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Old 12-25-2011, 04:34 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Default Need some perspective

Need some perspective from people who understand. Sorry this is likely to be rather lengthy.

Back story:

I was part of a long term MFF triad that only ended upon the death of our spouse. She and I are still in close contact, but felt like we needed to explore the world on our own after his death. I reunited with a childhood friend to whom I've always felt very close, although life took us in different directions and our contact was sporadic. It was fantastic. Turns out she and her husband had, had an ongoing threesome with a woman over a period of time. She did not live with them. It came to an end because the woman had a mood disorder that became very difficult to contend with. It was very tough on my friend because she loved this woman; my friend's husband liked her well enough, but did not love her.

So when I came into their lives my friend's husband and I found we had great connection, and the triad scenario comes up. I'd had such a good experience that I was eager to experience the magic again. My friend was a little worried given their previous experience but supported the idea. Once we began discussing my moving in, my friend began painting beautiful mental images, speaking of a moonlight marriage, rings, and tattoos. If I had any reservations she erased them.

Everything went well at first. My friend's husband was so sure this would be a beautiful thing because he loved his wife, I loved his wife, and he and I had a very strong connection. And yes, our connection quickly became love. And that's when it hit the fan. Apparently, it was all okay, when we were just fucking, but when he and I developed a love for one another, my friend freaked. It was all downhill from that point and no matter what we tried, there was no fixing it. We tried for the better part of a year, but she decided that he had betrayed her in coming to love another woman. (I really wonder what she thought was going to happen.) Throughout the downhill, which included a cessation of sex (months ago), I kept trying to remove myself from the equation, but neither one wanted that. The unfortunate truth is that my presence seems to have exposed problems in their marriage that they both knew would not be fixed with my leaving. However, I finally did leave.

So although we are still in close contact (despite everything) I find myself living alone, and their marriage is full of contention, no real intimacy, with underlying fears of divorce. Oddly enough my friend doesn't seem to want me out of her life. And the bond I have with her husband is stronger than ever. (The sad truth is that he and I are more compatible than they are. After being privy to their private lives, I have no idea how they made their marriage work as long as they did. They are so different from one another.) I still love them both. (I mean really, how do you “un-love” someone?)

I know her husband will not divorce my friend. He believes that once you make a commitment you stand by your word. (One of the reasons I love him, although it's definitely not working in my favor at the moment.) And they have two children. My friend is the wild card in the divorce scenario. She does not believe that he can love her as much as he ever did and love me too, and she seems unable to re-frame this so it is any way acceptable. The knowledge of the existence of his love for me is intolerable. It matters not that he has done everything she's asked in regard to me. He offered to cut off all contact with me, but my friend regarded that as harsh and told him it wasn't necessary (after harping on him for weeks after I moved out about how he had more intimate communication with me than her. Of course it doesn't help that she has little interest in discussing the topics that interest him. That was a problem before I entered the picture). My friend is in school at the moment, and her husband fears that once she is finished with it, she will leave.

So I here I sit loving them both, mourning what could have been. And the truth of the matter is if my friend did divorce her husband, he and I would be together. Although he knows it's unfair to ask me, her husband would like me to wait before getting on with my life to see what happens. While my most fervent desire is to be with him (no actually, my most fervent desire would be to have what the three of us initially had, but I've given up hope on that), I'm finding it psychologically difficult to do that. First of all, it makes me feel like a vulture, hoping something bad will happen to them (although honestly their marriage is so injured that I'm not sure divorce would be that bad). Secondly, it makes me hold out hope for something that may not come to pass, which will only add yet another layer of disappointment and pain on to what I've already suffered.

But the fact of the matter is the love I have for this man is like a siren song. I keep trying to think about just dating, in order to get another perspective. I went out with one guy a couple of times, and it really didn't work for me. I can't tell if he just wasn't the right guy, or if I'm just too fucked up emotionally to deal with it. But I know I'm not going to un-love my friend's husband, (or her for that matter although she has made me very sad and at times angry), so while yes, it may come to pass that they will divorce, and I will have the man I desire, if they do not, I must be able to move forward at some point in spite of the the strongest emotional tie I've ever experienced in my life. I've got no freaking clue how to do that.

With all of the emotions involved and unlikely to change, it's like we're still in a triad, albeit the most fucked up one on the face of the planet.

So any perspective, advice, insight would be wholly appreciated.
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toxic relationships, triad fallout

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