"What does a single gal like me get out of dating a married man like you?"

[Manno]

From my thread, "Paradigm Shift to Polyamory"

I thought this reply deserved its own string. Where I was asked this question and I confronted it with honesty, but I'd like other perspectives. I really liked Mono's response here. (and I just realized the play off of my name sounds like I'm really mono as well, but I know for sure that I am not).

So here is the question again:

"What does a single gal like me get out of dating a married man like you?"

Mono wrote on my thread:

This is a hell of a good question. I would be prepared to offer something that makes sense. Considering probably 90% of the world practices monogamy of some sort and has the expectations of mono relationships, a little development in your arguments would be highly advised.

What does a married guy offer to a single gal?
Will she feel comfortable bringing you home to meet her parents?
Are you going to give her the security of a marraige type relationship if she wants it?
Will you give her children?
Will you be proud and open about her and is she free to be with you openly?
Will she have a secretive relationship similar to an affair and only known to you and your wife?
What besides sex and occassional dates are you going to offer her?

Not to sound harsh, but really, for most of the single female population (especially the younger population) a married guy does apparently have little to offer. And so the debate begins

[Manno]

What does a married guy offer to a single gal?

Well, I can offer intelligence, dating, and a relationship without games and bs, but instead with pure honesty.

Will she feel comfortable bringing you home to meet her parents?

This is not a question for me, but for her. I'd be down as parents help make the person. My folks are awesome, and I'm actually looking forward to telling them my decision when it is right.

Are you going to give her the security of a marraige type relationship if she wants it?

No. I can give the insight, passion, endearment, and closeness of a long term relationship, but not security as a marriage can provide.

Will you give her children?

Vasectomy

Will you be proud and open about her and is she free to be with you openly?

Well yeah, that's what this is all about.

Will she have a secretive relationship similar to an affair and only known to you and your wife?

No, that would be using her.

What besides sex and occassional dates are you going to offer her?

A working relationship where we could depend on one another with the only stipulation, that I could not spread myself so thin that my wife and child do not receive any attention.

Mono also said that these were questions that most young women would have a problem with. Contrary to that, I found that a single older monogamous woman would have these questions even more.

[MonoVCPHG]

Can we expand it to married woman too as we have seen a few cases of this as well?

I hope people respond because I am vocal in my belief that people are better off having traditional relationship experiences before attempting a "serious" poly one. Casual poly experiences are a different thing generally because the goals are different.

IMO opinion casual poly relationships are focussed on experiencing people in your life where more serious poly relationships are about experiencing life with the people in it.

I can't wait to hear the ideas of others! Great idea my friend!

[Ceoli]

This is a fairly large issue for myself, being a single poly girl who would love to have a kind of partnership that involves merging lives and families and possibly raising kids. I posted a thread about my experiences back when I first joined the boards.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=448


I've found that most poly communities are dominated by couples who wish to "open up" their relationships, which sets many limits for any relationships I can have from the get-go. And also, poly communities tend to view single people in very limited ways. (not everyone, but a general experience of mine)


I have been involved with a partner who is married and am grateful that I was open to that partnership. I found it to be very fulfilling and wonderful. (It's stated in past tense because it had to be put on hold with my temporary move overseas) While I'm open to such loving partnerships, even with their limitations, it does not change the fact that I would like to have some relationship that involves a deeper intertwinedness. However, the beauty of non-monogamy is that I don't have to expect that need to be met by every partner I have.

But also, I find with those specific needs (home, family, marriage, kids, etc) it is a hell of a lot harder to find people who might be able to meet them who are already poly (since most of them already have their own partner that meets those needs).

[Manno]

*clinking of glasses* Cheers.

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I hope people respond because I am vocal in my belief that people are better off having traditional relationship experiences before attempting a "serious" poly one. Casual poly experiences are a different thing generally because the goals are different.

And I think good relationship skills are good relationship skills regardless of whether they are learned in a monogamous or poly context. To think that only traditional relationships can teach those skills is a very limiting view for myself.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

And I think good relationship skills are good relationship skills regardless of whether they are learned in a monogamous or poly context. To think that only traditional relationships can teach those skills is a very limiting view for myself.

This has nothing to do with relationship skills, Ceoli. It's about people not getting to experience what the vast majority of people around them are. Some people won't care, but most will.

It's about wondering if the grass is greener on the other side because, like it or not, that is where most people do and will spend their time.

If you've been on both sides you can determine what is best for you.

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

This has nothing to do with relationship skills, Ceoli. It's about people not getting to experience what the vast majority of people around them are. Some people won't care, but most will.

I think it has everything to do with relationship skills because experience is useless if the lessons learned aren't applied and turned into skills that one can bring to a relationship. And I think there are a variety of ways one can gain relevant experience without a "traditional relationship" having to be a prerequisite. Plus I know plenty of people with lots of experience in relationships who continue unhealthy patterns despite their experience.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

It's about wondering if the grass is greener on the other side because, like it or not, that is where most people do and will spend their time.

If you've been on both sides you can determine what is best for you.

So by that logic, all monogamous people should try being poly (and vice versa) and all straight people should try being gay (and vice versa). I think there's something to be said for self knowledge that is gained from all aspects of life, but I don't think every part of life has to be experienced to know one's self.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

I think it has everything to do with relationship skills because experience is useless if the lessons learned aren't applied and turned into skills that one can bring to a relationship.

I have no idea where you get the communication skills thing from. Simply put..people generally like to experience what others around them get to experience. Traditional relationships are the norm, they are what the vast majority of people get to experience, they are visible, accepted by the vast majority of the world and understood. My point is..most people want to experience what their friends and families get to experience. Poly is not that...not yet..maybe later.

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I have no idea where you get the communication skills thing from. Simply put..people generally like to experience what others around them get to experience. Traditional relationships are the norm, they are what the vast majority of people get to experience, they are visible, accepted by the vast majority of the world and understood. My point is..most people want to experience what their friends and families get to experience. Poly is not that...not yet..maybe later.

I specifically said relationship skills, not communication skills (though that's a subset)...because that is something with which a person creates quality relationships in their lives. Now it may be your view that most people want to experience things in the norm, but I don't see the value in that if that's the only reason they want to experience it. I also don't see it as a prerequisite to creating quality relationships, poly or mono. I see that view as creating limitations on relationships by using the mainstream monogamous norm as a template that people must have in order to move into other kinds of relationships.