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  #81  
Old 12-20-2011, 09:10 PM
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Default Catching up on the latest developements

I noticed that there are many topics we discussed or things that just happened which I never got the time to mention up to now. I will try to catch up on that.

Worrying:
First of all: Success! I was able to not think any further than the directly given answer I received after asking if everything was OK. *cheers herself on* Yeay I went on a walk with Sward and noticed that he has been feeling a bit off the evening before (he was cuddly) and asked if something was on his mind. He said “No, everything is alright.” And I didn't gave in to asking if that was really what he wanted to tell me. *looks proud* I am getting better with this stuff.

Pictures:
And as well in regard to the topics of the latest posts: I uploaded some pictures to spare me the effort to do any more personal description in vain … When I was done answering to Carma they both asked me what I was skipping back and forth the net for (too many words I had to look up actually to write even three sentences fluently ). both shook their heads and suggested I should just upload some pics, that would be much easier. So true. So, we are now saying 'Hi' officially with some faces coming along with the names you already know.

Bed:
Lin's bed was getting on our nerves since the day he bought it. The head piece had some loose pieces of metal in it and it clanged, rattled and creaked a bit every time we moved. Lin and Sward fixed it by welding the pieces. Finally peace at night

Tenancy changeover:
In regard to our plans to add some patter of tiny feet to our everyday life in the upcoming years, we talked about how much sense it would make to renovate our flat now. How long we are going to use it and when we would have to move out because of the lack of space. There would be a nearly perfect apartment right above us btw But we decided that we could live in this flat for the next three years and therefore made concrete plans how the first steps for the redecoration and refurbishment. But those plans were delayed by all of us getting ill …

Illness:
I was the first to catch an inflammation of the throat. It got worse and I got the flue. With slight symptoms of stomach flu. Sward was the second one to fall ill. He was the first one to feel better as well. But then it hit Lin. He has quite a delicate condition and though he just got a common cold, it took him up to today to get better. He has had fever till yesterday. I was really worried because to my mind any illness he catches can mean trouble. He hates that I am this worried during that times, but I can hardly stop. If his condition would worsen ever, he could simply die. I can't get something like that off my mind in those moments.

Frustration:
This point went hand in hand with the health problems. Yesterday evening would have been a night I was going to spend with Lin. But he was so weak and tired that he went to bed early. I asked him if he would like to sleep alone or if I should come over later. He said it would be the same to him. I was a bit upset by this answer. Why no clear answer if he wanted to have company or not? And why this indifference? Displease frowning, take one. I asked again, pointing out that I would love to hear a personal opinion on the theme. Answer: “Well, yes of course you can come over and stay with me tonight. But I will sleep early and I am sweaty and so on.” Still no personal utterance if he wants/needs me with him. Very impatiently frowning on my part. “I want to know if you WANT me to be there!” 'Why is she getting so worked up' is written all over his face while he said “But of course I want you to spend the night with me, why shouldn't I?” Sigh …

The difference between Lin and me is that I need someone to be there to comfort me when I am ill. (I think I wrote about that already.) He has been ill most of his life, he is used to handle this by himself. I completely misinterpreted his self-dependence as a sign of indifference. While all he had on his mind were practical aspects for my benefit. Lastly I stayed with Sward that evening but I recognized how frustrated I got. It was the second night in row where I couldn't sleep next to Lin and he has slept most of the days as well. I was missing him and I noticed that I got egoistical as well. He needed a good night's rest to get well again and all I was able to think about was that I wanted to snuggle. When I realized my problem, I got even more frustrated … Sometimes I really don't like my neediness and demanding character.

I will cover the other points the next time I am able to write more, I am still not done with the my list ^.^
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  #82  
Old 12-20-2011, 10:10 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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When Lin is feeling better, you might want to have a discussion about his needs when he is sick. Me, I don't want anyone around me, except to bring me the necessities (so in the next room is OK). I get anxious and can't rest completely if they are trying to cuddle me, but then I feel guilty and don't want to tell them to go away, so I put up with it.
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  #83  
Old 12-21-2011, 06:29 AM
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Sorry you've been ill. Also, I was wondering if you've thought of why you got so frustrated with Lin when he didn't tell you whether he wanted you to spend the night with him or not? I see that you didn't offer your own opinion about it either, though you then missed him. I don't think you should beat yourself up and think you're too needy, but ask for something to get your need of closeness met. He may not be able to give it if he doesn't feel like it, but you won't get it if you don't ask. (If only I would learn to take my own advice... I guess it's a process.)

Nice to see some pictures of you. All three of you are so hot.. I mean pretty.
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  #84  
Old 12-21-2011, 08:43 AM
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I was too tired to keep on writing, therefore the lack of further explanations. But you are good in catching up on your own as it seems

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Me, I don't want anyone around me, except to bring me the necessities (so in the next room is OK). I get anxious and can't rest completely if they are trying to cuddle me, but then I feel guilty and don't want to tell them to go away, so I put up with it.
If you leave the anxiety part out, this pretty much covers Lin's reasoning. He didn't know how to respond, balancing the options 1. being alone and rest (what he wanted) and 2. being with me and spend some time together (what mainly I wanted). Lin is a thoughtful and considerate guy, he would think about what I want and need even in such a situation when he feels completely like he has been through the wringer and uncomfortable because of his illness.

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Originally Posted by rory View Post
I was wondering if you've thought of why you got so frustrated with Lin when he didn't tell you whether he wanted you to spend the night with him or not? I see that you didn't offer your own opinion about it either, though you then missed him.
I got frustrated because I felt disconnected, wanted to share some intimate moments, was prevented from doing it by his illness and got no clear signal how he was thinking about the matter (meaning: more disconnecting going on in that moment). When I noticed that it was all mainly about my needs without considering Lin's, I got upset with myself because I didn't like how my in a way egocentrical behavior impinged on Lin. He wanted to make room for my needs even though he would have been in the position to have his considered as top priority.

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Originally Posted by rory View Post
I don't think you should beat yourself up and think you're too needy, but ask for something to get your need of closeness met. He may not be able to give it if he doesn't feel like it, but you won't get it if you don't ask.
I am the dominant one in our relationship(s) and I always asked for something. Someone made a comment on how negative it could be, if there is more than one alpha male in such a relationship structure … well, we haven't got alpha males, we have me Sward and Lin are both personalities that want to please, care a lot about my wishes and consent to my opinion when decisions have to be made. Not in a D/s kind of way or something like that, I just tend to have the upper hand and manage to have my needs met primarily.

Because of this underlying dynamic I was upset about myself when I tried to push the buttons in a situation where I was doing some kind of harm to Lin. He needed his rest, I wanted to be with him, he knew what I wanted and started considering it despite looking out for himself. If you now add that I can be a mule at times and love to try to get my way you understand why this worried me and I became mad with myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
(If only I would learn to take my own advice... I guess it's a process.)
Similarities over and over again, just what I said concerning the advice I gave to you. I haven't put all of it into practice as well ^.^'

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Originally Posted by rory View Post
Nice to see some pictures of you. All three of you are so hot.. I mean pretty.
Hrhr Thanks a lot for the compliment.
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Last edited by Phy; 12-21-2011 at 08:46 AM.
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  #85  
Old 12-23-2011, 11:41 AM
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Default My family

Well, let's continue with some of the rest that has been on my mind lately.

I have been shopping with my soon to be brother-in-law because we have drawn each other to be each other's secret Santa. And I wanted a new pair of trousers and some pullovers. Therefore he had to go shopping with me. During the day he directed the conversation on the topic of Sward, Lin and me and what all fo this was planned to be in the future. His first question was: “What about when you are going to have children? Do you plan on 'keeping' Lin around then as well?” I said that that's what we planned to do and that Lin was meant to be the godfather and so on. Those were our plans when we came across the topic some years ago when we (Sward and I) first discussed the possibility of having children. He went on about his thoughts of our situation and that it had stirred some hustle and bustle when we told my family of Lin's moving in and the neighborhood as well. Of course I was quite curious to finally hear about the reactions of those around us and I kept on carefully interrogating him while we had lunch.

That's what he told me: My sister was furious and disturbed when she heard the news. She needs certainty and routine in her everyday life and she has a strong sense of family. Her alarm bells went off when she heard that another man was about to move in with us. Was everything alright with Sward and me? What would happen if I was about to replace him with Lin? Why was he tolerating me doing something like that and moving the new man in of all things? To give a little more insight into the impact this would have caused for most of the people near to us: They all really like Sward. Really, really … Sometimes I am not even sure if my mother would stick to me if we were to separate -.-' It appeared to be a great threat to have a new person in the picture that none really knew. If we come clear about our relationship status, this will be a huge obstacle Lin has to face. They all think highly of Sward.

Therefore, her first reaction to this was going enrage and consult our mother. But, to my surprise, my mother told her to leave it be and let us do what we see fit. That it wasn't their place to meddle in our affairs. This enraged her even more and she went to see her soon-to-be husband. But he told her the same. He explained to me, that he had always thought that I was just different. That he fully believes in me doing what I want and how I think things should be. 'Regardless of the consequences?' I skipped in at that point. 'No, I know that you would always look out for everyone to be happy with the given situation. But you are just how and who you are. It wouldn't surprise me if you three got a ménage à trois going on.' I could hardly refrain myself from patting him on the back with appreciation. He was totally cool with the thought. But as we had agreed on not bringing up this topic before Christmas, I just said thanks for his good opinion of me.

But, in regard to my sister, all this was just a gut reaction. We felt some of it during the first visit of Lin and during the first weeks after the moving in. She gave him the cold shoulder and picked on every little thing that she found unacceptable in his behavior. This matter is pretty much settled already. She adjusted to our new living situation and is alright with Lin being there (even gossiping about a former friend when he was there and lend her an ear ). Most of this positive development is due to Sward being visibly OK with the things that are going on and the rest of my family not panicking about it.

My brother is totally unaffected by all that is going on, but I didn't expect anything else. He is a very solitary person and never gets involved in the matters of others too much. He is a student as I am and we tend to see each other randomly around the campus or when we travel to university by train. I met him once in the morning, when I was in a bad mood (the quarrel with Sward and Lin some weeks ago). The first thing he asked me: “What did your two men do to upset you?” *big smile on his face* - “My men?” - “How else should I call them? Those two that foolishly decided to live with you despite they ought to have known better?” Love his humor

Even my father, who seems to like Lin quite a bit has said something along the lines of 'Let the kids do what they see fit.'

After all this info, I was so relieved … I was feeling like cuddling my to-be brother-in-law. I know that the real deal may cause some uproar nevertheless, but all looks quite promising at the moment.
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  #86  
Old 12-26-2011, 11:06 AM
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Talking Merry Crhistmas

Just wanted to stop by for a moment and wish you all Merry Christmas! Stay well, I hope you are having a good time. Lovely greetings from Sward, Lin and Phy

And @ Annabel: There you are, Lin sandwiched between the two Germanic giants
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Last edited by Phy; 12-26-2011 at 11:09 AM.
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  #87  
Old 12-26-2011, 11:56 AM
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What a lovely picture of you guys!
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  #88  
Old 12-26-2011, 03:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
And @ Annabel: There you are, Lin sandwiched between the two Germanic giants
Wonderful! And not actually all that different from what I pictured, after you'd described everyone's coloration. Lovely pic.

Merry Christmas!
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  #89  
Old 12-28-2011, 01:53 AM
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Unhappy Christmas - Negativities

To sum up why I am wide awake in the middle of the night: I am restless. Again. I tend to be like this around Christmas and I really don't like it. I can't find my inner peace and it takes away the joy I normally feel in everyday life. I had to get up after falling asleep early, during a really relaxing massage Sward was giving me, because I was constantly tossing and turning, unable to stay asleep peacefully. Oh, how I hate this. It's a feeling like I forgot something, something really important and I am unable to remember what it was, but I know that it needs to be done right away. If not, something really bad will happen. If anyone knows how to counter this, feel free to tell me, I really suck at dealing with it.

But, as I am awake and don't know what to do, I decided that I can give an overview on how things went over Christmas. To follow up with an older topic (weight stuff again): the demented grandmother of Sward as well as a mutual friend of us were eager to tell me that I really put on some weight. Great, tell me something I don't know already … I mean, the grandmother doesn't recognize her own grandchildren sometimes, doesn't know who Sward's sister is, because she tends to change her hair color from time to time, but she knows exactly that I have been more slender a year ago. The mutual friend was really drunk when he told me, that he would offer himself to me if I was ever in need of another man (long story, mainly around Lin, I will come to that later) but that I should loose some weight beforehand, I looked so much better some years ago. His personal moment of glory regarding consideration and sense of tact.

But well, all this wouldn't have resonated with me so well, if I hadn't been unsatisfied already. Something positive on that front: Sward needs to do his sports rehab at a local fitness center and I decided to finally stop lamenting about the status quo and do something about it. I have a trial session on Thursday and Lin will accompany me. He needs to get active again as well and we decided to start our training now.

Up next, the incidents around Christmas. As I am really moody at the moment, I will stick to the negative ones.

I got into an argument with my father. The last one of this kind happened some years ago and I was really dumbstruck when it hit me that he was still the inflexible, grumpy and highly egocentric person I tended to not get along with during my teenage years. We don't see each other much normally and I forgot how things were back then. Got a thorough brush up on that front. And I consider myself really lucky to have the opportunity to just leave nowadays if something like this happens. It doesn't make much sense to argue with him, I know that I am able to corner him quite soon (as a matter of course, he would never confess any faults), but I didn't wanted to create too much of a tense atmosphere, because my mother would have been the one to suffer the consequences.

The other argument, or better strong discussion I faced during Christmas, was initiated by said mutual friend I already mentioned above. He is our neighbor, Sward's best buddy and groomsman and really worried about his well being and the whole why-has-another-man-moved-in-with-you-business. But he has been too afraid to ask for the truth behind it up to now. And he only did (well in fact, he was never able to voice the spot on question, he got around the problem constantly) because he was dead drunk. We came together at a birthday party of another friend on the 25th and after a bottle of whiskey he was finally able to speak up. But he was still too afraid to talk to Sward and as he considered me to be the one in charge for any decision to be made, he confronted me.

I know that he was just worried. I know that something like poly relationship structure is so far off his radar that he isn't able to consider this an option even in this situation. His worries went in the direction of 'something happening between Lin and me along the way because we get along so well'. And me leaving Sward for the new one or damaging our relationship beyond repair. And I know that a couple he and his wife were close friends with faced a major life crisis because of an really unhealthy person they got involved with in a vee. (The live-in boyfriend of the wife abused their daughter and probably their son for years. Really ugly story that I was told that evening finally and so hard to believe as I knew them briefly as well.)

And as he is unable to wrap his mind around the whole business he lumps in all the negative possibilities at once without considering the actual persons involved or the given situation at hand. Obviously, it was futile to really try to explain what we are up to at that moment, therefore I told him that he has every right in the world to worry about a friend. We know each other since I was little, a whole nother bunch of complicated feelings on that front for him to face, as he seems to be attracted to me and unable to get this notion because I have been the little girl next door who sat in the sandbox with the hands up in the air, because I was afraid to get too dirty, who later on was so tall that she was able to get over the wooden lattice fence without opening the gate. He is a man in his mid-forties but quite young at heart.

Our friends tend to be older than we are, and in this case it seems to complicate the situation. What I got out of that evening was the strong conviction that the matter will take time. Lots of time actually. The only way to convince them that everything is fine and that we are happy is by showing them. They will not listen to explanations because they are unable to understand how this could be possible. *sigh* we will see …
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  #90  
Old 12-29-2011, 04:44 AM
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Default Christmas - Negativities II

Here I am, awake again …

My bad mood and disturbance was impossible to overlook. That's why Sward and Lin had a good talk about it when they went to buy sports shoes for Lin (our training starts today). Over the day I discussed with both of them, what could be possibly biting me that much. While trying to explain to them what this is about, I came across the answer.

Lin was the one to state the simple facts: I need control. And by the way, it was a great moment when he came up with that explanation, it was like it always used to be when we were still so far apart and he was able to analyze me even though we never met. I felt the same connection again and was so glad that this special part of our friendship didn't die along the way. (I don't know why I was surprised by that, I kind of anticipated this connection to get lost with our new intimate relationship.)

But whatever, he was right. All this uneasiness and restlessness boils down to me feeling like I lost control. I need to be in charge and I need security. Around Christmas I tend to breakdown the events and do a kind of achievement check. How much has changed in my life? How many 'little successes' did I achieve? Have I moved closer to the 'big goals' I want to obtain in the long rung? There is so much that I see along my way and so little behind me and saved within my reach.

I am impatient and I am greedy. I can't change the fact that the disc prolapse of Sward endangers his job and reemployment next year. I can't change the fact that Lin has a hard time finding the right field of work because of his heart condition and age. Can't change that I would love to have a stable future to raise children soon. Can't change that I feel pressured by the exams and the stuff that needs to be done around them next year. Can't change that I am still wary about our new relationship structure and that I still have a hard time feeling secure about the steadiness and permanent nature of it. Can't change that I would love to just be open about all that is going on in my life and that I have to wait and trust in time to do the work that is necessary beforehand.

All this makes me feel powerless. I can't cause any change or improvement right now and I have to wait for it to be done by others, mostly. This is so against my wish and nature. To feel better I just have to get some things done. I have to watch out that I don't start doing things for the sake of doing things obviously, but I know that I will only feel better, if I have the feeling of having achieved something. I need some little successes right now.

I envy Lin. He is able to see the simple fact that he is with me now, that we managed the whole uproar this year and are now able to be together, as such a huge positive development that all the uncertainty in the future doesn't count. Such an optimist. He told me, that even if I am not a materialist, money still makes me feel secure. I don't need fancy things but I need the knowledge of having the basic needs met in the long run. You can't live on love alone.

Sward's take on the matter was similar. He is going to get employed again, he will be able to heal his back and stay healthy in the future, things with Lin and him and I are great, nothing to worry about. They both understood what I was talking about but both of them where sure that 'Phy the worrier' is at work again. Well, after yesterday my little depression seems to dissolve slowly today. Both of them are really good at convincing me that things are alright. I hope that I will be able to tell all the positive things that came up over Christmas the next time I stop by.
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