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  #11  
Old 12-28-2011, 05:30 PM
PolyAus PolyAus is offline
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Thanks for the replies.

I never really wanted to be besties with Anne - far from it actually - I just want us to be able to be polite in each other's company, maybe all be able to attend the same event if we all wanted to go without it being uncomfortable, and communicate when we need to. Maybe I am underestimating how hard I'm trying and I'm being overbearing, but I don't interact with her online or ask her to spend time with me one-on-one, only go over when Bob asks and has checked with her first which isn't very often, and really all I would hope for is that she take a few minutes to say hi when I'm there, and use basic manners when interacting with me.

Why is this such a big deal to me? Having no hope for more life entanglement with Bob in the future is a major problem, so if me and Anne can't work something out in the future where I'm not the one making all the effort then I don't really know how me and Bob will pan out. I'm not okay with seeing him only twice a week for the rest of my life, put it that way.
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  #12  
Old 12-28-2011, 05:58 PM
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Hmmmm... If I were Anne, I might see some red flags in your thoughts and behavior toward Bob and your relationship. It sounds like you have your mind made up about all it all should go and how your future looks with this man, but you resent the hell out of his wife. Not good! In the throes of NRE, my husband's ex partner would plan out the future with him, with no thought to include me or ask my opinion about how I felt about 'their' plans. It doesn't set well and I don't think it would sit well with you if the tables were turned. I think you need to lay off the long term planning with Bob, relax (its only been 6 mos) and stop trying to push an agenda. Just enjoy getting to know him and enjoy your time together. Women are very intuitive, so I think his wife may let down her guard if she wasn't getting the vibe from you that you are trying to move in and re-arrange her life in such a short period of time... my opinion only, of course
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  #13  
Old 12-28-2011, 11:30 PM
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Originally Posted by JnR View Post
Hmmmm... If I were Anne, I might see some red flags in your thoughts and behavior toward Bob and your relationship. It sounds like you have your mind made up about all it all should go and how your future looks with this man, but you resent the hell out of his wife. Not good! In the throes of NRE, my husband's ex partner would plan out the future with him, with no thought to include me or ask my opinion about how I felt about 'their' plans. It doesn't set well and I don't think it would sit well with you if the tables were turned. I think you need to lay off the long term planning with Bob, relax (its only been 6 mos) and stop trying to push an agenda. Just enjoy getting to know him and enjoy your time together. Women are very intuitive, so I think his wife may let down her guard if she wasn't getting the vibe from you that you are trying to move in and re-arrange her life in such a short period of time... my opinion only, of course
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  #14  
Old 12-29-2011, 12:38 AM
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I can see how it seems that I'm planning the future with him too much, and I really am going to try to cut out all of that. Despite that though, most of the "planning" in regards to me possibly building a house with them years down the track has been between Anne and Bob. The first mention of this came up when I asked Bob once "where do you see us headed" as a fairly general question when we had been talking about my plans to buy an apartment alone and what areas might be good for real estate prices, and then he came back a few days later with a few hazy suggested plans for what he'd like to see happen with regards to us all living together that he and Anne had come up with. Every so often there'd be a little mention of "Anne would really like x in the house when we all live together" and that would be that. I've never even mentioned it around her because for me it's way too early to consider this as anything other than a possibility, and certainly there are no proper plans either side as to the practicalities of it.

To be fair, I have no idea if Bob is talking about this a lot with her and making it seem like we're all running off and planning to do this next week, but I can't be in the room with him all the time :P
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  #15  
Old 12-29-2011, 01:28 AM
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I never really wanted to be besties with Anne - far from it actually . . .
Hmm, that comment is quite telling.
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  #16  
Old 12-29-2011, 03:38 AM
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There's nothing saying that you have to be friends with a metamour but if you aren't I wouldn't suggest moving in together...ever. It's just going to make for a miserable living situation for all of you. Why are you feeling like you have to all live together? Is there a possibility that as your relationship develops that you will be able to ask for more time with him? Also if he can't meet all your needs is there anything preventing you from finding another relationship to fill those unmet needs?
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  #17  
Old 12-29-2011, 06:24 PM
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Maybe he is going on about it too much and too lost in his NRE when he is at home. Maybe it has little to do with you at all. Maybe he is just freaking annoying and wants this NRE stage to end. I agree with those that think you should hang on and wait. It has only been 6 months. That is nothing compared to the stabilizing that occurs from years of being together. You barely know each other in terms of how much time you could have together.

As to the manners bit; I have a friend at work that really gets angry when someone has bad manners. She takes it very personally and revolves all her friendship relationships around that. I didn't know that until recently and have been going through the realization that manners can be let go and I will survive. I have a thing about good manners too. She asked me if I was angry with her and it began a discussion that has lasted months and a lot of figuring out.

The long and the short of it is; let go of the good manners on her part and be as kind and smiley and considerate as possible. It might annoy the hell out of you but I bet, in some time, that she turns around and accepts your being a lovely gracious host to people in your life and starts acting the same way back to you. "Do unto others" and all that.
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  #18  
Old 01-02-2012, 12:30 PM
PolyAus PolyAus is offline
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Thanks for the advice everyone. Based on your suggestions, I'm going to try again with her, at some point. I need some space from her for a while to let me build up the energy to try and be friendly-no-matter-what again, but I'll get there I guess!
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  #19  
Old 01-03-2012, 09:05 AM
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Having lived in a poly family for almost five years now (I am the other wife u might say) I can only say from experience that in my opinion if uu are ever going to truly feel compersion and happiness as another partner u have to get along and have some kind of love and connection with your metamour. I knew and know that if this is going to last a lifetime, like I intend it to, you have to give a lot of your heart to your metamour too. Now I don't have a sexual relationship with my partners wife but I love her like my wife. To me she is my spouse as much as he is. If u don't have that in depth of acommitment to your metamour then in my opinion (and this is only if you are looking at the long term and esp if you want to live together) your relationship will not have the strength ang oomph to survive the inevitable fights, hard times, illness, etc that comes along in a marriage and relationship. It will get ugly and people will take sides and the already weak foundayion will dissolve without love behind it. I don't think id ever get in a poly relationship if I didn't love and feel committed to my metamour. I think it is unfair and cheats everyone involved. She deserves something out of this too. This is so true if u actually want to live like a big happy family!
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Last edited by redpepper; 01-03-2012 at 03:02 PM.
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  #20  
Old 12-24-2012, 04:30 AM
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Default What to Do When You Hate Your Metamour?

Hey all. I'm new to this board but not new to polyamory. My husband's been poly for 4-5 years. Me for about two.

Here's my dilemna: I hate the ex-lover of my husband and he wants to start up with her again after a three-year hiatus.

My question: If I hate her (and I mean the type of hate reserved for child molestors and serial killers), can this possibly work? If so, how can I or we make it work? And I just can't make it work, it is okay to say, I'm truly sorry hon, but I just can't do it?

The back story: We are college sweethearts. Married more than 20 years. One teenager together. Very much in love and each seeing a secondary and we all get along. His gf is single. My bf is married.

Before we were poly, about five years ago, husband and his ex-lover had an affair, I found out. I was devastated. They stopped (or so they told me; I later found out this was not true) and then about 8 months later he asked for an open relationship and asked to see her. I was not thrilled but consented. I was not poly and was not interested in seeing anyone but loved my husband and realized this was important to him and agreed to try it and see with certain rules. Plus, I did not like her for personal reasons and because she lied to me and tried to break up my marriage (yes, she admitted that she wanted him to leave me. Her husband found out about the affair and kicked her out).

So, they dated for a year. She pushed the boundaries at every turn, always wanting more and hoping he would leave me but pretending otherwise. He was clear about the rules and that if she could not get along with me, that was a deal breaker. Eventually it ended in major drama on her part and accusing me of all manner of Machiavellilan machinations. Only some of which were true ;)

However, he really liked spending time with her. And even though they broke up more than two years ago, she pestered him for over a year to get back together and he still misses her.

Which brings us to today. My husband has a healthy relationship with a great gal. No drama, but also higher maintenance. He would rather spend time with ex-lover, or at least add her into the mix. However, I simply can't stand the thought of her in our lives again. My blood pressure actually rises and I see red. I sincerely wish her ill. The year they dated was the hardest of my life.

I try to play this out in my head. What if I have no contact with her? If we are just honest and say we don't like each other and we won't interact? Would that work? How do I get around the feeling of contempt for my husband's interest in someone universally looked down upon my our social circle and whom I do not trust and who causes me such anxiety because she is such a disruptive force?

So, I guess what I am asking is, do I have to suck it up because it's not my gf, it's his? Or do I exercise veto power -- which I don't like to do obviously because I want my husband to be happy -- and say, honey, I truly wish the thought of her in your life did not make my blood boil, but it does.

Thanks for any insights.

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