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Old 12-13-2011, 11:18 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
This may sound silly, but I think it depends on how you define falling in love. Some people would define a sense of connection and strong positive feelings for someone they haven't known as long as infatuation, not love. What does falling in love mean to you?
Exactly. The definition is different for everyone. I have tried defining it various ways, but the truth is, I don`t know if I love someone until the bad things happen, and my feelings for them don`t waiver. Otherwise, it`s just infatuation.

There is someone right now that I can include in my I-Love-Them-List, but they haven`t a clue, and never will. It wouldn`t be appropriate to pursue them,...on either side. This knowledge doesn`t torment me. When I love, I just tend to accept the feeling, and keep my life heading where it needs to, regardless.

Many people seem to get this 'feeling' and then try to control the outcome of everyday life based on that feeling. I think this is where 'falling in love quickly' can present problems. It becomes too much, too soon.
AKA,..using that 'hold' button doesn`t hurt.
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Old 12-13-2011, 11:19 PM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
This may sound silly, but I think it depends on how you define falling in love. Some people would define a sense of connection and strong positive feelings for someone they haven't known as long as infatuation, not love. What does falling in love mean to you?

Some people might argue that being able to press the "hold" button on your feelings mean it's not really love yet... being able to put a hold on your actions, of course, is a necessary skill and a totally different thing. Which does your hold button control, feelings, actions, or both?
For myself, I take being in love and infatuated to be synonyms.

(Infatuate = to make fatuous, to make foolish. That's about right.)

I don't know how to put a hold on the feelings, only on choices and actions.

It may be that, over time, feelings will respond to choices that push consistently in a certain direction. We can develop habits of self-control (Aristotle would say), or habits of reckless self-indulgence . . . which may make the feelings themselves seem more or less intense, resisting them more or less painful.

My wife is convinced it is possible to "kill a crush" - that is, to squelch the infatuation, not to eliminate the person at whom it is directed!!! - by deliberately neglecting it. From the usual 12-18 months, she has on occasion reduced that to a mere 4-5 months . . .

"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" - Charles Darwin

"Mystical explanations are considered deep. The truth is that they are not even superficial." - Friedrich Nietzsche
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Old 12-13-2011, 11:33 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Besides the quick IN LOVE when I was 20 I had with my ex-husband, with my other experiences I felt love first, and then it developed into IN LOVE. I guess working that way is why I haven't fallen out of love with anybody, and why I tend to still love people years later once I feel it. I tend to assume that it's not "in love" until I know it's going to last, but it's interesting to hear that some people consider it the opposite way with the terminology.

Can't say I wish I had all those vivid emotions that surround NRE so I could experience it the opposite way. I fear hurting other people's feelings (as well as not wanting my feelings hurt) way too much, so I would do almost anything to avoid thinking that I was falling in love with somebody, acting on it/sharing the feelings with them, then realizing a few months later that I was wrong.

Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
For myself, I take being in love and infatuated to be synonyms.
I tend to look at that completely the opposite, as I have only felt that I was IN love with the two men I've married, and one other relationship, and since two of those things grew from liking to love to in love over time, I figure that is just the way I work. I have been infatuated with people occasionally, but that usually makes me feel a bit..sick inside, so I identify it as being an unhealthy feeling. I also only experience immediate chemistry with people every 2-3 years, and only a couple of those were people I've dated, people tend to grow on me instead, which also might be why I have the definitions I have of them.

edit: merged two posts so some of this stuff I just said is repetitive but so be it!
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 12-13-2011 at 11:54 PM.
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Old 12-17-2011, 03:34 AM
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StumblingAlong StumblingAlong is offline
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I have had 3 LTR's not counting my current triad. With each one I knew with in days that I was more than just infatuated and in the throws of NRE. For me NRE tends to wear off pretty quickly usually with in 4-5 months. I guess because while the euphoric high it gives is fun at first it exhausts me beyond belief and i quickly refocus on the rest of my life that took a temporary back seat to the NRE. I don't always fall fast for someone but when I do fall I very quickly can tell the difference between the NRE and the lasting emotions and feelings I will have for the person.
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Old 12-26-2011, 10:23 AM
Hunter85 Hunter85 is offline
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I personally find the differences of "Love" and "In Love" depend
on mutuality.

I can see that someone could love another even if that other doesn't
exactly feel the same way. Not a bad thing I suppose unless the other
completely rejects the feelings and sees it as something to be
purged by fire or something. That just seems like a waste of energy
better spent on someone who at least appreciates the sentiment.

Being "in love" to me implies that both parties feel "Love" for one another

That being said, I may actually love someone at the moment.
Even though I have only known her for a couple of months
and she's leaving the country next month, we have
spent some quality time together. But what I think might be the
biggest factor when thinking about if I love this person is the
empathy and compassion I have for her.
She's opened up to me about a past boyfriend's...how to put it
delicately...undesired sexual assertiveness? As such, she
lives with a constant fear of repetition and has trust issues (understandably)
but when she told me I could see the hurt and tears in her eyes
and I felt for her to point where I was on the verge of tears myself.

The amount of time I think isn't as important as the quality.
I usually take the "Quality over Quantitiy" approach.

I'm rather empathetic to people. I know I'm not the only person in
the world and as such I do my best to see things from others point
of view and better understand folks. And a little compassion can
go a long way.

I dunno, maybe I'm just a loving person. I've been a hateful person
before and it sucked. It was like ingesting poison and hoping
someone else will suffer from it. Really pointless.
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