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  #131  
Old 12-29-2011, 08:45 AM
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Wow, I finally pinned this one down!

I have some sort of an interest in my friend Ally, who has been mentioned before. Both Mya and Alec know I'd be open to having sex with her, and that I like her. I think neither of them would be ready for me to have a third partner. We are still working on stabilising our current poly-family.

Thing is, I feel pretty safe to say that I am not ready either. I definitely know that I cannot have a third partner with a similar level of involvement that I have and am planning for in the future with Alec and Mya. There are also very many factors which contribute to making that impossible for me and Ally, even if we both suddenly decided we wanted that (which we won't suddenly do, since both of us are very rational in our decisions, and that just would not make sense). What I see as potentially realistic for us is some type of friends-with-occasional-benefits arrangement, if both of us were in that place. I think I would be open to that, but I haven't got a clue if she is (or if she feels ready in her relationship; they are open but don't really exercise that).

So, when "adding a third partner" isn't something I'm considering, why is this on my mind? Well, firstly, the dividing line between 'a friend' and 'a partner' isn't excactly clear in my head. This doesn't just pertain to this situation, but in general: say that I have a close friend, with whom I sometimes have sex with, and whom I love, and if that love is mutual; isn't it just a choice of wording to say that this person is a friend with benefits and not a partner? For me I guess the choice of word would depend on how me and the hypothetical person defined our relationship to each other. But I'm not sure if that would be the important bit to my existing partners... I would think the feeling of not-ready comes from something more concrete for them.

Secondly, though, I have a problem with the fact that since I am so aware of the not-ready status of my partners, I find it hard to look at what I want outside of that context. I tend to do lot more of this hypothetical analysing with Mya than Alec, so I'm more aware of her specific/concrete boundaries than his, and regarding to the situation at hand none of the things she has said she would feel uncomfortable about (still not forbidding me from doing them) are anything I feel like would happen with Ally anyway. So I have no problem respecting my partners' boundaries (that I can identify). It's just that I find it hard to see in which ways I feel not ready, since I feel that we are not ready.

Maybe these kind of definitional problems are sometimes why people separate primary/secondary/tertiary involvement.. I will never be adopting those terms, but perhaps it would be useful to adopt the non-hierarchical alternatives we were trying to find in a thread at one point. Was it Annabel that suggested life-partner and love-partner? I think I would not be ready for another life-partner any time soon, if ever. Two is all I have energy and time for. But the line between friendship (particularly when it's with benefits) and love-partnership is somewhat arbitrary to me... I also do recognise that love-partnership can evolve into life-partnership at some point (as can obviously FWB and friends and any relationship with a person you've just met), and I am fine with that if that point comes and everybody feels comfortable. But since that feels very distant now, I think it would be fair to communicate to any potential sexual/romantic friends or love-partners that fact from the beginning.

Last edited by rory; 12-29-2011 at 08:49 AM.
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  #132  
Old 12-29-2011, 09:04 AM
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Still I continue to think about that, the boundaries. On second thought, I think I do know where Alec's boundaries lie around this, since they are not much different than they've ever been. If I did have a third partner, he'd likely struggle with same things that he works with now, except that it would all be more intense since more people would be involved - mostly, the impact of the new relationship on time he has with me and it's potential effect on future plans. These wouldn't be an issue with a love-partner regardless of love or sex, since I will want to spend time with somebody I'm close with even if it's platonic; and one of the differences between a life-partner and a love-partner (as I would define the terms to suit the conceptual difference I see) is the consideration they are given in life decisions. Though I might draw that line simply between a partner and a friend and there would be the dividing line; thus making this post and the previous one somewhat pointless? Well, whatever, enjoy my not-massively-important-nor-relevant-to-anything-at-the-moment-ponderings.
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  #133  
Old 12-29-2011, 05:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
...thus making this post and the previous one somewhat pointless? Well, whatever, enjoy my not-massively-important-nor-relevant-to-anything-at-the-moment-ponderings.
Hahaha, Rory, you are so cute.
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  #134  
Old 12-30-2011, 08:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hahaha, Rory, you are so cute.
I agree with you, nycindie.
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  #135  
Old 01-03-2012, 06:30 PM
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Rory is coming here tomorrow! I can't wait!! I'm also really looking forward to seeing how the three of us (me, rory and JJ) interact together since we've never done that, Alec has always been present before. And she's going to meet my mom and my best friend, too. That's great, I've waited so long to get to introduce her to them!

Sometimes it feels like it takes forever before we move to Wonderland (that's what I'm going to call the country rory and Alec live in from now on). In reality it happens in about 8 months now, that's not too bad, is it? The best part is that I've come up with so many amazing things to do in the meanwhile that I'm sure time flies and before I know it, it's September. I'm going to travel a lot. The next trip is already booked and that is obviously to Wonderland next month. This time I'm also spending some time with my friends in Dream City (that's the place we're all going to move one day) before going to rory's. After that I'm likely going on holiday first with JJ, then with rory and then with a couple of friends. And I have plans for the summer, too. Ah, it's going to be a grrreat year!
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  #136  
Old 01-06-2012, 11:38 PM
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Just a quick update. It's going great here! I'm totally enjoying being the hinge and JJ hasn't shown any signs of being uncomfortable with anything and neither has rory. Yesterday was amazing! Me and rory went to see my best friend and they got along very well. We decided to continue the night and went to a bar where one of my closest friends was working that night and took JJ with us so I was there surrounded by the people I love - JJ, rory and two close friends. I can't express how happy I was, we had such a good time! My friend really liked rory, she said she's smart, funny, sweet and very nice (and I agree obviously ). It feels good to hear that and have her full support for this relationship, too.
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  #137  
Old 01-07-2012, 09:56 PM
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I've had a terrific time visiting Mya and JJ. I've also managed to meet with several friends who live in the same country. It's been just wonderful. Not much to report beyond that. Why is it that I can write loads about the most insignificant issues, but then really great stuff is going on and I don't know what to say, besides that everything is just awesome.

It's been really nice and comfortable staying here with Mya and JJ. Even though me and JJ haven't spent very much time alone together, or seen each other that often, I feel like I've gotten to know him quite a bit, and I feel comfortable around him. I also like seeing Mya and JJ together, they are totally cute and happy. I can't say I feel anything but compersion and happiness about their relationship.

Me and Mya have had time to reconnect, it's been truly wonderful. This last time we spent apart was something like six weeks, and that started to feel way too long. It was like charging batteries when we got together, just a really dire need to touch each other for a long time and a lot. Such a craving for physical connection. The first night it felt like the time I'd be here, 5 days, could never be enough. But gradually that feeling passed, and now I feel reconnected. That feels really good. All the time I feel she is becoming a more important part of my life. And I really appreciate how much I can rely on her, I completely trust that she is there for me. And god, how I love her.

It's been nine months now. At the moment our poly life just rolls on, with only a little steering and effort. I feel happy and satisfied with all aspects of my life, both poly-related and not. I've loved spending time with my friends and mother-in-law and having a vacation from studies. And I'm looking forward to my courses starting in a few days (still gotta fly home first, hah).

Oh yeah, and we went shopping today, and I got nice clothes, and shoes I desperately needed, and they were all really cheap. And Mya cut my hair and it's so short and hot, I love it. <3 And I've been fed so well by Mya and JJ and by my friends when I've visited them. At the moment we have cake, which I will be going to eat now.
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  #138  
Old 01-09-2012, 09:47 AM
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Nine months, has it really been so long? All the best to you all!
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  #139  
Old 01-09-2012, 12:48 PM
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BlackUnicorn: Time really flies, doesn't it? It was nice to hear from you and thanks!

Rory went back home today. Everything went really smoothly with me, her and JJ. She met my mom yesterday and that went well, too. The situation was just as normal as I expected. My mom behaved well (didn't ask awkward questions or anything like that) and they seemed to get along. I'm so happy about my mom, she's amazingly cool about this. She even hugged rory when we were leaving.

I learned something about myself as well. I had absolutely no problem being with one or both of my partners all the time. I just fantasized about continuing it and living with both of them, that would be so good for me. Me and rory are so different in this aspect. I just need very little alone time and this visit confirmed it. I think I might not make a very good leg of a V if I didn't have another partner myself. I don't mind sharing emotionally but I might get a bit lonely. Oh well, if I ever end up in a situation like that (if for example me and JJ broke up), I would have to see how I'd feel in reality then. No reason to think about it now when it looks like I'd be able to keep this situation like it is.
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  #140  
Old 01-14-2012, 07:17 PM
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Thanks BU, and cool that you're back here.

I forgot to tell you that I met my brother and came out about poly (and bisexuality at the same time). He was pretty shocked, but other than that he didn't act any differently after a while. I do think he needs to process, so I'll get his full reaction later. But I suppose he'll ask me further info if he's confused. I'm 98% sure he knows nothing of poly, and I may well be the only non-heterosexual he knows. But I don't mind broadening his horizons, that's what big sisters are for, right? I didn't mention the word poly, but simply told him I have a girlfriend who I'm travelling to visit, and that Alec knows and is fine with it. I also added that he can ask me or Alec questions if he feels like it, and that me and Mya have a 'normal' relationship, except that the both of us have husbands. I'm really happy about that whole thing.

Another, non-related thing I'm happy about is that Alec has the new friends I've mentioned here before. He spent pretty much the whole week at their place when I was visiting Mya and meeting my friends. Alec always misses me when I'm away (no matter where I am, thus not poly-related) but this time he barely mentioned it, even though it was a relatively long time for us to be apart. I think really positive developments are going on in his life, and I'm happy for him. I also find that we are more compatible when he gets more of his socialsing needs met by other people, we can enjoy each other more.
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