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  #11  
Old 12-15-2011, 10:35 PM
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angel32 angel32 is offline
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Default Responses - part 2

BrigidsDaughter - On your first point, he had been sleeping mostly in the basement and every once in a while sleeping with her in her room. He told me if I needed a space that I should claim his area and it would be both our area or just be my area when I needed it to be.
I can see how this would all feel to her as you say, however, I have reason to believe that this devolving with them was happening long before I came around. Thought I didn't know it before, I'm definitely seeing proof of it now. Also she was happy that we were engaged, since she knew she would never marry him. She told me that herself. We also all 3 sat down several months ago and had a conversation that has been reiterated many times since that I really didn't want her down there when I was sleeping especially. This keeps coming up because she just doesn't follow that even though she agreed to it.
I realize now how cold I sounded about the nightmare issue, I myself need comforting too. Please understand that I was typing out of anger and frustration at that point since it had just happened (again). But I do feel that she could have at the very least woke him up and asked him to come upstairs because she needed him instead of trying to settle in to sleep. Right after I moved in there were times where he would stay with her in her room and I never went into her room. I just feel that it should be reciprocated.
I like the idea of a lock, but I just don't think we're allowed to since we're in a rental...

Derrall - I agree that if he's wanting to continue this relationship with her that he should make more time for her. However, even after all my encouraging him to do that, he simply just doesn't. I can't make him, either he wants to or he doesn't and honestly it feels like that's an issue they need to work out. I don't know if there is anything I can or should do about this. But in the meantime I can't be trampled on in the process.
As I've said in previous responses, he didn't cut off sleeping with her when I moved in. They were already sleeping part of the time in separate areas. A couple months after I moved in though even that waned despite my encouraging him to stay with her.

sevechten - I've asked myself and him that very question... he says he doesn't know or evades the question. He avoids her advances well enough and has told me that he feels really annoyed when she tries touching him. I have tried insisting what you suggested at the risk of sticking my nose into their business. I've brought it up twice, the first time he just said he didn't know if he could do that. The other time (several months later) he twisted it around to make it sound like I was telling him he had to get rid of her.... I can only think this latter response was more about him lashing out and projecting his thoughts and feelings about himself onto me. Because I certainly never told him to get rid of her. I'd never think of such a thing... I may if she were seriously abusive, but that just isn't the case here.
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  #12  
Old 12-15-2011, 11:00 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by angel32 View Post
I like the idea of a lock, but I just don't think we're allowed to since we're in a rental...
Putting in a "bathroom" door knob with a lock is simple and can be switched back out when you leave (keep the old knob). Just requires a Phillips head screwdriver.
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  #13  
Old 12-16-2011, 02:30 AM
cheryl cheryl is offline
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I think you guys should get your own place. Sounds a little cruel to me.
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  #14  
Old 12-16-2011, 03:47 AM
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Yeah, I am agreeing with Cheryl... something needs to change, otherwise things would be going along just fine with no hard feelings, boundaries crossed, etc... Doesn't sound like a healthy place for anyone to be in. I personally would not want to be in any of the three positions there, but I like to have a harmonious life with no drama or unresolved issues hanging over me. Just my opinion
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  #15  
Old 12-16-2011, 04:09 AM
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I find your fiance's behavior here kinda worrying. It seems callous, or at least... lazy?... for him to allow this relationship to continue when he doesn't even want to be touched by her, and to refuse to try to identify or talk about the problem. If I were you I might tell him that seeing him treat a partner that way is disappointing, and would make me wonder if he'd ever treat me that way.
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  #16  
Old 12-16-2011, 09:20 AM
pollyshari pollyshari is offline
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I can't figure out why she is still there. I would be hurting, terribly so.

Doesn't seem like a V to me. More like a Mono with this X that hasn't left yet. (no offense to her). I am sorry that you were brought into this situation. It really leaves you in a bad position. It puts her in bad situation. It is not your fault they have this issue, but it certainly affects you.

It is like she has to be a stalker in her own home, just to try to get affection. She is up there all alone night after night after night while her lover showers another with whatever affection he has the capacity to offer and with holds it from her. And doesn't care at all about how hurt she is. I don't see where the love between the two of them is, at all.

I was so afraid of this happening to me. It sort of did. Hubby and I like to shower together, but when another was in the picture he would sleep a little later and shower with her. Then when she was practically living with us she was always in the shower with him and it was never me anymore. I did talk to him and he remedied the situation. It was NRE, but he needed to work on it and because he truly wanted to love us both he did.

Why does he have so much disdain for her?

If he can't handle loving both of you I wonder if he is even polyfolk. Have you guys thought of getting your own place?

Please don't take my words harshly, like I said this a bad situation for you as well.

Does he have a clue about how bad this is for you to? I know that you talked to him about it but it really is not OK for him to just say, "well I can't stand her" and just leave it at that. If he dislikes her affection so much, why didn't he just tell her it doesn't work for him and move on, set her free. And, why on earth doesn't she escape it. I couldn't handle it with no affection, month after month, whether or not there was another love in the picture.
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  #17  
Old 12-16-2011, 01:34 PM
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sounds like this girl is being treated very badly by both you and your fiancÚ. You telling her she can't spend time with her lover when she is scared and lonely. He ignoring her needs. I don't feel sorry for anyone with this ex-gf who for some reason is living with a monogamous couple in her basement.
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  #18  
Old 12-17-2011, 10:14 PM
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I don't have any grand solution to the larger problems here. Mostly because it's not really your problem to work out - your fiance needs to work it out with his gf. But in the interest of your sleep (and continued sanity) I would seriously consider having him sleep elsewhere for the time being. It is your space and you have a right to invite who you want into it. If his presence is indirectly causing disturbances then kick him out. I'm not sure if there are three bedrooms? It sounds like not. So it may force him to deal with the situation.

Good luck with it, whatever you decide to do.
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  #19  
Old 12-18-2011, 07:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by angel32 View Post
I've asked myself and him that very question... he says he doesn't know or evades the question. He avoids her advances well enough and has told me that he feels really annoyed when she tries touching him. I have tried insisting what you suggested at the risk of sticking my nose into their business. I've brought it up twice, the first time he just said he didn't know if he could do that. The other time (several months later) he twisted it around to make it sound like I was telling him he had to get rid of her.... I can only think this latter response was more about him lashing out and projecting his thoughts and feelings about himself onto me. Because I certainly never told him to get rid of her. I'd never think of such a thing... I may if she were seriously abusive, but that just isn't the case here.
It seems to me that the underlying issue here is not her coming into your room but rather their failed relationship and his inability to formally end it. Your sleeping problem is a symptom of this underlying issue. She's continuing to try to meet her needs with him, and he's apparently not willing to be a part of that. She has the right to be loved and supported by the person she's romantically cohabiting with. Your sleeping problems will really never end until their relationship is properly resolved. Locks and rules are a bandaid, but implementing those will likely just bring up new issues.

I wonder if a different approach to this situation would work better. In the spirit of female solidarity, you could say something like "Wow, if you treated me the way you treat her, it would break my heart. I would want you to either treat me the way I deserve to be treated, or else grow a pair and confess that you just don't love me anymore. But leaving me upstairs all alone while my boyfriend spends every night with his fiance is just really cruel."

On a side note, this notion of communicating via email with people who live in the same house seems really odd to me. I admit, I myself am also better at composing my thoughts electronically, not to mention censoring myself when necessary, but some conversations really require body language and tone of voice.
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  #20  
Old 12-19-2011, 07:22 PM
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What's worse is that he does have another girlfriend that he sees on the side. She doesn't live with us. I've asked him several times to tell me when he sees her and he won't. I've caught him few times when he was seeing her but he didn't tell me about it. He told me 6 months ago that he was breaking it off with her, but he still hasn't. He just keeps stringing her along, or lying to me about it.

Either way I feel stuck. I keep encouraging him to do the right thing but he just doesn't. Maybe what he views as right is different than mine. Sometimes he only sees her for 5-10 min at lunch but. I don't know maybe I shouldn't be freaking out over there little meet ups, but it bothers me because he doesn't tell me. I've tried telling him that when he finds out that he's meeting up with her just please send me a short message. He does it one or two times after I remind him and then he stops again. He says he forgets because he doesn't think seeing her for 5 min is significant.

He says he doesn't understand why I feel I need to keep tabs on him and what he's doing. I tell him I'm not, just that I'd like to know when he's with her. I don't know, I feel like he's sneaking around behind my back when he doesn't tell me. I don't want details of how long he's with her or what they're doing and I don't ask what he's doing at any other time. He just wants me to accept that he's going to see her whenever he pleases and I just can't do that. It doesn't feel right, doesn't feel open and honest. I don't understand why he can't tell me... maybe I'm just over-reacting...
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