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Old 12-16-2011, 07:32 PM
km34 km34 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624
Default My tendency to over-think things....

I have this awful habit of dwelling way too much on one situation instead of just going with it and seeing what happens. I over-think things CONSTANTLY. Luckily, my husband is very supportive and will listen to my rants until something triggers a decision/attitude that I am satisfied with. The problem? That attitude doesn't always stick around for long.... So I thought I would spare him the possibly useless discussion and post my rant here. Advice/comments are always welcome, but those of you who have read any of my previous posts know that my feelings when it comes to relationships can be VERY confusing and can change in an instant.

A bit of background: As I mentioned before, I am married. We were high school sweethearts and have been together for almost 7 years, married for about a year and a half. We have been involved in the swinging lifestyle off and on for just over 4 years. About a year ago we met a couple. F and M that we have consistently swapped/played with and she and I had gotten quite close. Recently F and I both decided we needed to be more open about our feelings and a more romantic relationship has ensued.

This is all VERY new. As in we had the discussion to officially be 'more than friends' less than a month ago. Since then, though, I can't stop thinking about whether or not this is really the best situation for me. I really care for F, and I think I could love her someday (if I don't already... My husband tells me that she and I have lovey eyes when we're together lol), but I am inherently a needy person. If I am in a relationship, I want to talk to that person EVERYDAY. I want to have at least one day a week where we get to spend time just the two of us. I get that weekly time, but she is married, has a full time job, and is Mom to a 2 year old so there are somedays she just doesn't seem to have time to send me a text or two let alone have a conversation with me. She is also terrible about not keeping her phone around and charged. I guess my problem is that I need constant assurance that a person cares about me which I know is a pain in the butt and not really fair to those I'm with. I've tried to explain this to her, but she just doesn't seem to understand that deep down I am emotionally stunted since I have always seemed to be more grounded than that.

Second problem that I have is that she doesn't see this relationship really progressing any further. She never wants to tell her family (she's afraid they'd disown her), she never wants to combine households, she never wants really change anything about our situation. She is perfectly happy with us caring deeply for one another, but never really sharing our lives. That's NEVER been what I've wanted. If I love someone, I want to see them everyday, I want them to be involved in my decisions and I want to be involved with theirs (i.e. Where to live, what to do this weekend, etc). Granted, I know that we will/would never be perfectly integrated since we are not involved with each others' husbands other than friendship and sexually, but I still think we could all make it work as an integrated household. I don't think my family would react well, but she and her husband have started coming to large family functions at my parents' house and I HATE having to censor my behaviors because she isn't comfortable being 'out.' I just don't feel like we have the same long-term goals for a relationship.

I would hate to end this relationship that really just got started because of this, but at the same time I don't want to let it go to far and then realize in another year that I am still feeling like I'm stuck in an in-between place (somewhere between close friends and committed lovers). Before this whole thing started, I'd always thought that my ideal romantic situation would be a triad between myself, my husband, and another woman. I really hate the idea of 'primary' and 'secondary' relationships and would really prefer a situation where all parties are equal. Right now there are so many complications due to the fact that it is a new relationship even if the feelings have been there for quite a while, the 2 married couples involved are swingers, and none of us have really been involved in a serious poly relationship. I just don't know what to do... Go with it and see how it plays out or bite the bullet and explain to her that I don't think this could ever be what I really want in life?
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