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  #31  
Old 12-16-2011, 03:35 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I also would challenge that assumption. Runic Wolf and I have been married for 11 years and involved in our quad for almost 3 years. There is deep friendship, lots of love, and yes SEX in our relationship. We are not intentionally poly fi. Pretty Lady and Wendigo respect that while they are our lovers, they cannot control our hearts or actions. They can only trust that we will bring things to their attention as needed. We know that we can expect fidelity from Pretty Lady, as she is only exploring non-monogamy because it is us. Their only request has been discretion; that we keep their identities as our lovers secret for valid reasons. Sometimes even Wendigo struggles with this; and occasionally we really suck at not showing just how much we care for each other.

At this point, we have had one failed attempt at allowing another couple into our quad. Pretty Lady and I decided to fulfill a long time friend's wish for a threesome with the blessing of the guys; afterwards he informed us that his fiance was interested in Wendigo;who had been crushing on her for a while. Long story short, he had totally misunderstood his fiance's intentions (she had only wanted a cuddle buddy); she discovered she was pregnant; and our friend kept telling us he that Wendigo just needed to be patient and she'd come around and then suddenly changed his tune after we discovered he'd went a head with our threesome while she was still contemplating it because she'd said she couldn't find anything wrong with it in theory. Pretty Lady, Wendigo, and I are still recovering from the misconceptions; misunderstandings; and lies.

Runic Wolf's only problem with the situation was that it seems to have had the opposite effect on Pretty Lady's availability to be with him than we'd hoped. Of all of us, he is the one who seems to need an outside relationship the most; still feels like he's missing part of his own personal life puzzle and none of us would presume to tell him that he can't find that. We only ask that he is respectful of everyone involved; especially Pretty Lady; who struggled for a long time to accept that Wendigo truly could hold both of us in his heart (for some reason his feelings for Runic Wolf have never bothered her) and not abandon her. I think she fears that if Runic Wolf finds another lover; she will have done all of this personal work to be with us for nothing.

So at the moment we are practicing poly-fi, but it has been born out of circumstance not desire.

Edited due to phone interrupting thought process.

Last edited by BrigidsDaughter; 12-16-2011 at 04:00 PM.
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  #32  
Old 12-16-2011, 04:15 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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russgm- You aren't unusual at all. The way you say that you are unusual comes off as a little "holier than thou." I find it rather presumptuous actually.

People come and go here. Most in your situation don't stay as they have their thing and are out there doing it. Its working and they don't need to talk about it or get support. This forum is built on supporting people, discussing theory and searching for what works for us. Some find poly fi, some are fine and enjoy being poly singles. Its a personal journey that you can read parts of if you decide to read here in depth.

Assuming that people want what you want is insulting. I don't know if you intended to be insulting but might I suggest that you ask what's up here rather than assuming you know.
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Last edited by redpepper; 12-16-2011 at 04:39 PM.
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  #33  
Old 12-16-2011, 08:09 PM
happytimeskatie happytimeskatie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
This forum is built on supporting people, discussing theory and searching for what works for us.
As a newcomer, I just want to say that I really like this comment. This forum has a supportive atmosphere and even if I wasn't looking for more I would likely still frequent it just to listen to all the differing opinions on what poly is and what it can mean.

I believe that monogamy =/= polyfidelity. Additionally, I don't think anyone should be insulted for practicing either, or practicing any form of poly that works for them! Polyamory is not about adhering to a particular lifestyle because that is how it is defined on wikipedia. It is just a word for something that people do to fulfill their relationship desires. Even if there wasn't a word for them, all the kinds of relationships that people engage in are equally valid for they people in them. As long as you are happy with your situation it doesn't matter if it has been defined by someone.

That's just my two cents. I'm relatively new to poly, but that's how I feel about it.
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  #34  
Old 12-17-2011, 12:08 AM
Jericka Jericka is offline
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I don't care for the idea that just because I am not polyfi that I will sleep with anything that moves.

I have a couple of very nice relationships, and if someone wants to spend time with me they need to be worth a relationship. I don't really go for one night stands...it isn't the body or the face that is the primary reason that I am attracted, it is the PERSON, and getting to know people takes time. Time can be in limited supply, as I have people that I already want to spend time with. I may not be polyfi, but, what I do is hardly what seems to be imagined by some folks. It also isn't cheating, because I am open and honest with my partners when I do meet someone who could turn out to be interesting.

Polyfi isn't monogamy, though. Monogamy is supported in our culture. Two soulmates supposedly spending the rest of their lives publicly together. They get cake! And celebrations! And an idea of a one size fits all agreement to be faithful and all that.

Poly folk whether polyfi or not have to build their agreements more from scratch. It's a custom arrangement hopefully built around the needs and desires of all involved, rather than the off the shelf marriage available to monogamous folk if they so choose. There are fewer assumptions, in poly, though hardly no assumptions at all. There's just less of a road map to follow.

Here's some things people do seem to assume:
I'm not bisexual. That isn't why I am poly. I just no longer want a limit on who I may or may not fall in love with. I've been there, done that, and ditched the t-shirt.

I don't and won't sleep with just anyone who wants to fuck. I'm not desperate for sex. Really. For me to be interested at all the person needs to be as interesting as my friends are. Otherwise, why spend the time?

I actually don't have an easier time finding outside partners than my guys do. I'm picky, yes, but, my guys do fine on the market when they feel like it. They don't always feel like it. Shockingly, they don't feel like sleeping with anything that moves either.
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