioning and handling day to day stuff, so I guess I'm not that bad off.

I just wish I had thought about this some more.

Ugh. Yes, I've been here. Right in this spot. 24 year marriage. 9 month relationship with a man we both loved (not sexual) Husband's world tumbling... Ugh. The stress was enormous, so big big big hugs. But, listen, sweetie. You haven't screwed up lives. Not yet. PM me if you want, because this situation is well over for me and I don't want to describe it at length, but... if lover is backing away, let him go. Really. If someone wants out, you might be able to hold him, but, eventually.... Let him back out or distance or whatever and the husband can regroup. You can deal with the husband and the problems you have with him in a much less volatile situation. Whatever happens with the marriage will be infinitely less difficult with a safer place to deal with it.

If the lover really wants it, he'll come back. If he doesn't, you've learned extremely important things about what you want and what the relationship with your husband is really like.

I know you probably won't be able to do this, but there it is. BIGGEST HUG EVER.
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  #19  
Old 11-15-2009, 05:57 PM
polymusing polymusing is offline
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???

This isn't about meat - (which we all enjoy).

But to continue along these lines...

if meat is polyamory

my husband does not believe in it, no way, no how.

I do.

We love each other.

We have to figure this out.
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