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  #21  
Old 05-18-2009, 09:24 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Do you think that he feels that you're only interested in this lifestyle as a means to get back at him for his infidelity? Just a thought. I also ask because like you said, he wasn't scared to do that 3 years ago, but is hesitant on losing you now. What's changed?

As far as the life you're suggesting, I would imagine anything is possible so long as all parties involved are open and honest with each other. My questions is more of, is that what you really want? Do you want to just love your bf and be intimate with someone else? Wouldn't you rather have both with both? The key is that you all have to be happy with the arrangements whatever they may be.

I also think that if he's not completely comfortable with the situation yet, that you shouldn't be with other people yet. (Just my opinion, it's completely up to you to determie what's best for you) If you both aren't on the same page, then he might begin to build some resentment towards you because you're doing something that he's not totally happy with. Even though he's saying that he doesn't want to lose you so he'll deal with it. You don't want him just "dealing" with it, you want him to understand and be a part of it.

Let us know how things work out!
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  #22  
Old 05-18-2009, 09:52 PM
Goldhart23 Goldhart23 is offline
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No, it really is not a payback type of thing with me. I had plenty of offers after he had cheated, but I turned them all down, because at the time, we both believed monogamy was the only option. The lack of sex thing has been a constant problem with him all along. He also had this problem with the other girl. I think it has something to do with his life-long depression problem and high performance anxiety. He seems to have no problem watching videos and relieving himself, but when it comes to doing it with a real woman, he is never very successful keeping an erection. I was always understanding and patient about it and we've used Viagra sometimes, but it's too expensive so we can't get it very often. He is 41, by the way, and so is the other guy. I'm 47 (but look 32! )

In the meantime, I've been grappling with feelings I've had for him and this other guy, but just tried to ignore the feelings. When I read about Polyamory, I felt it might be just the solution for me...and maybe even him. I found out recently that he still has feelings for the girl he cheated on me with, so maybe it's time for him to explore that relationship again, guilt-free. However, we both think she would not be open to it, because she always put lots of pressure on him to leave me when he really didn't want to. I even befriended her by email, giving my consent but telling her she needed to let him do whatever he needed to do to figure things out. But she just wouldn't accept that, and even though she was married and cheating, was trying to force rules on my boyfriend.

Back then he didn't want to lose me either, but felt a strong pull towards her, so he just saw her without telling me. After I found out, he stopped seeing her briefly on his own accord, he was so scared I'd leave. But I didn't. I told him to go and see her and see how it would be, if that's what he needed. So they did for a while, and he still saw me, against her wishes. After about 6 months, he said he didn't want to be with her anymore and broke it off. But last summer, he was missing her and feeling bad about leaving her that way, and was thinking of writing her a letter, but then didn't. I don't know why not.

So....I think the Polyamory lifestyle just recognizes the fact that people can and do fall in love with more than one person at a time. I think it's right on the money. I'm talking to some friends in my community to see if they've heard of it and just trying to create some awareness around here. I see we have a slew of people nearby on waiting lists for Poly meetup groups. Maybe I should start one?

Barb
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  #23  
Old 05-19-2009, 12:35 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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As my wife has informed recently, it's obvious to her, that even though I've always been faithful to her in our 27 year marriage....that I am definately poly.....I can't argue with that. I am the guy in "I love you, man"...the guy with only girl friends. Obviously this other woman can't handle the poly lifestyle, thinks it's sick or is just possessive over "her" man. None of these bodes well for you, your guy or the poly lifestyle. Possessiveness cannot exist in poly. Even though you and your guy may want and be into the poly situation and give your permission, she won't necessarily want to deal with it. She wants your guy to her own and that's that.

Ovbiously it takes a certain mix to make the poly lifestyle work. That's the key. It's tough under even the best circumstances. How tough is it to find the perfect mate? Then another perfect mate, yet or another?....very tough
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  #24  
Old 05-19-2009, 02:42 AM
Goldhart23 Goldhart23 is offline
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Thanks Mark. Yes, it's very interesting all the possible combinations people can be involved in with this lifestyle to make things work. I first thought that, in my situation, if I had another boyfriend, then it would only be fair for my boyfriend to have another girl...but it doesn't (always) work like that. As mentioned by others, some couples have only one person who is poly and that's okay. Others don't think it's fair if the other person isn't happy with it and you should wait. I'm really interested to read about all the various types of experiences people in this lifestyle are going through. You all are really opening my eyes!
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  #25  
Old 05-19-2009, 01:32 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Barb,
I'm glad that you're finding some of the answers that you're looking for. This forum is great and I so so so so so wish that I had it back when we started. LOL Anyway, There are definately many types of poly relationships out there that can work for you and your situation. It's just like any other relationship when you think about it. No two mono relationships are identicle are they? Nope, and poly is the same way.

Make sure that you have those open lines of communication, and when I say open I mean completely open no holds barred kinda open, and talk talk talk. Make sure that everyone is open and honest about their feelings and before you know it, everyone comes to a happy place. It's gonna take time, no question there, but if you're all willing, then it will happen.

Also, keep in mind that if things don't work out with the person that you're currently "with" don't assume that a poly lifestyle won't ever work. Sometimes that perfect fit comes along when you aren't expecting it. Just like everyone else, you've gotta "date" in the poly world too. One bad "date" shouldn't stop you from trying again.

Looking forward to seeing how this works out for you. Please, ask any questions that you might have.
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  #26  
Old 05-19-2009, 05:54 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Goldie....my situation involves a "V", myself and two women. I am the only poly one in the house. They each love me individually and while best friends, have no sexual contact or desire between them at all. At first, I thought it was only right for each of them to have another guy if they so felt they needed that in their lives. Neither of them does, so they tell me. They are both very monogomous people. And truthfully, we wouldn't be in this poly relationship now, if not for us first over many years develpoing the mutual friendship and love groundwork. I'm not sure how I would react or deal with "poly dating"...with them and other guys.....it seems to me that would be "swinging" that later on might evolve into a poly relationship/living situation. I don't know how I'd handle their swinging.....I'm so new to this. Please take it with a grain of salt.
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