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Old 12-16-2011, 04:19 PM
Dearie88 Dearie88 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Default Just a few questions and some guidance I suppose.

Ok, so this is my first time doing something like this. I have to be honest, I never knew of relationships like this. I thought there were cheaters and swingers, or monogamy; which I thought was normal and something everyone did. But anyways, my boyfriend opened my eyes up to this and yes at first I had my doubts, I thought something was wrong with me and that's why he wanted to have a sorta open relationship. But he explained to me and I did my own reading and searching of it and it makes more sense now. Except, he keeps bringing up that he has his doubts in me. And it's really starting to get at me.

He wants to be able to have sex with people alone which I told him, I didn't want that. That I was uncomfortable with it. At least for right now. Who knows about the future. So we came up with doing threesomes. Which again, I didn't think that I would like but they are fun. But because this is my first time, I was hoping to ease into it and doing them once in awhile until I was more comfortable with it. He recently told me, he would like to do them a couple times a month. I told him for now, I couldn't do that. I thought that he understood that this being the first time I've done something like this, that taking things slow wouldn't be a problem, but it seems like he keeps bringing it up and I don't know what to think or do.

We've been together 4.5 years and we had our first threesome a few months ago and it's made us closer then ever. So, I know his and my love is tight and the trust factor is completely there.

I guess what I need help with is, how often is it ok or how slow is to slow? I don't know how to even "find" another girl. We both have agreed to not do anything with strangers. And both our concerns are STD's. Which he will always wear a condom when we are doing threesomes. I don't know. I'm new this is and just in need of some good advice. His doubts are really getting to me.
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Old 12-16-2011, 04:52 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624

I guess I am confused.... Where is polyamory playing a part in any of this? It sounds like your boyfriend is really only interested in sex with other people, not forming relationships. That would be swinging (IMO). Did I miss part of the story or did you leave something out?

As for him having doubts in you.. Is it a trust issue or does he think you just aren't going to handle living an alternative lifestyle well? If it is a trust issue, you two really should spend more time talking about it and figuring out WHY he is having the problems. If it is because he is worried you really aren't into it, you also need to talk to him and explain to him exactly why you ARE interested.

How frequently you engage is sex with others is really between the two of you. There's no hard and fast rule stating 'this is too much' or 'this is not often enough.' It is just whatever makes everyone involved happy.

As for meeting new people, there are a multitude of dating websites that you can say you are interested in hooking up (OKCupid is known to be couples-friendly), there are swingers sites (the one I use is swinglifestyle), Craigslist (that one scares me), etc.

Onto STDs... There's really no guarantee. Unless you use a condom/latex glove for every single bit of contact, you aren't even close to being 100% protected. Being 100% protected is impossible since there are viruses such as HPV which can be contracted so very easily (over 50% of sexually active people have HPV at some point). It is basically a measured risk. Is the enjoyment and pleasure you two get out of having these threesomes worth the remote possibility of catching something? Obviously, I chose yes years ago, and through being as careful as possible without diminishing the pleasure too much, I've had no issues. Well, disease issues anyway. Drama issues are another story here recently!

Once again, I'm not really sure what his doubts are so I can't really offer any specific advice on that. I'd just talk to him and tell him that his worries are starting to make you nervous/worried so that maybe he will relax a bit.
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Old 12-16-2011, 05:05 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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What you are looking for is a unicorn then? There has been a lot written here about that. If you do a tag search for "unicorns" you will find a lot of info.

I will warn you though. Its not the best situation for the long haul. Sex in threesomes with an additional woman is fun but it doesn't a great "relationship" make most of the time. Sharing a partner works best if developed over time rather than seeking it out. Its thee most common form of what couples are looking for because they seem to be unable to think outside of "coupledom" box. You'll need to eventually think about finding your own partners if you want extracurricular coupledom success in poly.

What you have been up to so far would be considered swinging in my opinion. Perhaps a forum on swinging would help? Poly is about the love more than the sex. Although sex abounds just the same.

As to time? It can take years. I have known about my being non-monogamous for many years and active for 15. It started for me the same way you are starting. Now I have come through much exploration and found myself in a vee with two men I live with and an additional two other partners.

I don't at all subscribe to a relationship view that I am with one other person. I never did. Even if there have been times where it was me and my husband. I always saw myself as independent and autonomous. We walk together in life, but I also walk together in life with others. Its not "us" its "me." Its an adjustment to think and act that way but once that is achieved I would guess that your feelings of being "unready" will change.
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Last edited by redpepper; 12-16-2011 at 05:08 PM.
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