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  #21  
Old 11-11-2009, 05:05 AM
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I tend to be more like you, Legion. I need that freedom and trust of a partner that you describe. Ideally, what my partner does when I'm not around is part of who they are. I don't want them to change who they are because of their relationship with me.

Once I have a strong connection with someone, I like to share in their life. Whether it's the quote they read in the bathroom stall that got them thinking, the cup of coffee they like in the morning or the hot chick that made them melt on the way to work... it's all part of who the person is and what makes them tick.

That said, I completely understand where Nyx is coming from. I like what LR has said a lot. You two have different styles, it seems. And that your definitions need to be stated up front.

The man who introduced me to poly helped me come to terms with the "rules" I felt comfortable with. We had conversations about what he could/couldn't do without asking me first. I slowly grew to be more comfortable with the idea of him kissing another woman and then coming home to tell me about it.

Quote:
Yeah, I admit, that's a bit of sarcasm there... but also somewhat in a realistic vein.
That wasn't meant as a judgement. Just an observation, (oh boy, here I go NVCing again). Whenever something sarcastic comes out of my mouth, it's because I'm not fully expressing how I really feel.

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Good to see you are still on the forums!
Aww! Thanks. Sorry I jumped to conclusions so quickly in that thread.

ie: Please Understand Me. I think LR was referring to the Kiersey Personality Test: http://www.keirsey.com/sorter/register.aspx
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  #22  
Old 11-11-2009, 09:51 AM
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This whole "withholding" that you speak of in your first post Legion makes me think of when I have been in other relationships. I was a big "withholder" due to my not wanting to hurt others and to have some kind of semblance of "mine" in terms of my thoughts, feelings and secret memories. I still don't make a habit of telling everything that goes on in my head at every second. I tell it when it seems relevant and appropriate to do so.

That being said, something as important as a kiss needs to be told as soon as possible if it was not previously discussed as a possibility to begin with.... it takes practice I have found, to be tactful, honest and respectful of peoples feelings. It is an art form for some and just a way that some have. For me it has been a life long practice. Much like learning how to meditate properly... it doesn't just come to me, it needs work and refinement to be honest and open while not trampling on others feelings.

You are a work in progress in other words glad to see you are working on it all, regardless of the result with NYX.
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  #23  
Old 11-12-2009, 04:26 AM
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Part of "withholding" is that not every thought you have in every instant is instant intellectual property of your partner just because you are in a relationship, open or otherwise. I know I had Nyx over at my place the other day and as she left had a conversation something like:
N:"hmmm... I just thought of something."
L:"What?"
N:"I'm just going to wait and see, I don't need to say it yet."
L:"Okay."

I asked her about it a few days later and she didn't even remember what she was thinking. This might bother some people but I'm okay with it. Whatever. We have something like 8 million thoughts/feelings/memories a day bouncing around in our domes. "Tact" is about knowing what to say and when to say it. Complete honesty is a good ideal but should be tempered with a little wisdom and tact.
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  #24  
Old 11-12-2009, 08:52 PM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Legion View Post
I was in another relationship before Nyx that was an open relationship. I might go to a party, talk to another girl, get a number, go on a date, maybe it didn't work out. I would mention it to my partner later that week or maybe not, but it wasn't a big deal either way. It seemed well understood that those sort of things would happen and we didn't need to fill out a full detailed report on every little incident. Now if the date went well or we were interested in someone and knew things were progressing, we would talk in more detail.
Here it is again. Comparing the dynamics of one relationship with others you have had. You had agreements and ways of doing things and such with all other partners and you consistently believe that any relationship currently and ahead of you is/should have the same dynamics. I am NOT those women. There might be minute similarities, true, but if you expect to succeed in poly or any relationship for that matter, you will have to stop seeing all relationships you have as the same basic one. If you want to have a "take me as I am, I will do whatever I want whenever I please and if you try to stop me in any way, you should leave the relationship" then maybe you SHOULD start saying that up front.
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  #25  
Old 11-13-2009, 12:30 AM
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Nyx, are you feeling unseen because you would like the terms of your relationship to be based on the two of you? And not previous/other arrangements?

It sounds like Legion is used to and needs a certain kind of freedom. And it sounds like the terms of that freedom doesn't work for Nyx.

Is there something that Legion can say or do to you, Nyx, that would help you feel valued? I'm wondering if there's some kind of compromise that would both allow Legion the freedom he needs and the reassurance/communication that Nyx needs?

roly
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  #26  
Old 11-13-2009, 02:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nyx View Post
Here it is again. Comparing the dynamics of one relationship with others you have had. You had agreements and ways of doing things and such with all other partners and you consistently believe that any relationship currently and ahead of you is/should have the same dynamics.
I use the same principles that I do in other aspects of my life. If something worked before or is working, then use the working model. If something is NOT working, I need to change something about it. I use experiences from the past to see what works and what does not.

I understand that each person is unique and the way we interact/cohere is just as unique. Things will not always work the same for each dynamic.
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Often he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been rent asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: neither could any man tame him...and he asked him, What is thy name? And he answered, saying, My name is Legion: for we are many.
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  #27  
Old 11-22-2009, 05:08 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Legion,

Just going to try to offer a little insight into where you are at at this moment.
The hope in polyamory is to be able to nurture strong, meaningful, trusting relationships. Without going into a big, long lecture about "communication", I want to emphasize it.
I think, from our experience, that you are downplaying the need for more good communication. It's not about "control". If two (or more) people care deeply about each other, and are acutely aware of all the fears we naturally inherit, you soon reach the point of understanding that communication is the water on the fire of fear. To say again - it's NOT about "control" i.e. whether there is some damand or explanation of your every move, it's about realizing that our every move has the POTENTIAL to impact those we care about.
That make any sense ?
If we do choose to acknowledge that as a fact (?), AND we do truly care and love the people in question, then it just behooves us all to try to share as much about our day as is practical - given time constraints etc.
Think of it this way.............
If you were out sailing some day and had a beautiful school of dolphins accompany you most of the day - wouldn't you want to share that with the people you care about ? Why is a connection with a person any different ? Share the experience - and let the conversation flow where it will. That's how bonds form
Also - and I hope you don't take this wrong, but I think you are at a particular point in your life where "freedom" is extremely important. It's a rite of passage - especially for males it seems. Your writing exhibits it, your footer you chose for your posts emphasizes it.
Freedom is a wonderful thing, but with it comes the burden of "responsibility"

Ya think ?

GS
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  #28  
Old 11-22-2009, 05:48 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Legion View Post
Maybe I shoud start to take the initiative and say "I don't think we're compatible."
FTW!

Based on what you've reported, I would have been out of the relationship with Nyx in short order. The freak out over going to coffee would have been the end of it, certainly; that would clearly illustrate incompatibility and that the whole thing isn't going to work. You're each better off finding folks who are compatible.
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  #29  
Old 11-22-2009, 07:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post

Also - and I hope you don't take this wrong, but I think you are at a particular point in your life where "freedom" is extremely important. It's a rite of passage - especially for males it seems.

GS
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  #30  
Old 11-23-2009, 06:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Freedom is a wonderful thing, but with it comes the burden of "responsibility"
Do you mean the responsibility to communicate? I am figuring as the rest of your thread is about that, but I'm confused?
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