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Old 12-29-2011, 10:44 PM
Shizuma Shizuma is offline
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Default My journey into poly...

Just a short overview on me: I'm 30, have been in a relationship with my wife for 3,5 years, and we got married about five months ago.

In the summer of 2010, the word "poly" entered my life. Until then, I'd thought myself unable to live in a relationship, unable to really love just one person. Which, in a way, is true. I am unable to keep my emotions monogamous. In my long-term relationship with the man I'd met when still at school, this was cause for much trouble, as he was very possessive and jealous and lived the concept of one and only one love, emotionally and physically. He smothered me. We broke up and divorced after a long relationship and a very short marriage. For me, it was a relief, much like escaping a cage I'd been in for years.
By now, this man is one of my closest friends who knows just about everything about me. He and my wife get along very well and we hang out a lot together.

Back to the summer of 2010. The woman who was my first love (I've known her half my life and she's older than me) mentioned the concept when she ventured into it herself after recovering from a very painful breakup.
Contact with this woman (let's call her A) was a bit difficult. My wife knows that I was extremely interested in A when I met A, and was after her for about 3 years. This ended when A started the relationship that left her so hurt.
Well, my wife felt intimidated by the history A and I share and felt intimidated by A herself, who is very beautiful, charismatic, self-confident and...I really can't explain it. She's just got something that sets her apart from others and makes her very, very special. I can understand how she's intimidating.
Well, that summer, A started hitting on me and I did my best to resist.
We (my wife, A, and me) started to talk about poly and decided to try living it, but my wife kept pulling back, and ended up being certain that she couldn't handle me living poly.
The whole thing ended in July, when A met her girlfriend and said that she wanted time to deepen and strengthen that relationship. My contact with A broke off for about 6 months, except for a few text messages, due to some discussions we'd had concerning her and my relationship and her new gf coming into her life and the fact that she suffers from depression in the fall and winter months.

I was hurt and didn't want to talk about poly and my wife didn't push the issue, so we ended our talks on a rather sour note, me remembering that she had said she couldn't live with me living poly and each of our discussions ending in a fight.

So when I fell in love this spring, I felt really awful and tried to ignore my feelings. We met this woman and her wife a while ago, and this year, our loose friendship with the two deepened. We spent a lot of time together, we were invited to their wedding in May, we asked them to be our marriage witnesses.
Ignoring my feelings worked quite well for a while, especially since I saw absolutely no future in them. This woman, I'll call her J, was married, my wife couldn't handle poly in our life, and I was certain that J didn't return my feelings anyway.

Then, J started flirting with me. I tried to tell myself that it didn't mean anything, that she definitely didn't want more than friendship with me.

I finally did talk to my wife about poly. After she'd had the chance to think about poly on her own, without anyone pushing her, she'd come to the conclusion that she can live with it. It helps that she can understand my feelings for J and could imagine more than friendship with both J and her wife.

So, everything's fine, right?

No. Would be too easy. While J's behavior is flirtative, we don't really know how to interpret it, since J simply doesn't talk about her feelings. Not even with her wife. And she claims that both she and her wife are extremely shy.
My wife is painfully shy as well. I have tendencies to be shy, because I'm scared of rejection. I always am, and my fear gets bigger the closer a relationship is, especially if I feel insecure with that person. And I feel very insecure, since J doesn't talk about feelings and I really have no idea what's going on inside her.
Also, I'm scared of losing her and her wife as friends, as they are very good friends for both my wife and me.
So I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. Any ideas????


PS: I just read through this entry and I'm afraid it may be be quite confusing...so if you have any questions, please ask!!!
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  #2  
Old 01-09-2012, 09:09 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shizuma View Post
I finally did talk to my wife about poly. After she'd had the chance to think about poly on her own, without anyone pushing her, she'd come to the conclusion that she can live with it. It helps that she can understand my feelings for J and could imagine more than friendship with both J and her wife.
Thanks for posting! A few clarificatory questions are in order: When your wife says she can live with poly, what exactly does that mean? Is she mono herself? Is she willing to tolerate it rather than lose you, or does she see it enhancing her own life in any way? Is she interested either in J or her wife? Are they interested in her? What kind of relationship do you have in mind? Is J's wife mono? Does she know of the situation between you and J?
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Old 01-09-2012, 02:26 PM
lovemultiplied lovemultiplied is offline
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Hi! I second BU's inquiries! Looking forward to getting to know more!
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Old 01-10-2012, 06:25 PM
Shizuma Shizuma is offline
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Hi,

thanks for anwering my thread!!!
My wife isn't really sure if she's mono or poly. I'm finding it hard to explain...emotionally, I'd say she's poly, from what she's told me. But she's not sure if she'd want to be intimate with anyone else.
She does see it as enhancing her own life as she wants to be more open toward people and says she'd like to share more emotional closeness with others.
She very much likes J and her wife and says she could imagine having a more intimate relationship with them (emotionally and physically).

Without really talking about it, we've, sadly, found out that J and her wife are definitely not interested in anything beyond the friendship we share.
Hurts a bit, especially considering that J has a tendency to flirt heavily with both my wife and me, but now that we know it doesn't mean anything, we can handle it. If it should get too much, we'll ask her to tone it down.

J's wife has lived in poly relationships in the past, but she can't imagine J letting her do that, since she doesn't think it would be something J would want (the two of them barely talk, so this is just speculation from J's wife).

So, my journey into poly is over before it really began...
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