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  #11  
Old 11-10-2009, 07:48 AM
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legion or not, this guy is playing games and is just not interested or able to be in a deep meaningful relationship. Either he is young and unable to comprehend yet what deep relationships are, or he is just not interested in that and thought it was a much better idea to masturbate in you and this other girl and lead you on by telling you how much you mean to him.... just so he could keep getting off.

I would have to air on the side of finding someone who deserves your love, trust, hard earned time and clean sex. Personally I would ask him out right what his game is.... just to see if he actually answers, and go from there.... I would give him some very forthright honesty and openness and call it a day...

well not quite, I'd go get tested, as I bet he fucked some other girl before you thinking that it was "kinda" safe.
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  #12  
Old 11-10-2009, 04:30 PM
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Default Honesty vs. Games

Like a sledgehammer to a house of cards.
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  #13  
Old 11-10-2009, 04:52 PM
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Setting aside the issues he's clearly bringing to the relationship (and certainly NOT to belittle their importance, especially with regards to safe sex practices), there are a couple of niggling things in my head about this.

First, didn't you break up with him? So why are you drawn back into this if you already ended this a month ago?

Second, it's my understanding that you got involved with this relationship knowing that he was poly and knowing that you could be, but needed to work some stuff out about it. I would suggest that if you intend on getting involved with another poly person, take the time to work that stuff out *before* you get involved instead of while you're involved. It'll probably save you a lot of drama in the long run.

But stick to knowing what your needs are, being very clear about them and recognizing when something isn't working for you.
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  #14  
Old 11-10-2009, 08:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Manno View Post
Like a sledgehammer to a house of cards.
oooooo, I like that! going to remember that saying!!!
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  #15  
Old 11-10-2009, 10:43 PM
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hmm. this thread was started after Nyx and I's convo last night. 1st and foremost I'd like to repeat a little folk wisdom I heard somewhere. "There are three sides to every story. My side, your side and the truth."

Quote:
"They decided to not use protection as they felt it fairly safe."
- To clarify, we had a convo where I stated that my only partner the last year and a half has been Nyx. I was tested shortly after Nyx and I got together, more than 6 months since contact with my last unprotected partner who had also tested clean. Nyx had also been tested. My new partner, Bee, stated that she had tested clean in January and had sex with one person since then, with whom she used a condom. We both are tested regularly, though I usually have been tested every 6-8 months, I have not been tested since the time after Nyx and I became partners.
We have/were/are not sleeping with anyone else, since (including Nyx). The only risk I feel we took was the risk that we could be lying to each other about our Hx.
Fairly safe? Fairly safe. 100% safe? No. But hardly anything I ever do is, be it driving to the grocery store or being dropped by helicopter in the middle of a 60,000 acre fire. But I have conversations, get STI testing, wear my safety belt and attend training sessions in hopes that these actions will mitigate the dangers to a reasonable extent.

This is not safe enough for Nyx. Example: she sent me a link to this article about fluid bonding, testing, 6 months, more testing. I can't find it. But it seemed like a good safe way to do business, I agreed; then she told me that wasn't safe enough and sent me an article about Syphilis; no fluid exchange, contact with sores. That's fine. She wants to take the safety to the next level. I'm fine with a safety belt, a driver I trust. Maybe the car has an airbag, a rollbar, maybe not. Maybe it's safer not to get in the car at all.

Nyx and I talked last night about Bee and I's sexual interaction and how Bee told me she wanted an NSA relationship but that I:
1. Turned her down on that offer. We had an email exchange I will paraphrase here
"B: Can we sleep together already or are you stuck on your "relationship" thing?
L: you mean my stated desire for intimacy with someone I have sex with? another 1 night stand won't do either of us any good...I know you're scared...I am waiting...Sorry if it's so frustrating but...Whenever you think you're ready...
B:I hate you for somehow being able to understsand me. i dont know what i want anymore."

2. as illustrated by the convo above, I saw the motivations for Bee's desire for an "NSA" but also that those motivations were based on fear of repetition of past undesirable relationship patterns. I explained this to Nyx in greater detail last night, which makes it frustrating to see statements misleading the understanding of the situation as a merely genital interaction on either Bee's part or my own.

So that's the subject of safe sex. There's two other issues I see here, one being honesty/openess the other being a little bit of clarification on how I could "...risk losing our relationship, which he claims is SOO important to him, in order to be with this girl who only wanted to have sex with him?" Which I will now go start another thread on and place it here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Manno View Post
Like a sledgehammer to a house of cards.
or like the big bad wolf to a strawman... I feel I've been tagged and bagged here as some philandering player, not the man who met Nyx when he was 18 and after over a decade was finally reunited with her... (more complete story here)...flew halfway across the world (Israel) and moved to be with her in a town where she was the only person I knew, lived with her, shared moments like her and I in the bathroom delivering her son. The only person who showed up to his 1st birthday party that she planned yesterday.
Not to toot my own horn too much.
Yeah, I "fucked some other girl before you", dozens of them, in fact. I've had one night stands, sex with people I hardly knew. Actually, in our late teens, Nyx and I were one of those sort of couplings. I doubt we knew each other more than a week before we were having sex; in retrospect, I wouldn't change a thing.

I don't know if I'm crazy, Nyx is crazy, both or niether. She called me a psychopath on the phone last night and I admit I don't really know, maybe I've got some deep seated psychological issues and I can't communicate properly or I'm subconciously manipulating everything to some purpose that my concious self isn't cognizant of. I don't know. And I also see things she does and wonder like when she broke up with me and told me she was only happy when my other pursuits were sabotaged or she was sabotaging them. Or the "safe sex/fluid bonding isn't safe enough" thing... is that just another blockade? Idk... but as I say in the other thread I started I know we love each other and I know we would like to find a way for us to be together AND happy.

(haha my goal was to be as succint as possible here.... an impossiblity for me)
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  #16  
Old 11-11-2009, 01:24 AM
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All you have to base this relationship (be it friendship, or lovers) is on past behaviors. Only you know what you feel is right. Others have given their comments, but I wanted to say this: Don't expect people to change. Maybe you two just are not on the same wavelength, and there isn't a bad guy/ girl in either of you.

I am sure there are things that you have realized from this, that you might want to take a look at in yourself? Look carefully, and honestly, because I am sure they will come up again in future relationships. Watch out for patterns in behavior that make you unhappy - either in yourself or in someone else. You only have control over yourself, and fortunately for you, who you are attracts like-minded people... so imagine what you would want, and strive for that.

I really wish you the best of luck.
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  #17  
Old 11-11-2009, 01:48 AM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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Looks like a case of having to agree to disagree. Legion and I have very different perceptions of the same scenario. Neither of us is right, neither is wrong in the larger picture. Unfortunately we all only have our own perceptions to go on. He and I had a conversation today about how only our own opinions of ourselves are the only ones we can really believe as we can never get inside someone else's head and see ourselves as others do.

Coincidentally, as he was leaving my house, as has happened many times when we have argued, there is this awkward tension as he gets on his bike. He inevitably leaves without saying goodbye. This time, I asked him why he alway does that - leaves without saying goodbye. And he replied, to my surprise, why do you always make me stand here awkwardly without saying anything?

It's laughable how we can't see our own actions and some things we will never notice or even think about until someone points it out to us.
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  #18  
Old 11-11-2009, 01:49 AM
Incognito0330 Incognito0330 is offline
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So from what I gathered is that there is a lack of smotth communication between Nyx and Legion. You two seem to have a good connection but you need to figure out what you each want. Obviously safe sex is important so no need to beat a dead horse there. My wife and I have been swingers been open and finally realized polyamory was the right road for us. During all this open honest communication was the key. Sounds like the three of you need to get together over dinner and seriously and calmly talk this out. Better make that a public dinner, I recommend The Olive Garden. Good luck to the three of you and I hope it all works out. If nothing else try to atleast be friends.
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  #19  
Old 11-11-2009, 01:51 AM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Legion View Post
"B: Can we sleep together already or are you stuck on your "relationship" thing?
L: you mean my stated desire for intimacy with someone I have sex with? another 1 night stand won't do either of us any good...I know you're scared...I am waiting...Sorry if it's so frustrating but...Whenever you think you're ready...
I'm sorry, but I am confused....she is asking if you can sleep together yet and you respond 'I know you're scared, whenever you think you're ready"...? Who was waiting for who here?
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  #20  
Old 11-11-2009, 02:19 AM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post

First, didn't you break up with him? So why are you drawn back into this if you already ended this a month ago?
I guess I am drawn back into it because I see potential. I hope that I can get through whatever it is that is making me jealous and crazy and break through to the other side where things can be good.

I am beginning to see that, although I am new to the idea of poly, there are definitely some things I like and could work with and might even be an ideal situation for me. Unfortunately, I am also beginning to see that there are some huge communication deficits between L and I that are proving to be an even bigger issue than sleeping with other people. Lately things have been constant intense arguments and misunderstandings, sarcasm, (name calling on my part) and what I perceive to be his possible mindf*ks. This is a big, giant, neon, waving, red flag.

I think that finding someone with compatible goals in life, similar ideals and values, is an ideal situation for anyone. As I get to know myself and L more and more, I see that indeed there is a pretty insurmountable gap between his goals and my own.

He does not believe that opposite life goals (or even just different ones) should be deal breakers. Although I am inclined to agree on one level of that argument - that of course you and your partner don't have to be going down the same paths to be able to connect and love each other - I have to disagree on another when it comes to Directions in life.

L loves to travel, doesn't want kids, has a free and inclusive lifestyle, and never knows where he will be living one year to the next. I want to travel, but the fact that I have kids and therefore less mobility and opportunity is a hitch. But I pretty much know where I will be living in years to come and my tendencies are to be a little more exclusive. Also, because of my kids, I am inclined to be more selective and cautious, as well as provide a stable environment for them.

I think my ideal poly relationship would be one where there are one or two partners involved and not these huge trees and branches of interconnected sex partners. However, L seems to believe that any partner engaging in the pursuit of any relationship is fair game. I personally would not feel safe knowing that his other gf at any given time, might be having sex with someone else that I do not even know about, believing it to be "fairly safe" and then spreading unknown funk around to all others.

There, to me, comes a point when too much freedom of f*king is too much. I value my health and the health of my partners, current and future. Although I am certainly not free of past mistakes of unprotected sex, I have been lucky enough to have never contracted anything. Last year I thought about it a lot and decided that never again would I 'risk it'. I expect any and all partners to be on the same page with that. The problem with L is that he is a person (self-professed) who is inclined to 'risk it' and that bothers me more than I think he understands.
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