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  #11  
Old 12-24-2011, 05:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zylya View Post
don't obviously check out girls, don't gawk and stare etc.
That, or get a pair of really dark sunglasses. The problem I had was that I kept bumping into things after dark.
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  #12  
Old 12-24-2011, 08:41 AM
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Heck, just because you ordered dinner doesn't mean you don't still want to look at the menu!
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  #13  
Old 12-24-2011, 07:57 PM
Marbit Marbit is offline
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@libelumcredo
Wow, your situation was identical to mine! when I go walking I wish there were no girls or that I hadn't glasses. It is good to find someone that overcame that situation. Do you still have the information? If you have it it would be really interesting although as you say logical arguments may not be the problem...now that you mention it the root of the problem may be that she needs more affection, more that I'm comfortable giving (and by affection I mean effort and time).
Well, it is going to be a hard talk.

@zylya
As you mention I may have screwed many things while trying to avoid problems.

Right now I'm in a different country than she is and from time to time she asks me "have you looked other girls?" and my answer is "no". I don't like to lie to her, at first I defended my point and as it was said I had two weeks of hell... it is like the bomb that you know its going to blow sooner or latter.

I'm talking with you because I don't want to keep that lie. It is horrible and it is impossible to hide and I'm not saying that I'm not subtle when looking girls but I'm very transparent and my GF knows how to read me and now everytime that I see an attractive girl I get nervous because I know that she knows... I shouldn't lie/hide or feel bad about who am I, I wont.

-----------------
OMG I'm telling you guys a lot and I guess the problem is not that I'm telling you.I trust you have no ill intentions and I'm kind of anonymous here. The problem is that this is one more thing that I feel that I'm hiding (and she will freak out if she discovers that I'm writing here).

Perhaps it would actually be a good idea to go to a counselor... but it would be difficult now that we will be in a country where we don't quite speak the native language.

Anyways, I really appreciate all your help guys, I was getting crazy.

Last edited by Marbit; 12-24-2011 at 10:49 PM. Reason: seeing is not looking - language issue
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  #14  
Old 12-24-2011, 10:38 PM
zylya zylya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marbit View Post
@zylya
As you mention I may have screwed many things while trying to avoid problems.

Right now I'm in a different country than she is and from time to time she asks me "have you seen other girls?" and my answer is "no". I don't like to lie to her, at first I defended my point and as it was said I had two weeks of hell... it is like the bomb that you know its going to blow sooner or latter.

I'm talking with you because I don't want to keep that lie. It is horrible and it is impossible to hide and I'm not saying that I'm not subtle when seeing girls but I'm very transparent and my GF knows how to read me and now everytime that I see an attractive girl I get nervous because I know that she knows... I shouldn't lie/hide or feel bad about who am I, I wont.

-----------------
OMG I'm telling you guys a lot and I guess the problem is not that I'm telling you.I trust you have no ill intentions and I'm kind of anonymous here. The problem is that this is one more thing that I feel that I'm hiding (and she will freak out if she discovers that I'm writing here).

Perhaps it would actually be a good idea to go to a counselor... but it would be difficult now that we will be in a country where we don't quite speak the native language.

Anyways, I really appreciate all your help guys, I was getting crazy.
Maybe this is just a language issue, but to me, when someone says they are SEEING someone, that means they're sleeping with someone. Are you sleeping with other people or just looking at them.

If it's looking at them, you're doing nothing wrong, if it's sleeping with them, then you are doing something wrong (based on your previous promise of monogamy).
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  #15  
Old 12-24-2011, 10:43 PM
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hahahaha language issue I'm not dating/sleeping with any other girl.
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  #16  
Old 12-24-2011, 11:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zylya View Post
Maybe this is just a language issue, but to me, when someone says they are SEEING someone, that means they're sleeping with someone.
And here is my language issue: by "sleeping with," you mean fucking - right?
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  #17  
Old 12-27-2011, 04:55 PM
liberumcredo liberumcredo is offline
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@zylya and @nycindie: I am pretty sure he is referring to looking at other women, as in, they pass through his field of vision and he thinks they are sexy. Marbit, please correct me if I am wrong. This is a real issue that (at least some) mono people have to deal with. Given the fairy tale version of romance, and the fact that women are not visually aroused nearly as much as men are, some women actually expect that their man will 'only have eyes for them', and will stop finding other women sexy. To them, comments like 'I'm married not dead!' are crass and offensive, and the people making them must not truly love their partner as much as they claim.

@Marbit:
I am a scientist, and English is my native language, so the sources I speak of might or might not help. The main idea is that when you see something, it is processed two different ways in parallel. The first and fastest is emotional, responsible for fear, arousal, etc, and is why you duck when you see a fast moving object in the corner of your eye without stopping to think about whether or not it is even going to hit you. The second, and slower, is the conscious recognition and thought about objects. These different types of processing actually take place in (largely) different parts of the brain; the amygdala (emotional) and the visual cortex (object recognition).

The basic idea that you are looking for is not easy to find on wikipedia, but is so well understood and accepted in neuro-science that it is also difficult to find any scholarly articles; it is just an assumed fact. Still, if you are so inclined, here is some reading for you. They deal with, and talk about, the needed information. You might start with the summary and conclusion:

http://dionysus.psych.wisc.edu/lit/a...ischJ1999a.pdf

http://dionysus.psych.wisc.edu/lit/a...ssoaL2005a.pdf

http://ahealthymind.org/csg/Members/...%20arousal.pdf

For a non-scientific reading try:
http://modernreject.com/2010/11/your...ervert-part-1/

This is all good for your understanding. You need to know that you are normal and good just as you are. The last one may be good for your GF as well, since it is from a female perspective. Still, when discussing (or arguing) with her I would focus much more on emotional needs that scientific debates.

When she asks if you have looked at other women, I wouldn't lie. I have regularly lied to my wife, telling her what she wants to hear to avoid a fight. It always ends up worse in the end. We end up fighting later anyways, and it makes her trust me less. I have made a huge effort in our marriage to stay honest, especially if it means we will have to fight over it. In this case especially be honest, because if you lie to her and tell her you have not looked at any other women you are feeding her delusion that it is possible for you to not look at other women. You have to pull her out of her fantasy world!

I am here for you!

Liberum
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  #18  
Old 12-27-2011, 07:16 PM
zylya zylya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by liberumcredo View Post
@zylya and @nycindie: I am pretty sure he is referring to looking at other women, as in, they pass through his field of vision and he thinks they are sexy. Marbit, please correct me if I am wrong. This is a real issue that (at least some) mono people have to deal with. Given the fairy tale version of romance, and the fact that women are not visually aroused nearly as much as men are, some women actually expect that their man will 'only have eyes for them', and will stop finding other women sexy. To them, comments like 'I'm married not dead!' are crass and offensive, and the people making them must not truly love their partner as much as they claim.
If you look at my first post, this is exactly what I said was the issue.

Quote:
@Marbit:
I am a scientist, and English is my native language, so the sources I speak of might or might not help. The main idea is that when you see something, it is processed two different ways in parallel. The first and fastest is emotional, responsible for fear, arousal, etc, and is why you duck when you see a fast moving object in the corner of your eye without stopping to think about whether or not it is even going to hit you. The second, and slower, is the conscious recognition and thought about objects. These different types of processing actually take place in (largely) different parts of the brain; the amygdala (emotional) and the visual cortex (object recognition).

The basic idea that you are looking for is not easy to find on wikipedia, but is so well understood and accepted in neuro-science that it is also difficult to find any scholarly articles; it is just an assumed fact. Still, if you are so inclined, here is some reading for you. They deal with, and talk about, the needed information. You might start with the summary and conclusion:

http://dionysus.psych.wisc.edu/lit/a...ischJ1999a.pdf

http://dionysus.psych.wisc.edu/lit/a...ssoaL2005a.pdf

http://ahealthymind.org/csg/Members/...%20arousal.pdf

For a non-scientific reading try:
http://modernreject.com/2010/11/your...ervert-part-1/

This is all good for your understanding. You need to know that you are normal and good just as you are. The last one may be good for your GF as well, since it is from a female perspective. Still, when discussing (or arguing) with her I would focus much more on emotional needs that scientific debates.

When she asks if you have looked at other women, I wouldn't lie. I have regularly lied to my wife, telling her what she wants to hear to avoid a fight. It always ends up worse in the end. We end up fighting later anyways, and it makes her trust me less. I have made a huge effort in our marriage to stay honest, especially if it means we will have to fight over it. In this case especially be honest, because if you lie to her and tell her you have not looked at any other women you are feeding her delusion that it is possible for you to not look at other women. You have to pull her out of her fantasy world!

I am here for you!

Liberum
You talk about her emotional needs and give him no help on how to deal with them specifically. Being honest is NOT ENOUGH. He needs to make her aware that this is uncontrollable and is therefore a HARD BOUNDARY. He literally cannot control it, so he needs to communicate that fact, and not allow her to attempt to control him by getting angry at him for looking at another woman. Of course, at the same time, he needs to make sure he's not DISRESPECTFULLY looking at women - i.e. obviously checking them out while he's with his girlfriend. Noticing women is not something he can control, but leering is.

Quote:
And here is my language issue: by "sleeping with," you mean fucking - right?
Yes, sleeping with is colloquial for someone who you're fucking on a regular basis, although without any implication to the commitment.
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  #19  
Old 12-27-2011, 07:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by liberumcredo View Post
Given the ... fact that women are not visually aroused nearly as much as men are...
Not a fact at all. This has been denounced as a myth for quite some time now. Don't know why this nonsense still gets perpetuated.
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  #20  
Old 12-27-2011, 08:35 PM
liberumcredo liberumcredo is offline
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@zylya: My misunderstanding then. Also, I agree that I am not giving him enough help on *how* to work on the emotional needs area. Hopefully someone more emotionally intelligent than I can help fill in my gaps?

@nycindie: Really? Do you know who denounced it, or where their study is? I can't find it, and I am interested in human sexuality so I would appreciate the link.
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