Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-19-2011, 07:19 PM
BFTrick BFTrick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 27
Default Stress from Metamour's Problems

Hello there,

I've been in a triad for the last couple of months and it has been great. Recently though, my metamour is having some problems with depression due in part to his unsuccessful professional ventures and some other things. Generally he is unsatisfied by where he is in life and he has no self esteem.

Obviously, our girlfriend is spending a lot more time with him and the last time I went to visit them at their house she slept with him and not with me; that was a first. I think she made the right call by providing him a little extra attention but I am worried about the long haul. What if he is depressed for the next year? I already only see her 2 times a week, if I only get to see her once a week for the next year that would be really tough.

Anyone else have this or something similar to it?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-19-2011, 10:21 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,660
Default

It might be semantics, but it sounds like you are in a vee. Just checking as it means differing suggestions. A vee is two people sharing a partner and a triad is when all are involved with each other as a relationship dynamic. I'm going to assume you are in a vee.

Is there any way you can find it in your heart to graciously support him and her? Do nice things for her so that she feels supported in her efforts and so she doesn't burn out? I know this helps to no end with my two men. They get together and strategize about how to support me sometimes. Maybe give him some kind words of support and offer to help too?

Really, its early days yet and it sounds like they are sorting out what do do for him in the long run. If it continues that he needs her support then perhaps you could find him some alternative help or support them in doing so.

My experience has been that when I give unselfishly I get back ten fold support and love. My suggestion would to do the same. No doubt they are aware of the imbalance. In time and with your support they might just bring it up and offer some solution. If not then I would kindly and with much care as possible, bring it up.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-20-2011, 06:29 AM
Telzy Telzy is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2
Default

Dear BFTrick,
You've noticed that the balancing act changes when one person has extra challenges....now, you've been in this v (or triad) for a couple of months, but you have also said "their house" which suggests there is a longer term relationship between the two of them, than they have with you.

I don't know what the agreed priorities are, for the three of you, but it's usually a very important thing to know. Let me assume there is an older, invested relationship (theirs), and a newer, promising, exciting relationship (yours and hers).

I LOVE that she felt (and you felt) it was right that she support him, even if your previous pattern was that your presence meant he slept lonely. To me, this suggests you might be worth keeping, long haul. Building a new relationship, in which your presence means he loses .... you folks probably needed some change up here. It's HARD to do this sort of thing in a way that fits and respects all three of you.

If you decide you do want to be in this for the long haul, then, for the sake of the relationship, you add yourself to the support network. Mind you, also notice your values, and what you get out of it.

If it's not enough for you, when your girl friend has a child, a husband, another boyfriend, and sick mother....that's fair to notice, and it's reasonable to leave the relationship, if you notice that, for yourself.

Good fortune, good luck.

Telzyln Marie Vosbury Garcia
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-20-2011, 04:33 PM
BFTrick BFTrick is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 27
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It might be semantics, but it sounds like you are in a vee. Just checking as it means differing suggestions. A vee is two people sharing a partner and a triad is when all are involved with each other as a relationship dynamic. I'm going to assume you are in a vee.
Yup yup. Thanks for the correction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Is there any way you can find it in your heart to graciously support him and her? Do nice things for her so that she feels supported in her efforts and so she doesn't burn out? I know this helps to no end with my two men. They get together and strategize about how to support me sometimes. Maybe give him some kind words of support and offer to help too?
Absolutely. I want both of them to be happy so I'm trying to chat with him more than I normally do and since we work in the same industry I give him leads for new biz.

I'll keep supporting her because I know how much he means to her. If it takes him a few weeks to get back to normal and she needs to keep attending to him that is fine with me; I would want the same attention if I were in his shoes. I was just pondering long term...what if this lasts for months or years?

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
My experience has been that when I give unselfishly I get back ten fold support and love. My suggestion would to do the same. No doubt they are aware of the imbalance. In time and with your support they might just bring it up and offer some solution. If not then I would kindly and with much care as possible, bring it up.
Thank you for that advice. I like that philosophy and I'll try to do it more often.

Actually... things already improved. The GF surprised me at my place last night (she nearly scared me to death) and we had a lovely evening at my place. She was grateful for me giving her the space she needed to tend to her other bf.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Telzy View Post
You've noticed that the balancing act changes when one person has extra challenges....now, you've been in this v (or triad) for a couple of months, but you have also said "their house" which suggests there is a longer term relationship between the two of them, than they have with you.

I don't know what the agreed priorities are, for the three of you, but it's usually a very important thing to know. Let me assume there is an older, invested relationship (theirs), and a newer, promising, exciting relationship (yours and hers).
Yup. They are more established and they live together. We don't have any hierarchy to our relationship but the two of them are obviously closer at this point.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Telzy View Post
I LOVE that she felt (and you felt) it was right that she support him, even if your previous pattern was that your presence meant he slept lonely. To me, this suggests you might be worth keeping, long haul. Building a new relationship, in which your presence means he loses .... you folks probably needed some change up here. It's HARD to do this sort of thing in a way that fits and respects all three of you.
Thanks. It is nice to do things right every once in a while.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Telzy View Post
If you decide you do want to be in this for the long haul, then, for the sake of the relationship, you add yourself to the support network. Mind you, also notice your values, and what you get out of it.
I've actually tried talking to him about his concerns. He is pretty closed and it might take me a while to be close enough with him where he can tell me his thoughts. I would like it and I'll keep going in that direction.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-20-2011, 05:39 PM
Telzy Telzy is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2
Default

Dear BFTrick,

You mentioned a lack of hierarchy. I hope you are cautious of the apparent lack, as there can be a powerful, covert hierarchy. Or maybe subconscious one.

I'm so glad she didn't scare you to death, but almost as glad she's got balancing on her mind, and showed up at your place.

Best wishes,

Telzy
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-20-2011, 06:17 PM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greater DC metro area
Posts: 101
Default

BFTrick, I recently had a similar situation (I am the hinge of my V, tho), and I wish I had handled it as well as you and your girlfriend did.
__________________
Bisexual, Hinge of a Vee with a mono boyfriend and poly husband.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:29 PM.