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  #11  
Old 12-16-2011, 03:04 PM
STBF STBF is offline
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I don't really know how I feel about my wife dating. I've never really had any strong opinions about anything throughout my entire life so this is new to me. I can safely say that I don't feel bad about what she does. I don't really enjoy it that much either. I'm in the middle atm.

The main reason why she brought up polyamory is that she has the type of personality where she has to have new and exciting experiences. If you look at it in a negative way you could say that she is never content with what she has.

My wife and gf's personalities are not like my mothers. I'd be out in a second if there was a resemblance. No middle ground.

I think that you are getting closer to what I'm thinking, dinged (you're really good at this). I'm questioning how much I genuinely love both of them v.s how much of my feelings are just unhealthy emotional attachment that stem from my past codependency problems.

I also want to "go out and be free" as a single man. Ever since I started dating at 17, I've never been single. This could be part of my MLC. If I'm having a MLC.

There's no rush. I'll be waiting until mid-2012 before making a concrete decision.
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  #12  
Old 12-16-2011, 11:24 PM
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BigGuy BigGuy is offline
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Sounds like you may need a Walkabout.

There's nothing inherently wrong with taking some time out to find yourself. And, there's nothing to say that you can't return some day. The risk is that once you've taken that path, when you return, their paths may have diverged enough from yours that you're not really able to walk together again.

It's going to be a tough decision. I wish you the best.
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  #13  
Old 12-18-2011, 08:36 PM
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My bf struggles with anxiety issues. He has overcome most of them, and we have gotten to the root of what causes it through many many conversations and alot of ups and downs. But overall, it makes him feel as you say...through his growth and change he has said that he sometimes wants to go away and leave us both, start anew. He says he knows he really doesn't want to do that, but sometimes his anxiety makes him feel like that. We are giving him the space he needs to find himself more and more. and he is seeking help for the anxiety.

There is nothing wrong about finding yourself, finding new passions and opinions in life, and walking on a good and new path. You have found indepedence and freedom from some internal chains. Thats fantatic.
Question...If you are in a Poly situation, with the love and support you get from your wife and GF, couldn't you do some exploring and independent living/enjoyment within the world that you have created? Isn't that one of the great things about Poly?
And, you have a wife and 2 children. If you were fighting and living in an abusive situation, I would say leave now! but it doesn't seem that way. I just think you have more digging internally to do to find out about yourself more. Maybe find out what makes you feel like this about these supportive people in your life. You may be harboring some resentment towards one and its not disclosed yet. You may be missing that "drama" that you used to experience in your old, unhealthy relationship with mom.
So why not keep figuring yourself out and be more independent while you are in a supportive structure/environment?

I have to agree with BigGuy. If you take that walk solo, and drop the wife, gf, and loving family environment, they in turn may not be there when you return. Maybe in the next few months try taking a break from the two (can you get away) take a mini hiatus, and see how you are? Maybe you just need a little time to breathe independently and assess the entire situation from a clear, new head. If they love and support you, i don't see why they wouldnt give you that time.

BTW, I have found being Poly that soooo much communication exists, we have pow wows, and we hash out alot of things. I find that when talking, we dig up old, unresolved stuff, and we put a little attention and love/caring on it. It seems in by doing that, we have helped to heal that sore spot in their past, just by talking about it. After that, it never seems to be an issue anymore. Its amazing. Its like sped up group therapy in your own home!
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  #14  
Old 12-19-2011, 12:59 PM
STBF STBF is offline
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I could take a month or so off. A mini-Walkabout.

Realistically, you're right. If I leave, I wouldn't expect my partners to wait for me. I'm okay with that.

Life goes on. People move on.
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  #15  
Old 12-19-2011, 01:31 PM
STBF STBF is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoulRising View Post
My bf struggles with anxiety issues. He has overcome most of them, and we have gotten to the root of what causes it through many many conversations and alot of ups and downs. But overall, it makes him feel as you say...through his growth and change he has said that he sometimes wants to go away and leave us both, start anew. He says he knows he really doesn't want to do that, but sometimes his anxiety makes him feel like that. We are giving him the space he needs to find himself more and more. and he is seeking help for the anxiety.

There is nothing wrong about finding yourself, finding new passions and opinions in life, and walking on a good and new path. You have found indepedence and freedom from some internal chains. Thats fantatic.
Question...If you are in a Poly situation, with the love and support you get from your wife and GF, couldn't you do some exploring and independent living/enjoyment within the world that you have created? Isn't that one of the great things about Poly?
And, you have a wife and 2 children. If you were fighting and living in an abusive situation, I would say leave now! but it doesn't seem that way. I just think you have more digging internally to do to find out about yourself more. Maybe find out what makes you feel like this about these supportive people in your life. You may be harboring some resentment towards one and its not disclosed yet. You may be missing that "drama" that you used to experience in your old, unhealthy relationship with mom.
So why not keep figuring yourself out and be more independent while you are in a supportive structure/environment?

I have to agree with BigGuy. If you take that walk solo, and drop the wife, gf, and loving family environment, they in turn may not be there when you return. Maybe in the next few months try taking a break from the two (can you get away) take a mini hiatus, and see how you are? Maybe you just need a little time to breathe independently and assess the entire situation from a clear, new head. If they love and support you, i don't see why they wouldnt give you that time.

BTW, I have found being Poly that soooo much communication exists, we have pow wows, and we hash out alot of things. I find that when talking, we dig up old, unresolved stuff, and we put a little attention and love/caring on it. It seems in by doing that, we have helped to heal that sore spot in their past, just by talking about it. After that, it never seems to be an issue anymore. Its amazing. Its like sped up group therapy in your own home!
Hah, just learnt how to quote. I can't believe that I didn't see this button.

No, my relationships aren't abusive.

For now, I'll continue talking with my gf and wife, and enjoying our time together. I'll see how I feel in a couple of months.

It sucks that it's all kind of on me now, but that's how things are.
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  #16  
Old 12-19-2011, 01:43 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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STBF, it's great that you've worked through a lot of your issues from your family of origin and feel less needy and co-dependent. However, you are where you are, you've got 2 women and 2 girls who love you and enjoy your presence in their lives. I assume you love all 4 of them as well.

You chose your wife (who is balanced and healthy) and your gf, who I assume is also fairly mature and healthy. Your daughters did not chose you, they are dependent on your presence and care. In other words, you still have a responsibility to all these people. They don't deserve to be left in your dust.

Sure, take a vacation on your own if you want. (Personally I've got a primary gf and 2 male lovers, and I'm just wrapping up a vacation of 10 days duration without any of them. I had a fantastic time, but now I feel homesick and can't wait to get back to all three of them, and my son.) Absence may make the heart grow fonder, once you have some alone time and reassess the value your family brings to your life.

Interdependence does not equal codependency.
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  #17  
Old 12-19-2011, 01:45 PM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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I think having found poly you do not need to dump your two, the advantage of poly is that you can find another to meet your new needs that you may have and still enjoy what you currently have, if both of your current loves are happy with your changes then it's great, I cannot see how you are in a lose situation right now, except in your own head. Continue with the love and support from your current loves and keep an eye out to what another might bring.
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  #18  
Old 12-19-2011, 02:18 PM
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Yeah. They're both mentally healthy. None of them "deserve" this. That's why I don't want to rush anything.

I could wait until my daughters are 18 (In 2 years. They are twins). Even then, there is never a good time to divorce so I don't think that would help too much.
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  #19  
Old 12-19-2011, 05:23 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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do you feel passion for any person or activity now? Have you had that in the past and have lost that?
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  #20  
Old 12-19-2011, 06:39 PM
liberumcredo liberumcredo is offline
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STBF,

Thank you for clarifying that your daughters are in their teens, that is an important part of this picture. I think that there are several other important parts to this picture that we cannot see yet. Could you describe what you are feeling for each of the women in your life? You said that this might just be limerence (I would assume with your GF), which seems to say that you are very invested in that relationship. You also say that leaving these relationships would be like cutting off a gangrenous limb, which seems to imply that staying would somehow kill you inside (perhaps kill off this new you?). I am a bit confused about what you actually feel for each woman, and that is something we would need to know to be able to help you think through things more fully.

Another thing that would help is to know what you think would be different / better without these women in your life. Are you afraid of going back into your old dependent ways? Do you just not see the point of the relationships now that you no longer have the deep needs for external validation? Are you looking for more freedom / experience? Ok, I will stop putting words in your mouth, but if we don't know what your needs are we will have a hard time offering useful advice.

That being said, I will offer what thoughts I can with the information I have. One of the freeing things about poly is that you are not constrained to the typical relationship roles and dynamics. If you choose to stay with your wife, you can do so on different terms than you have had in the past. As she is the mother of your children, you will continue to have a relationship of some form with her for the rest of your life, whether that relationship is occational contact at weddings, etc, or as live-together friends and partners, or any number of styles of romantic relationships. It would likely be a painful process to seperate completely, so I would recommend you look at ways you could have your needs met by re-negotiating your boundaries. You may find that she is willing to give you the space you need to disover yourself without cutting ties completely.

I wish you well,

Liberum
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