Need some guidance - sleeping arrangements

[BigGuy]

Originally Posted by angel32

maybe I'm just over-reacting...

Nope. How he treats others is indicative of how he will treat you, eventually. When you're no longer new and shiny.

It sounds to me he's lacking in empathy. He shouldn't have to understand WHY you need this courtesy you feel you need at this point. All he needs to understand is that its important to YOU. Deep down, he doesn't care. He doesn't care about pain and suffering he puts others through. Not saying he's a bad person, but a person who can't empathize (understand viscerally how their actions affect others) is likely to hurt others at some point in time.

These may be red flags for your own relationship with him.

[opalescent]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Also, has he, to your knowledge, talked to her about why he's not ever sleeping in her room any more? Her way of handling it is inappropriate but I'd be feeling pretty freaked out too in her situation and if he's just allowing this situation to devolve into toxicity, that's not ok.

Originally Posted by Derrall

Yes, she keeps breaking your rules, and entering your personal space.... im sure id do the same in her position. Seems to me like she's getting the short end of the stick. I'm still new to this, but from what ive learned here, your fiancee should probably make more time for her....

Originally Posted by sevechten

Is he really still interested in her? I'm new to all this, but I think I would insist that he either give her more attention including sleeping with her once or twice a week, or cut her loose.

Originally Posted by angel32

I can see how this would all feel to her as you say, however, I have reason to believe that this devolving with them was happening long before I came around. Thought I didn't know it before, I'm definitely seeing proof of it now.

Derrall - I agree that if he's wanting to continue this relationship with her that he should make more time for her. However, even after all my encouraging him to do that, he simply just doesn't. I can't make him, either he wants to or he doesn't and honestly it feels like that's an issue they need to work out. I don't know if there is anything I can or should do about this. But in the meantime I can't be trampled on in the process.
As I've said in previous responses, he didn't cut off sleeping with her when I moved in. They were already sleeping part of the time in separate areas. A couple months after I moved in though even that waned despite my encouraging him to stay with her.

sevechten - I've asked myself and him that very question... he says he doesn't know or evades the question. He avoids her advances well enough and has told me that he feels really annoyed when she tries touching him. I have tried insisting what you suggested at the risk of sticking my nose into their business. I've brought it up twice, the first time he just said he didn't know if he could do that. The other time (several months later) he twisted it around to make it sound like I was telling him he had to get rid of her.... I can only think this latter response was more about him lashing out and projecting his thoughts and feelings about himself onto me. Because I certainly never told him to get rid of her. I'd never think of such a thing... I may if she were seriously abusive, but that just isn't the case here.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

I find your fiance's behavior here kinda worrying. It seems callous, or at least... lazy?... for him to allow this relationship to continue when he doesn't even want to be touched by her, and to refuse to try to identify or talk about the problem. If I were you I might tell him that seeing him treat a partner that way is disappointing, and would make me wonder if he'd ever treat me that way.

Originally Posted by kirsten

Mostly because it's not really your problem to work out - your fiance needs to work it out with his gf. But in the interest of your sleep (and continued sanity) I would seriously consider having him sleep elsewhere for the time being. It is your space and you have a right to invite who you want into it. If his presence is indirectly causing disturbances then kick him out. I'm not sure if there are three bedrooms? It sounds like not. So it may force him to deal with the situation.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

It seems to me that the underlying issue here is not her coming into your room but rather their failed relationship and his inability to formally end it. Your sleeping problem is a symptom of this underlying issue. She's continuing to try to meet her needs with him, and he's apparently not willing to be a part of that. She has the right to be loved and supported by the person she's romantically cohabiting with. Your sleeping problems will really never end until their relationship is properly resolved. Locks and rules are a bandaid, but implementing those will likely just bring up new issues.

I wonder if a different approach to this situation would work better. In the spirit of female solidarity, you could say something like "Wow, if you treated me the way you treat her, it would break my heart. I would want you to either treat me the way I deserve to be treated, or else grow a pair and confess that you just don't love me anymore. But leaving me upstairs all alone while my boyfriend spends every night with his fiance is just really cruel."

Originally Posted by angel32

What's worse is that he does have another girlfriend that he sees on the side. She doesn't live with us. I've asked him several times to tell me when he sees her and he won't. I've caught him few times when he was seeing her but he didn't tell me about it. He told me 6 months ago that he was breaking it off with her, but he still hasn't. He just keeps stringing her along, or lying to me about it.

Either way I feel stuck. I keep encouraging him to do the right thing but he just doesn't. Maybe what he views as right is different than mine. Sometimes he only sees her for 5-10 min at lunch but. I don't know maybe I shouldn't be freaking out over there little meet ups, but it bothers me because he doesn't tell me. I've tried telling him that when he finds out that he's meeting up with her just please send me a short message. He does it one or two times after I remind him and then he stops again. He says he forgets because he doesn't think seeing her for 5 min is significant.

He says he doesn't understand why I feel I need to keep tabs on him and what he's doing. I tell him I'm not, just that I'd like to know when he's with her. I don't know, I feel like he's sneaking around behind my back when he doesn't tell me. I don't want details of how long he's with her or what they're doing and I don't ask what he's doing at any other time. He just wants me to accept that he's going to see her whenever he pleases and I just can't do that. It doesn't feel right, doesn't feel open and honest. I don't understand why he can't tell me... maybe I'm just over-reacting...

Originally Posted by BigGuy

Nope. How he treats others is indicative of how he will treat you, eventually. When you're no longer new and shiny.

Angel32,

Do you see the common trends in the comments by others and your own postings? It is true that you do not have the ability to make him sort out his issues with the live in girlfriend. You are not responsible for the apparent failure of their relationship.

But it is also true that how he treats other lovers is eventually how he will treat you. Sooner or later, you will be the one sleeping upstairs, alone, while he is whiling away time with a new babe. From your description, it seems like his idea of poly is he does what he wants, when he wants, with whom he wants, and lets others - namely his lovers - deal with the fallout. This is very worrisome pattern. You are not over-reacting. He's not acting in an open, honest, and trustworthy manner. Be concerned about your relationship, not just theirs.

[AnnabelMore]

If my bf wanted me to ping him any time I was briefly seeing my gf that would probably get annoying eventually. But if it was something he needed initially, of course I would do it. I mean, how long does it take to send a text message? Poly brings up a lot of difficult emotions, and better that I be very briefly inconvenienced than that he be struggling needlessly. I would assume that over time, as he saw I was respecting his request and that he could trust me and the situation, he could let go of that requirement.

What I wouldn't do is forget he ever asked, especially if he'd reminded me multiple times and it was obviously important to him. Either your fiance has an incredibly shitty memory, he's lying, or he doesn't care enough to try to remember.

You're not overreacting. None of this is ok. I mean...

...if you guys are supposed to spend the rest of your life together and he can't or won't give you the tiniest window into his emotional decisions, and he says he'll do major things (like break up with someone!) but then doesn't with no explanation, and he's stringing multiple other women along and treating them without a modicum of respect, and he won't honor a simple request from you... how is this supposed to work in a way that leaves you happy, healthy, and sane?

What the hell is up with this guy?