Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 12-23-2011, 02:08 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by riftara View Post
My question is more on a should I shut up until it is a problem or freak everyone out and tell them the possibility, which I mean its a possibility every month, and we all know this, but bringing that possibility to light may have long-reaching relationship problems for me which Im not sure if its worth omitting the truth until I find out if I am pregnant or not
I think it really depends on if we're talking about option A or option C. Option C, if you're pregnant, has the most destructive consequences, so that doesn't seem like a good choice. Lying by omission in option A isn't so bad, as long as you come clean about whose baby it is and how it happened if you do end up being pregnant (don't they deserve to know?).

I still like option B best because it's what I would want from a partner if, y'know, I was capable of impregnating a partner. I would want to be trusted enough to be given the truth about an important issue that affects us both even if my partner was afraid it would hurt me, or hurt our relationship, to know. Trust is just way too important to me, and I want actual trustworthiness from my loved ones, not just the appearance of trustworthiness while they hold back the tough stuff.

So, in order of preference, B, A, C. But I'm getting repetitive now, so I'll stop.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 12-23-2011, 03:15 AM
BigGuy's Avatar
BigGuy BigGuy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: East Central Illinois
Posts: 118
Default

I'm sorry you're going through this stress.

I think you should tell them.

These are the risks we take when we play with loaded guns. A good scare might encourage F to take a more active role in BC. Might not, but it might.
__________________
Me: 48 - Married, straight, male
OkCProfile
Shiela: My wife.
Suzanne: My FWB
Adam: Shiela's LDR
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 12-23-2011, 03:54 AM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Honesty is always the best policy as far as I'm concerned. If it turns out that you are pregnant and don't say anything (even though you know it's a possibility) I think that it's going to be worse for everyone involved emotionally than if you deal with it now.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 12-23-2011, 04:05 AM
riftara riftara is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: GA / TX
Posts: 188
Default

Derby - its only a few weeks, and if I say something now and then Im not preggers, then I brought a lot of grief that wasnt necessary

This is what has me pulling between a and b, is the grief brought on by b worth the revealing of the whole truth

or is it better to keep it to myself for now, for this two week wait, and deal with it when its needed, or pass over all grief if it not needed
__________________
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband


M - John's girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 12-23-2011, 04:19 AM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Everyone who has responded to you has told you that option B is your best bet. It is, of course, up to you what you do but the feedback here seems pretty definitive.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 12-23-2011, 04:20 AM
riftara riftara is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: GA / TX
Posts: 188
Default

I also dont want it to look like Im trying to get attention, so Im leaning toward a because of that too
__________________
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband


M - John's girlfriend
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 12-23-2011, 08:32 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 602
Default

It sounds like you had made up your mind in advance.

You don't tell them because you want to protect them from grief ... I know this sounds harsh, but that's the argument of cheaters. If they were ever to find out, hell will break loose, don't you think? And why? Because they would have wanted to know and would want a say in the matter because it is to some extent their right to know. One of them is as responsible for this as you are.

I don't believe in any party having more rights when we talk about a pregnancy. It may be the body of the woman during the first months that is more important, but after that time, both parents have the same responsibility. Just because you will be the first one to know what is going on, shouldn't give you the right to handle it on your own.

If you don't want a child for yourself and want to take precautionary measures to make sure you won't get one, it is the time to talk to them now.

If you would be ok with a child and won't make a step to prevent receiving it now (just take precautions from now on), then wait till it's sure that you are pregnant and tell them. There is the possibility that you aren't pregnant still, but you can't change what happened at this point in time.

None of you was up to this possibility and both (all three) of you should have a say in a matter that will affect everyone greatly for the rest of their life. That would be my take on the matter.

Good luck with handling this tough situation and making up your mind.

[Edit. Because I am missing YOUR wishes here kind of. What do you want? Another child? How important would it be if F was the father for your husband? How strong are your families mixed? Would it make a difference (like: this is my child, this is yours or our (meaning all three of you) children)? Some of the questions that came up when I asked my men about their opinion, we would be in a similar situation like you three if it were Lin to be a possible father and not Sward.]
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog

Last edited by Phy; 12-23-2011 at 08:54 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 12-23-2011, 08:57 AM
nixndrew nixndrew is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 15
Default

Go to the pharmacy and get plan b.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 12-23-2011, 09:08 AM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 496
Default

In a similar situation I would tell and insist both of my partners treat me with respect and caring. They have a right to know and to express whatever emotions they have. They do not have the right to be jerks. It was a big mistake, and sometimes in life people make mistakes. They have a right to know that you made that mistake. They do not have the right to insist you be perfect, because nobody is. If that mistake causes F to think you are unreliable with birth control, he needs to choose what he does with that perception, i.e. use a condom or not have PIV intercourse with you. He doesn't have a right to guilt-trip you or pressure you to keep the baby or in any other way act like an ass; it is up to you to stand up to yourself and demand respectful treatment. I find it worrisome that you don't see that as an option, it seems that since you made a mistake they have a right to take their sadness/anger out on you. They don't.

And even though you were the one to make the mistake, it doesn't absolve them from responsibility: you are all in this together. Firstly, F should know sex (I mean hetero-PIV intercourse but don't feel like writing that every time) can cause pregnancy, and if that happens both parties are responsible for that. He knows you have somewhat different opinions about herbal/morning after/abortion: if he feels strongly about that stuff he cannot pretend that bc is 100% effective and then take it out on you when it is not and try to pressure you into decisions you don't want to make. If he seriously has such moral objections he needs to make sure you don't get pregnant (with his baby), i.e. not have sex with you. Secondly, John should know the same about sex. If you have sex with him you can get pregnant. If you have sex with other men, you can get pregnant with their baby. If there is no way he can handle his partner possibly getting pregnant with somebody else's baby, he should not be in a relationship with somebody who has sex with other people. When you both agreed to an open relationship, he took on this risk. Thus, you are not the only one responsible for this situation.
__________________
Living with my partner Mya and metamour Hank. Seeing Lily.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 12-23-2011, 06:18 PM
riftara riftara is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: GA / TX
Posts: 188
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
If you don't want a child for yourself and want to take precautionary measures to make sure you won't get one, it is the time to talk to them now.

If you would be ok with a child and won't make a step to prevent receiving it now (just take precautions from now on), then wait till it's sure that you are pregnant and tell them. There is the possibility that you aren't pregnant still, but you can't change what happened at this point in time.

None of you was up to this possibility and both (all three) of you should have a say in a matter that will affect everyone greatly for the rest of their life. That would be my take on the matter.

I would be ok with another child, in fact I do want more, I think that is why Im having so much trouble with this. If I knew 100% that I didnt want one, Id tell them and take steps to make sure it didnt go any further, but Ive already done this once, because I skipped a period when I started my birth control and even though I trusted my birth control to work, I had a dream that I was pregnant and it freaked me out a bit so I took precautions to make sure if I was pregnant (never got a positive test) that it would go no further. I dont want it to look like Im trying to get attention, but at the same time I dont want to hold anything back from them.

I think Ill split the difference, Ill tell my husband everything, and wait to tell F until after I know or not. Unless my husband thinks I should tell him. I mean, I wont do anything to prevent it this time. Im not going through that sickness at the same time Im withdrawing from one of my bi-polar meds.

I guess staring at my husband across the table isnt going to do much. I thank you all for your advice, look to my blog for how it turns out.
__________________
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband


M - John's girlfriend
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:59 PM.