"What does a single gal like me get out of dating a married man like you?"

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

Now it may be your view that most people want to experience things in the norm,

It's not my view..it's the norm..that's why it's called normal Ceoli. Doesn't make it any more right or valid, but if most people wanted something else...that would become the norm.

Wow..what a tangent

Anyways I can't wait to hear what a married guy or woman can offer a single gal like her.

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

It's not my view..it's the norm..that's why it's called normal Ceoli. Doesn't make it any more right or valid, but if most people wanted something else...that would become the norm.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I am vocal in my belief that people are better off having traditional relationship experiences before attempting a "serious" poly one.

That latter point suggested to me that you were indeed stating it as more right and valid, which is the point I was arguing.

And it may be a tangent, but still related, and this message board is full of all sorts of treasures in the tangents.

[BexyandBen]

We may have different answers, but we've faced these questions before:

What does a married guy offer to a single gal?

In our case, stability, security, a ready-made family. We offer a lot of love, immediately. The downside is that it can be overwhelming--especially to someone who has never been part of a family. Emotionally, married men (at least those in good relationships) offer a more stable emotional experience. The highs and lows are not so spikey. Having another woman--especially one who knows him so well--to even him out, provides the new woman with a calm, confident, settled foundation to build upon. (Mind you, there are many who consider this a detriment--they live for the spikey highs and lows of extremely emotional situations.)

Will she feel comfortable bringing you home to meet her parents?

For me, that's easy--my parents are gone. However, I would be absolutely comfortable sharing her with our friends, sharing her with our world, displaying affection to her while shopping at the local grocery and Wal-Mart. There is no difference in how she would be treated than how I treat my wife--and I'm a very outgoing and affectionate man.

Are you going to give her the security of a marraige type relationship if she wants it?

Yes. In fact, for us that's the only way it would move beyond a little touching and possibly some kissing. A life-long, committed relationship with her is what we are seeking. As a very romantic and affectionate man, she will never wonder how much she is loved and appreciated for the unique elements that she brings to the relationship.

Will you give her children?

If she wants them, yes. In fact, we would want that. If she doesn't want chidlren, that's okay, too. We've resolved that this choice is her's to make--and her's to choose the timing. But, we would be very interested in expanding our family with our new partner.

Will you be proud and open about her and is she free to be with you openly?

Absolutely. Snuggling, holding hands, arms around each other--whether out and about just her and Ben or if all three are out and about. In fact, if she and Bexy develop a relationship, they would be free to display their affection together, as well.

I can think of nothing more special than the opportunity to show the world: this is my lover, my best friend, my committed partner, in whom I delight.

Will she have a secretive relationship similar to an affair and only known to you and your wife?

This is not our preference, but we have met some who would prefer this. Again, our preference is to have a relationship that is open, honest, affectionate--no different than the relationship between Bexy and Ben.

What besides sex and occassional dates are you going to offer her?

Everything that a lifelong love should enjoy: being there for her whenever she has a need, back rubs, remodeling together, making dinner together, paying bills together, helping each other through the tough times, enjoying the good times, a family of love, everything that a wife or life-partner would expect is what would be offered--because that would be her "status".

Not to sound harsh, but really, for most of the single female population (especially the younger population) a married guy does apparently have little to offer. And so the debate begins

We actually think that we have a lot more to offer than a "mere" single man. Bex offers a female perspective in any conflict between Ben and the new woman. When Ben is on a business trip, Bex and the new woman have each other to keep company, to help around the house, to plot and plan for his return ( ). The friendship--and possible relationship--between Bex and the woman is something that no single man could offer. The love and acceptance of another woman who knows all the little secrets of the man she loves--and someone to talk about them, to help understand, especially in the early part of the relationship, is invaluable.

In our very limited experience, there have been times when Ben has acted in a way that confused our girlfriend. Bexy has been able to sit down with her, explain what 20 years of experience with Ben have taught her--and saved the girlfriend much angst and confusion as she gains this 20 years of insight into a very complex man.

What a married man offers is a lot of complexity--but a rich, full and vibrant life that a single man can't even come close to offering.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

That latter point suggested to me that you were indeed stating it as more right and valid, which is the point I was arguing.

And it may be a tangent, but still related, and this message board is full of all sorts of treasures in the tangents.

Sorry to give that impression, Ceoli. It has nothing to do with right or wrong honestly. I don't believe there is a right or wrong way to approach relationships between healthy adults. I do believe in recognizing the pressures and expectations that the desire to experience societal "norms" can have on people.

Wow...talk about communication..I am always fascinated by how two people can seem so far off in their understanding of one another. The way you and I sometimes miss read each other (if I can be so bold as to make that statement) is reminiscent of some issues me and Redpepper had in the past. Mis-communication almost broke us up.

I agree..tangents can be good

[Ceoli]

I wouldn't call it mis-communication as much as getting to the bottom of it. You said people are better off a certain way, I wanted to get to the bottom of that assertion.

You and I tend to see things very differently in general and I enjoy taking those things apart.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

You said people are better off a certain way, I wanted to get to the bottom of that assertion.

You and I tend to see things very differently in general and I enjoy taking those things apart.

Case in point! I don't remember or read me ever saying that LOL! We truly are oil and water.

One of the reasons I think being in a poly relationship works so well for me, despite being mono, is that I have achieved and experienced all the normal hall marks of life in the way most of the people around me have experienced.
I am not wanting in those areas of my life.

My experiences have given me the ability to commit on a very deep and focussed level to what we are buliding. I'm not getting caught up in what my mono friends are doing because I have done that. It's that wanting that will be a big hurdle to many people entering a relationship with a married person in a lot of cases. Not all..but a lot.

I think you read a lot into what I write and think there is a underlying message. I'm pretty black and white. If I don't say it, I usaully don't think it.

[Manno]

Thanks for the sound advice!

Awesome addition to this thread.

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Case in point! I don't remember or read me ever saying that LOL! We truly are oil and water.

This is where I read it:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I am vocal in my belief that people are better off having traditional relationship experiences before attempting a "serious" poly one.

When saying things like "people are better off doing x" that naturally implies that x is more valid than other options. I still don't see the miscommmunication here. If that's not what you meant, then don't use words that convey the opposite.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

One of the reasons I think being in a poly relationship works so well for me, despite being mono, is that I have achieved and experienced all the normal hall marks of life in the way most of the people around me have experienced.
I am not wanting in those areas of my life.

My experiences have given me the ability to commit on a very deep and focussed level to what we are buliding. I'm not getting caught up in what my mono friends are doing because I have done that. It's that wanting that will be a big hurdle to many people entering a relationship with a married person in a lot of cases. Not all..but a lot.

That's great that your experiences have given you those abilities. I'm just saying that there are other ways to gain those experiences that don't need to be viewed through a mono-centric lens. And yes, you're saying "not all, but most", but I still consider it to be a narrow view. It is completely possible to achieve those hallmarks in live without being monogamous, or even monogamous first then poly next. I see people do it all the time.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

That's great that your experiences have given you those abilities. I'm just saying that there are other ways to gain those experiences that don't need to be viewed through a mono-centric lens. And yes, you're saying "not all, but most", but I still consider it to be a narrow view. It is completely possible to achieve those hallmarks in live without being monogamous, or even monogamous first then poly next. I see people do it all the time.

You got me! I did write that...and I stand by it.

My point is you can't gain those EXACT same experiences unless you do it the same. You can't experience riding a motorcycle by driving a car..you might get to the same destinations but will not have the same experience as the person on the bike. If almost everyone else is getting there on a bike you'll probably want to try it too.

The word most is appropriate because it reflects the vast majority. I stand by that too. Until the world shifts, we can't argue stats...they're imperical. Most people achieve those hallmarks through traditional paths as it stands today.

I'm glad you see it all the time and wish the rest of us did too. If that was the case we wouldn't be on this forum, because it would be the "norm" and we all wouldn't need so much help in trying to achieve acceptance within society, family and in fact within ourselves.

On this note I'll have to give you the last word on this topic because I am actually feeling guilty about hijacking this thread. I also am not a person who needs to understand others or be understood. I accept that some people are wired differently, and think differently. There is a freedom in that LOL!

[redpepper]

what does a married woman offer a single guy would be my question... especially a mono one.... hhhhmmmmmm Mono?

I would also like to know what a couple could offer a single gal, or guy without sounding like they are looking for a puppy.... I'm sorry, but every time I hear the inner workings of the collective mind of a married couple looking for their unicorn it makes me uneasy. I'm not sure why other than it just seems "pie in the sky" and kinda selfish.... maybe because I am not the sort of woman who would ever, ever(!) want to be the property of a couple.... sorry for putting it like that, but it often seems to sound like that is what they are looking for. Very one sided. Where does she fit in? Would she just meld to whatever? AHRG! Why does it bug me so????!!! Is it me or does it just all seem a bit like she would be brainless? She/he would have a HUGE fucking impact on a couples lives.... huge! Mono has in ours and we are a "V" not a triad. It sounds almost co-dependent some how... (*help*)

I just have to say that I get a kick out of Mono and Ceoli's posts together... Ceoli you are a lot like me in so many ways,,, you two sound like Mono and I having a debate! I love it! (I thought I would fees up to that!)

carry on ......