Wife thinks that I am neglecting her in favour of my secondary. She's right.

[KindaPOd]

Sounds passive aggressive to me.

In what way?

[monkeystyle]

You're definitely someone who is getting a little self-righteous satisfaction out of making your wife squirm right now. Obvious that you don't intend to treat her as an equal, and that you are quite happy to remind her of this. Like a couple of other posters have said: Dump her. She's better off without you. Seriously.

[AnnabelMore]

Your original question was if you are the bad guy. I think the answer is yes if you allow any loving relationship to devolve without either trying to save it or communicating clearly what is changing and why. Respecting the relationship and the other person enough to either work on it or change it, even if it's on its way out, is just the loving thing to do. And if you treat a loved one, or even a former loved one, in a non-loving way, then, yes... bad guy. :/

Now, maybe you *have* gently communicated to her that you want your relationship with her to take on a more secondary form, and discussed what that could look like and what would work for you both. If so, kudos. I couldn't quite tell from the above posts.

Having your feelings change doesn't make you good or bad, its all in how you handle it and the level of compassion you show.

[dingedheart]

It sounds to me that when your wife found this other guy you didn't like being some fraction in her life ...you struggled for 7-8 years either in silence or in plain verbal discussions with your wife. There was a snap point,... fuck it,...she's not going to change back I might as well join in. You felt replaced and from that mind set you went about to replace the person who replaced you. And you have to some degree.

The damage done 10yrs ago seems unrepairable ... do you want to be married? Why? Why does she want to remain married ...out of habit ..nice house ...what?

What's her response in taking a secondary role ? How does she define her relationships as far as primary and secondary? ...meaning is the bf a secondary ...or co -primary or is everyone equal?

I'd say you're deep down mono but have adapted to poly out of your circumstances... You maybe happier and healthier finding someone to enjoy that with.

Whats the bf think about all this?

[SourGirl]

Originally Posted by KindaPOd

There's a good chance that I'm just acting like an infantile prick. Not something that I'm proud of but I'll own it if that's the case.

Well yes you are. BUT, its refreshing to see someone just own their shit, and not hide behind some pretty words. Thank you.

Originally Posted by KindaPOd

I just don't see the point in obsessing over it. I'll never know either way. You get to a point where you just have to accept that what happened, happened. What may not have happened, may not have happened.

True, BUT,.the truth is you DID make up your mind. You have decided in your own mind that she did it. This is where the disrespect comes from and the passive-aggressive shit. Aggressive, would of been finding out the truth, and turning over every stone to have the facts.
Passive-aggressive in your situation, means holding court in your own brain, deciding she is guilty, and then letting future decisions be punishment.

So, you can choose to believe what you believe. Which means, your gf takes precedence, because you respect her, and don't feel lied to by her.

Making your wife a secondary though,...is akin to giving her leftovers off the table. Its not like you will suddenly respect her as a secondary.

Those who do the 'switcheroo' successfully, do so with a genuine interest in treating all parties well.

So is any of this 'fair' to you or her ? No. That is life. Sometimes we cannot find the truth, sometimes our brains and hearts make the decisions for us.

[KindaPOd]

Obvious that you don't intend to treat her as an equal

My equal as a human being and as an individual? Sure she is...maybe she is a better person than I am. I don't think that highly of myself so the bar isn't high.

Equal in the relationship dynamic? She's kinda my secondary, while I'm her primary. Lots of inequality there.

Now, maybe you *have* gently communicated to her that you want your relationship with her to take on a more secondary form, and discussed what that could look like and what would work for you both. If so, kudos. I couldn't quite tell from the above posts.

Yep, I have. For years.

Having your feelings change doesn't make you good or bad, its all in how you handle it and the level of compassion you show.

I agree with you.

do you want to be married? Why? Why does she want to remain married ...out of habit ..nice house ...what?

Staying for our fifteen yr old daughter.

We're living paycheck to paycheck. A divorce would empty our bank accounts pretty quickly.

What's her response in taking a secondary role ? How does she define her relationships as far as primary and secondary? ...meaning is the bf a secondary ...or co -primary or is everyone equal?

Her response is that she wants to be my primary. I'm her primary, her bf is her secondary.

I said that it would benefit her more if she dedicated more time to her bf and placed less of her attention on me. Old loyalties die hard.

Whats the bf think about all this?

Here's a transcript.

bf: Maybe you should spend some more time with Mrs. KindaPOd and work on your marriage. I'm getting kind of worried.
me: I spend as much time with her as I'm willing to. Also, try and relax.
bf: Oh.

So is any of this 'fair' to you or her ? No. That is life. Sometimes we cannot find the truth, sometimes our brains and hearts make the decisions for us.

You have a way with words and I agree with you.

[dingedheart]

I'd say the day you said '"fuck it " and set out to find someone else was the day she was being moved out of the primary position whether you found anyone or not. Now its being said more forcefully or its being said the same way but now being taken seriously.

It sounds like if don't have a full blown room mate type relationship now that that's where this is heading. I've read here about other couples having such an arrangement so that's not uncommon. I'm sure others can comment on how that works.

After a couple years in this dynamic, feeling the way you did, were you able to do, (for lack of a better phrase) "building life together stuff" ...house improvement projects, retirement planning, buying vacation property,(time share) insurance, estate planning, etc. etc?? It was impossible for me to get motivated on any projects even ones I had materials purchased and in hand.

Does your child know of these other outside relationships the two of you have ? Or rather to what extent is her knowledge ?

Why are you pissed off? at the long standing situation (her BF) or the suggestion that you need to invest more time and effort into your marriage to maintain the hierarchical relationship your wife thinks you should have with her?

[KindaPOd]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

I'd say the day you said '"fuck it " and set out to find someone else was the day she was being moved out of the primary position whether you found anyone or not. Now its being said more forcefully or its being said the same way but now being taken seriously.

It sounds like if don't have a full blown room mate type relationship now that that's where this is heading. I've read here about other couples having such an arrangement so that's not uncommon. I'm sure others can comment on how that works.

After a couple years in this dynamic, feeling the way you did, were you able to do, (for lack of a better phrase) "building life together stuff" ...house improvement projects, retirement planning, buying vacation property,(time share) insurance, estate planning, etc. etc?? It was impossible for me to get motivated on any projects even ones I had materials purchased and in hand.

Does your child know of these other outside relationships the two of you have ? Or rather to what extent is her knowledge ?

Why are you pissed off? at the long standing situation (her BF) or the suggestion that you need to invest more time and effort into your marriage to maintain the hierarchical relationship your wife thinks you should have with her?

Probably right, dude.

I don't know, I guess that I don't really think that the "living like brother and sister while seeing other people" idea is polyamory. Sounds like a passionless-and-romanceless-relationship-so-you-get-it-elsewhere schtick. Just my opinion though. Maybe it's the supposedly long-dead mono side of me talking.

^^^ Yeah, that's probably the future. Honestly, I feel pretty bad that my wife wants to avert this future while I'm on the more apathetic side of things. She just won't give up.

My wife and I do stuff together. Our romantic relationship isn't completely dead but it's on its twilight years. Dunno what your story is DH, but are you planning on divorcing or what?

Our daughter has met our OSOs. I think that on some level, she knows that we are all more than just friends. Kids aren't stupid. If she asks, I'll be honest.

Me? I'm not pissed off. My wife is, but not me. I'm tired. World weary. Partly, I think that it's because I got transferred over to homicide a few years ago. It's a rough job. Definitely wore down my sanity.

[dingedheart]

Sorry I thought your user name was kinda Pissed off. And I get she's having trouble. And now i really get why you think she cheated on you in the beginning ....you've been trained to read people and put together evidence.

My wife moved out and is living hundreds of miles away. She did so for several reasons the biggest being mental health. Because of her mental status I have yet to discuss this topic. From the limited communications we've had she adamantly against divorce. I really can't see a different outcome.

[KindaPOd]

Ah sorry. Not hard to tell that you've had a hard time DH, but I regret asking. I apologise.

Sorry I thought your user name was kinda Pissed off.

That's cause it is. It refers to something my wife said about herself.

And now i really get why you think she cheated on you in the beginning ....you've been trained to read people and put together evidence.

Yeah sorta. I mean, there's a lot of misconceptions about law enforcement. Naturally, I blame TV.

There's quite a bit of evidence, leading me to believe that my wife was having an affair before proposing the idea of poly to me. It's not like I just pulled the theory out of my ass. Poly or no, not many people like being lied to. No need for me to go into it. The past belongs in the past. It's sorta like the existence of God, I can't prove it either way.

Btw there's no concrete evidence suggesting that police can read people any better than your average joe. Ya know, if I was interviewing you, and I thought that you were BSing me, I would take advantage of any misconceptions that you had. Take the psychological advantage when you have it.