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  #21  
Old 11-11-2009, 02:30 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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If you re-read this you'll note differing goals, differing aproaches to poly and differing concerns towards sex.

IMO holding on to the friendship is what is important here.

Neither of you should deny who you are and what you want. It's not healthy in the long run.
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  #22  
Old 11-11-2009, 02:40 AM
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ACK.
Potential.
I fell into that trap. There needs to be WAY more than potential. in my case, he never lived up to it, and the dynamic was way too familiar to the on between you and Legion now. We both wanted things to work for a while anyhow... and it was just hard, always! Like we could never get on the same wavelength. It was incredibly frustrating.
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  #23  
Old 11-11-2009, 02:48 AM
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Potential is a bad word, I know. I remember a friend of mine from long ago telling me to never date a man with Potential. "If he ain't got it now, he ain't never gonna have it" she said.

I guess seeing the potential sets up expectations. You see what Could be, what Might be, and then come in phrases like "If Only". Expectations. That's another bad word.
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  #24  
Old 11-11-2009, 03:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nyx View Post
I'm sorry, but I am confused....she is asking if you can sleep together yet and you respond 'I know you're scared, whenever you think you're ready"...? Who was waiting for who here?
I meant I knew she was scared of forming an emotional bond. ( I was cutting to make it about 10% the size of the original message.) I was waiting for her to get the courage up to engage me not just on a sexual level but with emotional intimacy as well.

As for the rest, I think Mono is right, pointing out those three very important differences. I want to share my life with Nyx, but then I am gone from the country for a portion of every year, travel for work; admittedly a bit of a nomad. I thought perhaps we could remain connected and share some of our time/space.

My views about lovers came because I don't like to be limited I don't want to limit others, but realistically I think the branching should stop somewhere or loop back in to make a circle. I have had limited experience, really, the largest extension I've been in was myself, two g/fs both of whom had one other lover.

The views on sex I feel have changed, esp. when Nyx and I were together. I actually never slept with anyone else while we were together and had planned on following a "fluid bonding" pattern if and when I engaged a new sexual partner... but we broke up before that event.

I felt more responsible, since I was responsible not just to myself but to her as well. A good correlation is my motorcycle driving. When I'm alone, I sometimes go really fast but with a passenger I am much more circumspect.
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  #25  
Old 11-11-2009, 03:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nyx View Post
The problem with L is that he is a person (self-professed) who is inclined to 'risk it' and that bothers me more than I think he understands.
I'm not even close to done reading-but on this I have to disagree.
The problem isn't with L here. It's with compatibility. It is OK that it bothers you more than him-but that isn't a problem with HIM. It's a problem in that you are on differing pages.

IF he doesn't understand how much that bothers you-again that isn't a problem with L. It's a problem with COMMUNICATION between the two of you.

I read your thread, his thread, some related threads. My response in his thread I think holds true for my opinion all the way across.

I think you two are totally missing the point.

It's not about "love me" or "love you" or even "love someone here and someone there".

IF you want a RELATIONSHIP you have to COMMUNICATE.
Not talk.
COMMUNICATE.

Name calling, yelling, walking out, these aren't helpful in communicating.

Slow down!

TAKE ONE PERSON'S SINGLE SUBJECT

For example, YOUR take on safe sex.

You say ONE sentence, he repeats it back in HIS OWN WORDS "If I understand you correctly you are saying _____. Is that correct?"
If so you say yes. JUST YES.
Then he can ask "is there anything else.

You get THREE sentences. THAT IS IT.

Then it's his turn and you do the SAME THING.

Once he gets his three you switch again.

KEEP GOING until you BOTH understand each other's point of view.
THEN GO HOME and digest it.

THEN come back and do it again about dealing with it.

Example:

"I don't feel I can have a sexual relationship with you because I don't feel safe with your terms".

"if I understand you correctly you aren't feeling safe and therefore you want to stop having sexual relationshions with me. Is this correct?"

"yes"

"anything else?" [no sarcasm, be sincerely interested]

"yes I love you very much and I want to be friends but I don't know how to change the dynamic of our relationship without hurting you/me."

"if I understand you correctly you love me and even though you don't feel safe enough to have sex with me you want to remain friends but aren't sure how. Is that correct?"

etc etc etc.

You get the picture???

God the posts you two wrote sound like Maca and I fighting before we started doing the communication training! Believe me-for as obnoxious as it might sound-it freaking works. After 11 years together-we suddenly found happy. ANd I do mean SUDDENLY-the DAY we started doing the step I outlined above.

Counselor says all the time
"connect before correct"

Connect-make sure you understand, then correct misunderstandings so you can make adjustments and then decisions.
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  #26  
Old 11-11-2009, 03:27 AM
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Thanks LR, I am really quite excited to give this a shot!
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  #27  
Old 11-11-2009, 03:40 AM
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LR, you should add that to the communication thread

Legion and Nyx, there are other good things worth checking out about communication on that thread too, particularly Rolypoly's info on Non-Violent communication techniques.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255
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  #28  
Old 11-11-2009, 04:25 AM
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Default Yes ma'am

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...ed=1#post11727

I posted a more in depth example using your topic Nyx and Legion on the communication thread.
Hope it helps.

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  #29  
Old 11-11-2009, 08:47 AM
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sorry, I'm a bit confused... you two are broken up, yet you are working on this like a couple not broken up.... why? because of history?

Legion, I was lead to believe by other posts that you are a free spirit that just wants to have lots of girlfriends... I'm all for lots of girlfriends. I don't think it means that at the end of ones life there is a feeling of having been loved and that makes me sad, but what the heck, I don't think everyone has that goal in mind anyway. I also think that eventually many women will get hurt as, it seems to me, that as we age we tend to want to settle more and the women that you may date might have this in mind and be hurt by your free spirit. I was considering this when I read the hurt that NYX was going through. She seems to be a woman that wants to settle into something long term, close to home and good for a family style relationship. Sooooo, what are you two working towards....???? That may be the first step in communicating.

Legion forgive me if I am surprised that you actually have some depth! and actually are willing to work on this. Even if you aren't getting back together, it will be beneficial in the long run anyways..

good luck you two...
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  #30  
Old 11-11-2009, 05:21 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Default In my opinion

NYX,

My take..my opinion..not necessarily right or yours

I'm not sure why you have delved into trying poly other than wanting someone to love you. That is apparently a very basic human need so I understand trying to accept something that goes against your nature and core feelings.

I imagined myself in your shoes with a partner like Legion (no offence intended Legion, this has nothing to do with judgement, I just wanted to see if I could relate to her circumstances). I didn't last a minute LOL! The ties I have between sexual intimacy and commitment are way too binding and I’m fine with that. I know and like who I am, take me or leave me.

In fact I was somewhat in your situation when I met Redpepper. She had other male interests developing as she got to know me. At first I thought I could just take what "I thought I needed" from the relationship and she could do whatever. As soon as my feelings deepened, (which was very quickly) I knew that I could not give her what "she needed" if our relationship was to be so open.
The difference for us is that we came to an understanding of how each of us could commit deeper and work towards a very specific future. Did we both compromise...of course! No real relationship comes without compromise.

I think you simply are not poly, or poly relationship capable at least not in the approach Legion takes to poly (again no offence…people have different ideas of poly..that’s why I actually am coming to despise the word, it means fuck all, open relationship is at least understandable…sorry..tangent.)

I truly think you should focus on your friendship and the type of connection that works for you. Don’t lose the friendship you have in trying to salvage the love you want.

That’s my 2 cents.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 11-11-2009 at 05:23 PM.
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